Lines in the Sand

Choose-your-own...Reality?

2012-02-23T20:58:00.000-08:00

The challenge of being an individual with integrity is not only living up to what we say we believe. That's hard enough but another deeply challenging aspect of this is that we're not always aware of what it means to live up to what we say we believe.

The more complex our understanding of life becomes, the more work is required to really explore the philosophical implications of what we've seen to be true, to whatever extent that might be. I can have a profound spiritual experience (like the one I experienced two weeks ago) and believe that it was an experience of truth and yet remain relatively unchanged if I'm unwilling to do the difficult work of using my intellectual capacity - to the best of my ability - to really look into the implications of what I experienced.

Even this recognition does not make this journey a neat and tidy one. Two people can have a very similar experience and come to very different conclusions regarding what it means about how they live their lives. Perhaps newborn infants have a clean slate but we definitely do not. We enter every experience with our preconditioned thoughts and ideas, with our own unique temperament and with our own psychological, emotional, intellectual and physical characteristics. All we can do is work with what we've got, though we can certainly make the effort to develop what we've got, too.

Nevertheless, we are all making inferences about our experiences already, even if they're not very logical and reasonable inferences. If I'm in a hurry to get to work and I hit a red light it may very well be easy to think, "Why does God want me to be late?!? What did I do wrong?" If I believe that God is in control of every detail surrounding all of existence then such an interpretation would make sense. And this is what people have predominantly believed at a certain stage of human development throughout history. It's 'reasonable' but only from a particular point of view, one which most of us no longer view as very reasonable at all.

As a result of this traffic transgression, I might search my heart and soul to find my unconfessed sin or, failing that, I might promise God my allegiance for his mercy in getting me to work on time. I can honestly say I have attempted such negotiations. Again, reasonable actions if I have a particular belief system and understanding but totally ridiculous outside of that.

How many people have tried to make deals with God to avoid some immense difficulty or tragedy, even though they may have previously scoffed at the very notion of a Divine Intervener? Perhaps they weren't really sure whether or not God exists but what would it really mean to live as though one didn't know whether God exists? What would be the philosophical implications of such uncertainty?

It would appear that many of us are willing (to some degree) to essentially drop some of our beliefs and pick up others when it's most convenient. This seems a bit selfish, narcissistic and relativistic, does it not? But it's not all bad because being 'certain' about things we can't really be certain about can be a dangerous game. So says post-modernism. And it's a reasonable caution. The 20th century is a testimony to this.

In my view, the problem isn't found in remaining uncertain - open to new ideas and revelation - the problem is that many of us can appreciate this ideal but we still pick and choose things we want to be certain about without really going through the philosophical gauntlet of critical thinking that allows us to use as much information as possible to arrive at the most informed conclusions we possibly can, even if they're not absolute. We want to be able to choose what to be certain about and what not to be certain about, to just take the best of both worlds.

We want to have our cake and eat it too.

Unfortunately, once you open this can of worms, you have to keep going all the way or you end up in some kind of nebulous philosophical limbo. Not a fun place. It takes a lot of courage to walk through the uncertainty that emerges when we come to see that absolute truth claims are not absolutely true simply because they are claimed to be so. "Is anything absolutely true?" we wonder. That's not a comfortable question.

So how do we come to know what is true or if such things are possible? I meant to write about this before and never got to it. I'm glad I ended up at this point, however that happened. I shall explore this important question more fully next time...

Better than Better

2012-02-17T20:06:00.000-08:00

I have all kinds of time on my hands. Some days I feel like I waste it frivolously while other days I feel as though I've made good use of it in a worthwhile way.

The challenge I face is the recognition that the path forward is not simply a path of doing more 'worthwhile' things and doing less 'not-as-worthwhile' things. I would suggest that if we have some reasonable understanding of life then doing things that seem more worthwhile to us is probably going to yield greater fruit in the end.

Having said that, there are sooooo many good and worthwhile things to be done! One could endlessly devote themselves to all manner of good things and it would be lovely. But would there be something missing? Doing things that we perceive as being positive builds self-esteem and self-confidence, both of which are great, not to mention the potential benefit to others, too, assuming they actually are positive beyond our own perception.

But in a world of so many opportunities and 'good things,' how do we choose what to do?
I find myself often in a state of apathy and confusion when I see that I have so many choices to do all manner of goodness and still remain essentially the person I am today, just better.

Don't get me wrong, this would not be a bad thing at all! Being better would be better but I don't want to simply be better. If all I will end up as is a better version of the same person, I'm not that interested. I don't want to be fundamentally the same person I am today no matter how much better.

I want better than better.

Is that too audacious? Perhaps it is and yet I honestly cannot imagine how I could settle for less, though, to be honest, isn't that what I'm doing, day in and day out? Am I not settling for less in the life that I am living? It's true, I am.

Why do I settle for less? Because despite the profound experiences I've had and the philosophical clarity I've experienced I'm not ready to let go of this self-identity that has been carved out for me, partly by my own hands, partly by culture, and partly by this evolutionary process that has brought us this far.

Who would I be if I let it all go? I know there's someone better than better on the other side of this and yet my willingness to overcome the sheer terror I feel at the thought of such a radical change is a bit...lacking.

But maybe the terror is never going to disappear. Will I remain a prisoner of my own mind and emotions? Can I find the courage to step outside of my cold, dark cell and never return? That seems like an obvious choice when life is so much better on the outside! I know, I've tasted it. And yet peaking your head out is not the same as running into the open air and never going back.

From a more objective perspective, it may seem as though I'm not really that interested in such things or I would be doing a lot more to really make it happen. There's some truth to that but I'm also honestly not really that interested in a whole lot and yet this is the one thing I keep coming back to again and again, no matter how many times I feel like giving up and throwing in the towel.

Of course, if I never actually succeed in the kind of transformation that I keep speaking of and pointing towards then I might look like quite the fool in the end.

Hmm, that's a humbling thought.

And so I continue to face into these things, even when I feel as though I'm not moving forward at all and that these words serve no real purpose.

Call it faith, I suppose.

Falling into the Mystery

2012-02-09T14:29:00.000-08:00

I had quite a profound experience a few days ago while driving across the snow-covered prairies of Canada.

As I was sitting in the relative comfort of a warm car on a chilly winter's day, I began to talk aloud. I wasn't talking to myself, per se, I was just talking. Now, I normally enjoy writing because it's a vehicle to focus our thoughts and create order out of the elegant chaos of our minds. Speaking can be just such a vehicle, too, and even more immediate. Often in writing, I find myself concerned with the bigger context of having a coherent grouping of thoughts and ideas that make relative sense. This is not a bad thing at all but as I was sitting alone on a nine-hour drive with no one to hear me but the wind, I was struck by the fact that I could say anything and it would never be evaluated or judged for coherence and consistency, for content or stylistic flourish. It would likely never even be remembered by me!

So I began to speak. I didn't have anything in particular I wanted to express or 'get off my chest,' rather I was simply enamoured with the idea that I could open myself as wide as possible and let the words flow without judging them, seemingly free from consequence and implication. The 'goal,' if there was one, was simply to open my heart and mouth wide enough to face and experience whatever emerged without being particularly concerned with any of the actual content.

What was so different about this time was not the words I was saying but the posture I was taking in relationship to them. As soon as I began to take this inner posture of openness - of choosing to avoid nothing that emerge - I began feeling lighter in my being. As I pressed on, a sense of joy began to arise within my awareness. At this point, the words were no longer the center of attention at all but I kept speaking, continuing to express the beauty I was witnessing.

This joy that was rising up within me was not connected to anything in particular, no thought or image or feeling was its source. It seemed to emerge from life itself, that there was nothing that could be separate from this joy, not even me. I felt as though every cell in my body was being pulled forward, towards embracing all of manifestation as an inseparable whole. Tears filled my eyes as I was overwhelmed by the sheer goodness of life, that existence, in and of itself, is wholly positive.

It became apparent that I was standing on the edge of something, leaning into the unknown, filled with both terror and ecstasy at the realization that to fully embrace what I was seeing would mean unconditionally letting go of everything else. It had to be all or nothing. But I also knew that there was nothing to fear in giving myself fully to this Mystery.

After some time, the experience began to diminish in my awareness, as it almost always does, and yet the profound revelation I received was not only regarding the experience itself but the recognition that it emerged within this internal posture I was taking and that the experience and posture were, in fact, fundamentally not separate - two aspects of the same reality. The experience was a gift of grace, which I had no control over, and yet taking this posture was a conscious decision that I made.

So what am I going to do with what I've seen? Bearing witness to it is a nice start but the real work of contemplation is what's in store for me. We have to give ourselves time and space to consider these experiences when we have them or they'll become a nice memory rather than an immanent reality. Spiritual experiences are wonderful and yet they seldom, by themselves, have the power to radically transform our lives. Why not? Because if we sincerely want to transform then we have to be willing to consider and embrace the implications of what has been revealed to us through these experiences.

It really is up to us.

I hope this particular story can be a signpost towards Spirit and an encouragement for us to engage more consciously with our own spiritual journeys. Sorting through our experiences and the implications that emerge can be quite a challenge and bringing these things out in dialogue with others can be a huge support so if you have any experiences you'd like to share, or questions about my own, feel free to let me know.

I am not yet Surrendered

2012-02-02T22:45:00.000-08:00

It's funny to think that for someone like myself, who practically lives in the world of thought, I would have such a difficult time contemplating who I am and where I am at - pretty basic things. But I find it tremendously challenging. It takes an enormous amount of courage and a truly heroic effort to look more deeply into what's really important to us and who we believe ourselves to be.

Why is it often so difficult? Perhaps because what we may find can threaten some deeply help beliefs that seem to be woven into the very fabric of our self-identity.

For a very long time, I've recognized the dissonance between the person I would like to be and the person I am, or putting it another way, between the choices I recognize as being virtuous and the choices I actually make. I think many people experience this tension at times, some more than others, yet beyond the mere feelings of shame or guilt or inadequacy that can arise, my experience has also been characterized by a refusal to accept this reality.

Rather than accepting that I'm at where I'm at, I focus on where I think I should be, as if that is enough to fundamentally change anything. I can see now that I've made a crucial mistake in assuming that being aware of my own greater potential means I will manifest this potential.

It may seem obvious that this would not necessarily be true and yet I've consistently refused to accept it, assuming it should be true and that there must be something wrong with me to make it 'untrue.' I forget or ignore my own free will. Even if I've caught a glimpse of what's on the other side of a river, I'm not going to get there until I've committed to it and I actually start swimming.

I must honestly face the reality that I won't live like someone who is absolutely and wholeheartedly committed to Spirit when I am not. And I am not. I must first accept this if I am to move forward, if I am to ever come to a place of making such a commitment. Pretending I have already done so is not only untrue it's also disempowering because it implies there must be something wrong with me, as an individual, if such a commitment radically transforms the lives of others but leaves my own fundamentally unchanged.

I've always made it a problem about me.

"I'm not good enough."

"I'm a failure."

"There's something wrong with me."

These are, of course, distortions of the truth. It would be like trying to swim across a river but turning back because it feels too cold and then assuming I'm incapable of making it even though I can see others in the water and those who've made it to the far side. If this is what I was to believe then what hope would there be to succeed? Not a whole lot.

Radical transformation is possible. However, we must first embrace where we are right now. This is both humbling and clarifying.

I have seen the glory of God and I am not surrendered to it.

This is where I am. This is the place to start.

Messiness and Insight

2012-01-26T19:22:00.000-08:00

I was writing an email to a friend and had said something to the effect of, "If you want to know where I'm at with life you can check out my blog." Then I quickly realized that even though this blog is implicitly an expression of where I'm at in my journey, I'm often not very explicit about the nitty gritty parts of my life. In short, this blog isn't nearly as messy as my actual life.

And that's okay.

I don't have anything against writing about my own fears and struggles and dreams and victories, but I don't necessarily see that as being the most beneficial...ah, I just don't like being publicly vulnerable. I mean, I don't 'like' being vulnerable at any time. 'I' don't want to face the implications that arise. But this leads me to another point...

What I'm uncovering on this journey is how we, as human beings, are made up of innumerable conflicting impulses and desires, some we would consider noble while others we demonize, though there is little consensus on how to determine which is which.

Actually, this I learned a while ago but what is challenging me to the core is seeing that so much of my efforts to change, and even many of my more 'noble' actions, are still motivated by the same part of myself that is also, at times, interested in selfish choices and self-destructive behaviour. Yes, there are multiple parts to the human condition but the lines are not only where I thought they were.

Almost all of my experience as a human being has been rooted in one particular kind of experience of who I am - the ego, the psychological sense of self. Good decisions, bad decisions, virtuous dreams, horrifying impulses, 99.999% of them have been experienced within this particular identity. Why do I talk about it like this? Because it's only ONE aspect of who I am and it's not even the most significant one.

The only reason I can see this is that I've experienced a deeper dimension of who I am and from that position it becomes immediately and perfectly clear that this 'normal' way that I've been relating to life is only one small part of an infinitely bigger picture.

The shocking part is the deconstruction of the idea that my 'good' thoughts, feelings, and decisions come from a 'Good' part of myself and that my 'bad' thoughts, feelings, and decisions come from a 'Bad' part of myself. This is not entirely wrong but it's only partially true.

An example would to look at a person at ten-years old, twenty-years old, thirty-years old, etc. They may have very different understandings of who they are at these different ages because of the difference in life experience, psychological development, cultural conditioning, and other potential influences and yet their sense of identity can be in the exact same place, namely, the psychological self. This goes for all of us.

But there is a deeper dimension of who we are that, when discovered, makes everything else seem as real as a dream.

Where does the messiness fit in? In discovering these things but remaining unwilling to live into the reality they've revealed to me. I'm still fundamentally identified with my psychological self, with my thoughts and feelings, and one could say this is the greatest addiction of all to give up.

Because of my failure to live from this deeper sense of self, I can also see how my words and actions can ring so hollow in a world desperate for people who are willing to live beyond their ego and model a new way of being that is profoundly transformational and yet relatively uncommon and unseen by most.

In an ideal world, after having discovered such profound intel, I would then commit my life to being a greater and greater manifestation of the inherent beauty and perfection of this deeper sense of self, even amidst all of my human imperfections and limitations. I know more clearly than I ever have before how much potential my life really has and it's excruciating to actually face the fact that most of the time I'm squandering it.

On top of all that, I also see that the guilt and desire to change that I experience internally is still largely rooted in the part of me that doesn't actually want to change or be responsible. No wonder my progress seems so inconsistent and slow, in many ways.

I totally acknowledge that this may be incomprehensible to some. Consider this a moment of me embracing the messiness of this process.

...who am I?

2012-01-19T18:52:00.000-08:00

I've been accused of thinking too much. I agree.

Others of us could be accused of not thinking enough. This can also be a problem.

Nevertheless, I don't think the problem is 'thinking too much' or 'not thinking enough.' If you really stop to consider your own experience, you're almost always thinking - even if you aren't aware of it - and you're almost always doing - even if that means sitting down and staring at the wall.

I think what we might be referring to when evaluating what constitutes a withdrawn and indecisive 'thinker' from an impulsive and unaware 'doer' is a bit more subtle. When we accuse people of thinking too much what I believe we're trying to communicate is, "You can't always have everything figured out before you act and choosing to not act is still a choice that has consequences."

Our critique against those who don't think enough might be, "You need to realize that even though you can't have everything figured out before you act, some choices are better than others and taking some time to consider this is worthwhile because all choices have consequences."

Fair enough?

I don't think the deficiency in these two scenarios points to simply a lack of balance between thinking and doing. I'm sure there are helpful ways of evaluating how to invest one's time in energy between these areas of experience and achieve greater success in life through evaluating the potential impact of choices and then using that factor to determine the appropriate...blah, blah, blah. I genuinely do believe that can be helpful but I think it still misses something fundamental.

Our thoughts, in and of themselves, don't seem to have much impact in the world of time and form. I don't discredit the potential power of 'positive thinking' but in comparison to our actions, where we take our body and actually do things, it seems their footprint is relatively small.

But then the question arises, where do our choices come from? Why do we make some choices and not others? Why do I choose to offer help to the old lady I see in the parking lot and choose to speak harshly with a loved one?

For most of us, our thoughts and feelings determine our actions. It seems we may give more credence to one over the other, depending on the circumstances, but they are almost always both present in our internal experience...aside from the extremes of robots and babies. Our inner world is often a swirling mass of interpenetrating thoughts and feelings and this is occurring in me as I write this just as surely as it is occurring in you as you read this, whatever the particular cocktail might be.

These are interesting things to consider but what I'm interested in goes a step further. What lies beyond the limited world of thought and feeling that make up our sense of self? Beyond your thoughts and feelings, who are you?

And what does any of this have to do with becoming whole and healthy human beings? In some ways, it would seem I've just thrown out everything I was previously writing. We invest so much of our energy and sense of self in our thoughts and feelings but are we willing to find out who is left when we momentarily set them aside?

What I'm suggesting is that who we believe ourselves to be is fundamentally affects our entire existence and relationship with everything. Do we really know who we are?

What we believe about life and the universe and God and truth and beauty and goodness are all underpinned and resting on this simple question: "who am I?"

The Shift

2012-01-12T21:58:00.000-08:00

"It's never enough until it's too much." ~ Andrew Cohen

The profound transformation that all genuine spiritual paths lead us toward is always immanent and immediate. It's not something that happens in the future, it only happens right now. It's not about becoming a different person in the future or making slow and steady changes over time. That's a valid and valuable piece of the pie but it's not what I'm speaking about.

What I'm speaking about is a fundamental shift of identity, of who we are choosing to be, from identifying with our relative, personal self to identifying with a dimension of our self that is infinitely deeper and always already free.

It's a shift that we're never going to feel ready for, right now. It's always going to seem like it's 'too much' looking at if from the outside, too radical, too extreme, too challenging, too unreasonable, too irresponsible, too frightening, too demanding, too impossible. I feel these things as I write these words.

That you and I can literally become different people, right now, in spite of - and in the midst of - all of our human frailties just seems too much for us to bear. It couldn't possibly be that simple! But what if it is? When you begin to face into the possibility of such things you will likely discover, as I have, that you don't really want to change as much as you thought.

There is a part of all of us that has no interest in the radical transformation that many of the great spiritual masters have pointed to and demonstrated but there is also a deeper part of ourselves that is indeed only interested in such transformation. The subtle part is that we are not standing somewhere in the middle choosing sides. We have already chosen a side and we're looking at all of this from that part of ourselves, the part that believes this is all 'too much.'

When we bring forth the courage we need to face such things we discover that the implications are profound, perhaps more so than we may have ever imagined. Even the very idea that we can choose to identify and live from a deeper part of who we are that is already free seems utterly unbearable for the ego. No amount or type of spiritual practice or self-help techniques - by themselves - are going to transform us in this fundamental way without our willingness and intention to face into these challenging questions, possibilities, and implications.

Nothing is so simple yet so demanding. How easy or difficult this will seem to any of us is something we will find out for ourselves. What I do know is that it means letting go of everything. That's pretty serious and until we're willing to be this serious we're not going to get very far. That's up to each one of us.

What about grace? Surely this can't all be on our shoulders?

To me, grace is found in the fact that we can freely make this shift and are given all the help in the universe when we intend to do so. What more could any of us ask for?

After all is said and done, this all points back to me: my words are my life. If I'm not embodying what I'm speaking about then these are all just interesting ideas, are they not? I'm seeing more and more clearly that beyond any particular words and actions, the greatest way for me to help others make this shift is to first choose it for myself.

Questions

2012-01-04T20:54:00.000-08:00

What is the value of questioning? What importance or significance does it have to life, if any?

Socrates may have said that the unexamined life was not worth living but was he right? Is it necessary to have an answer to some of the deep philosophical questions of life that we encounter?

How deep are we willing to dig?

Our ideas and beliefs are grown from a series of assumptions that flower into the way we see and relate to ourselves and the world around us. Many, if not most, of these assumptions are unconscious, only really being called into question when they cease to adequately make sense of reality for us. That seems reasonable enough: uphold your assumptions until you encounter evidence that they are inaccurate or untrue.

This is a very reasonable position to hold.

This would be all well and good except that this is often not the position that we hold. We simply do not always believe what makes the most sense and even when we encounter reasonable evidence that points to different conclusions than our own, we can (and do) choose to ignore, deny or marginalize this evidence for the sake of upholding our fixed ideas.

Why would would we do such silly things?

For most of us, many of our ideas about reality are not simply abstract objects but rather pieces of our own identity. What we believe seems inseparably connected to who we are. To put it simply, we believe we are our beliefs. This being said, it makes sense that to let go of some of our fundamental assumptions about reality threatens our very sense of self. After all, who would we be without them?

Sometimes it's not much of an issue. You used to like chocolate ice cream, now you don't. No big deal.

But the deeper our beliefs go, the more weight is resting on them, and the more resistance we encounter to deeply questioning their validity in the face of conflicting evidence. We may be willing to face such things momentarily but we tend to run away and hide when it seems too much for us to bear.

I tend to run away when it seems too much for me to bear.

So what gives us the courage to actually choose to bear this kind of profound philosophical inquiry that can threaten so many of our cherished assumptions about reality, and thus, our very self identity?

What I'm discovering is that our willingness to face the discomfort of these challenges is rooted in how important this inquiry is to any one of us. It it's not important to us then we will not bear it and our lives will continue to be an expression of unquestioned assumptions that may or may not be true.

This doesn't mean that if we don't take this seriously then our lives are a waste. Nevertheless, I am suggesting that this kind of exploration and questioning has incredibly more potential to transform ourselves and the world than we can imagine. But we likely will never see the potential until we begin to take this seriously and that's up to each one of us to decide.

Why is it so important to me? I honestly don't know. There are times when I wish it wasn't, that I could simply shut my eyes and ignore it all. It feels as though it's too much for me to bear, that I cannot possibly handle the implications of what is being revealed in my awareness through all of this.

And then I am reminded that I have to question that assumption, too.

'Tis the Season

2011-12-29T20:33:00.000-08:00

I've changed a lot over these past years in ways that I was not able to fully imagine. Has it been good? Well, that depends on where you're standing. My conviction has been growing that no matter what amazing insights I might gain into the nature of reality and the meaning of life itself and how we are to live, it's all fairly insubstantial if I'm unwilling to really live these things out in the choices that I make in the relationships that I share with others and the world.

Am I really doing this? In some ways, yes, and in many ways, no. I think I'm more on the “no” side of things at this point and I can see how hypocritical that is, especially to those who see these inconsistencies more clearly.

Human beings are complicated, are we not? Most of us do and say things we regret, things we wouldn't do or say in our best moments. We're not perfect. But even if perfection is out of the picture, we can become so much more than we are. Christmas, to me, isn't about a baby born in a manger 2000 years ago but rather it's significance is found in what it is pointing towards: an incredible possibility.

It's a celebration of the birth of Jesus and yet it's also a time to consider and celebrate what his message was: that deep and profound transformation is genuinely possible, that being 'only human' can, in fact, express a radically different relationship to life than what we may believe is possible, one that is more positive, fulfilling and meaningful than we might be able to imagine.

Whatever path you're walking down, my desire for you is that you do not give up on this possibility. What keeps us from taking some significant steps forward is often our own cynicism about what's really possible, what we're capable of doing, and how much change we can deal with. This is something we will all continue to face, over and over again, until we either give up on the possibility for real and lasting change or we give up our cynicism and self-limiting assumptions. My hope for myself and for you is the latter:)

Whatever path you are on, my hope for this new year is that we will all take steps forward, in whatever ways we can, no matter how big or small.

Meditation

2011-12-15T12:11:00.000-08:00

36 hours devoted to meditation.

What do I have to show for it?

Nothing.

No-thing.

There is no 'thing' to show for all of my efforts.

And yet the world does not look the same way it once did.

I've practiced meditation for the past year and a half, fairly consistently, and yet I'm still a rookie, by far. But the great thing is that the posture of meditation is so simple; choosing to have no relationship to your experience, regardless of what that experience might be. That's why, when we really do it, it's so powerful. When else do we have the freedom to have no relationship to anything? The experience itself may or may not 'feel' powerful or peaceful or anything else. The power is in assuming a position that is absolute - not having a relationship with anything.

"What on earth is he talking about?"

At the end of the 36 hours I didn't feel particularly enlightened. I felt a little tired, confused, and perhaps even a bit melancholy. I expected it to be a significant experience, that I would emerge from the endeavour a profoundly changed person. I do not feel like a profoundly changed person. And yet something shifted, to which I can only point with metaphors. As if you would expect anything different!

It's as though I've lived my entire life in a small box, feeling the walls to get a sense of where I am and now, suddenly, when I reach out my arms the walls are no longer where I thought they were...

I feel compelled to question how real are the boundaries that keep me in place? How solid is the place from which I am standing and judging the world and my experience? We all assume that what we're standing on is solid, that our understanding of reality is what's really real. It's not necessarily a bad assumption, it's simply a fundamental and reasonable (even if unconscious) assumption that's required to function in this world. Those who do not have a developed sense of this are labeled as mentally disturbed and relegated to institutions if they cannot be helped.

What I'm speaking about, however, is what happens when we already have a firm conviction in the 'realness' of reality but begin to see that our perception and understanding of reality are shockingly limited and subjective. What do we do then? What 'version' of reality are we going to stand upon if not our own? We must stand somewhere, mustn't we?

Yes, we must. In the world of time and form we are always standing somewhere, in relation to everything else, whether we realize it or not. But there is a deeper dimension to reality and who we are that is outside of the realm of time and form. This is what meditation can reveal to us.

Meditation is standing in the absolute. The profundity of the practice is that you are discovering and rediscovering a part of yourself that exists free from all subjective perspectives and opinions about the nature of reality. You are not trying to 'figure out' where to stand or where you are. You are simply surrendering to the absolute nature of reality, which cannot be quantified or measured in anyway.

Once I finished my marathon, part of me immediately wanted to try to figure out whether my experience was 'good' or 'bad,' to judge it in some way. But this dimension of reality cannot be judged because it is absolute and infinite. How could one measure God?

This is what happens when you really meditate, you approach God or Spirit or the Self-Absolute with no barriers or boundaries.

What would it mean to approach God without any idea getting in the way about who or what God is? What would you find?

I could tell you but you might not believe me anyway. If you really want to know, you have to find out for yourself. And it might not even require 36 hours! That's the good news. What it does require is the intention to find out and the willingness to make the noble effort to really let go of our concern and interest in everything. If we don't really want to let go then we're never going to find out what happens when we do. That's pretty simple, isn't it?

If serious contemplation of what it would mean to let go of everything doesn't elicit sheer terror and panic you're either significantly developed or you're not taking this seriously. Of course, it's up to all of us - including myself - to decide how seriously we want to take any of this. If you really sit with what it would mean to let go of absolutely everything, you will most likely encounter the part of yourself that wants nothing to do with such foolishness. But if you can resist the desire to flee you will discover something else, as well.

It's an experiment that virtually all of us can attempt, though doing so without guidance can be quite challenging, I've found.

But why would any of us be willing to contemplate what it would mean to let everything go?

Because we want to be free.

Through the Looking Glass

2011-12-07T20:48:00.000-08:00

"Knock and the door shall be opened unto you." - Mt. 7:7

So what's on the other side of the door? If the teachings of Jesus really are about transformation, and not simply self-improvement, who is the 'self' that is on the other side of the door once we step through?

I understand that we all have at least some desire to be the best we can be, whether we actually do anything about it or not. Maybe we don't see much potential for our lives but I would guess that most of us share a desire to live up to whatever potential we do see, whatever that might mean. And there's nothing inherently wrong with this. It's not 'wrong', it's just limited. It's coming from a perspective that says human development and growth is a linear affair.

In many ways, it is.

But not every way.

Being "born again" is not about simply becoming an upgraded version of who you already are. So if you walk through this metaphorical door, who are you? What is the nature of spiritual transformation? Are we the same person only nicer? Do all of our secret, nasty fears and desires vanish without a trace forever? Will we still know how to tie our shoes?

I think Jesus was all about transformation. "New wine for new wineskins," and all that business. But how many people really believe this is possible? We might believe that we'll be transformed in heaven but what about now? I think many of us, if we believe in any kind of deep and profound spiritual transformation, relegate such things strictly to divine intervention that we have no part in and which likely won't happen this side of the grave.

But then I wonder, what if such transformation is possible, here and now? Would we believe it even if it slapped us in the face? We, understandably, have a hard time knowing who we would be after this kind of radical shift in identity. We think, "If I'm not me, who would I be?"

Well, if you weren't 'you,' who would you be? Imagine it, if you would. WHO ARE YOU??? When you stop focusing on your ideas about who you are, when all of that falls away from your attention, what is left?

Who are when we let go of all of our ideas about who we are?

To answer that, you have to really do it.

In a few days, I'm going to be devoting 24 hours to meditation, to experientially exploring these questions by giving a significant chunk of my time and energy to living them out. If you'd like to support me in some way or want to find out more, you can visit here. I'll let you know what I find but I have a funny feeling that you might not believe me when I tell you...

Human Capacities: Integrity pt. 3

2011-11-30T20:17:00.000-08:00

Knowing what to do is only half the battle. We still have to do it. And perhaps especially for most of us on the spiritual path, the issue is not that we don't know enough to act appropriately and make the best choices we are able to but that we aren't taking responsibility for what we already know and making those choices consistently.

And if those of us on the spiritual path are not taking responsibility for ourselves and what we know and choosing to live out our beliefs with consistency and integrity, what do we have to offer the world? What is our great message? What is our 'Good News' if it's not being lived out? Of course, higher values matter and are inherently better than 'lower' values but if they're not being manifest in the world in significant ways then what good are they?

The question of determining which values are higher and lower is an excellent and important one but for those of us who claim to be privy to what we believe to be higher values, the onus is on us to prove it through the way that we live. The real issue for many of us is not that our values are deficient (though they may be) but that we're not consistently living them out through the choices we make.

So why do we act according to our highest values at some times and not others?

I cannot emphasize enough the significance of this question for those of us aware of and interested in higher development and/or spiritual formation, and how ultimately foundational our answer is to the way we relate to life itself. Why don't we always do what we believe to be best???

It's easy to make glib comments about how we're 'only human' or similar notions but as I've pointed out, other animals don't seem to have this integrity issue, that honey bees - as far as I know - never stop making honey because they've had a rough day and the queen is riding their bee-hinds (ah, come one, I couldn't resist that one). And maybe being the most advanced life on earth makes us inherently incapable of the kind of perfect integrity reflected by other creatures but I don't think that's a given. We need some reasons to back it up, if that is our understanding.

In seeking out an explanation, perhaps the best place to start is with another question: is it even possible to live out our highest ideals at all times, in all places, under all circumstances or are we completely incapable of such things? How we answer this question will likely take us in potentially divergent directions. If we ARE capable of living with this kind of flawless integrity, then the next question becomes, why don't we? However, if we're NOT capable of such absolute integrity, we might then ask if we can become capable or, if the answer is no, we might try to discern how to simply live with as much integrity as possible and attempt to increase that over time.

It's a question of human nature, about who we really are as a species and what we're capable of. This greatly colours the lens through which we see ourselves, others and humanity as a whole.

I will leave it here for now, open-ended yet very interested in you sharing with me your answer to this question of whether or not you believe any of us are capable of a life of perfect integrity. You can also explain your rationale, if you wish, or any other thoughts you deem pertinent and I'll try to incorporate them into my next post.

I invite you to explore this with me, like I'm Willy Wonka and this blog is my chocolate factory...just don't have any of those fizzy lifting drinks...

"Is that the best you got?" Well, no. Not it's not.

2011-11-23T21:04:00.000-08:00

I don't always do what I believe I should do.

Sometimes I don't know what to do and I try hard to do what I think is best.

Sometimes I make mistakes, honest mistakes, because I honestly don't know any better, I genuinely don't know what to do. And so I make a choice and sometimes it proves not to be the best choice possible, even if it was the best choice I was aware of. This can be frustrating but it's not that much of an issue because I'm motivated to learn from my mistake and become a more aware human being, even if I still make mistakes.

I will always make mistakes. We will always make mistakes. There will always be more for us to learn and know and that means we will always be making choices from a place of limited understanding, never perfectly knowing the consequences of our actions or what is best.

This is all well and good in my books. Totally perfect. It's a part of the creative process that has led the world to where we are now. There's nothing wrong with this but it only takes us so far.

Sometimes I have a strong conviction of what I should do but then I don't do it.

What good would it be to know the best decision to make in every situation if I'm not prepared to act on it? Knowledge of higher values means very little if it's not accompanied by corresponding action.

I often do not choose to live up to what I claim to know. I lack integrity and I realize this. This is nothing new, either.

But what if we could choose to live up to every ideal we wish to uphold? What if we could live a life of flawless integrity? Could such things be possible?

We all have choices to make and we often believe that we're doing the best we can.

For many of us, this is simply untrue. We're not living up to what we claim to believe. We're not doing the best we can and if we look deeply and honestly enough at ourselves we'll see this. This is good news, however, because if we're not doing the best we can it means there is further we can go.

The 'Value' of Truth...kind of a pun? Ah, just read it.

2011-11-16T21:00:00.000-08:00

Here's the crux of the issue: if every person in the world had complete integrity, from the definition I've previously offered, the world would not be a perfect place. At the same time, if everyone in the world was aware of the highest possible values, the world would not be a perfect place, either.

Now I don't believe that perfection is a static 'place' but if we put both of those qualities together, that would be heaven, wouldn't it? If everyone was aware of the highest values they could possibly embody and also lived those values with perfect integrity, what could be better?

Of course, we don't all agree on what the highest values are - or even how to determine what they might be - and we certainly do not all have a clear understanding of the 'value' of living out our highest recognized ideals. On top of all of that, there's a lot of confusion and ambivalence around how much integrity we can possibly express through the choices we make. These are all separate issues - all important - and I don't wish to confuse them.

Where should I begin? Well, perhaps at the beginning. How do we come to determine what values are higher than others? This is such a great question and one that requires a bit of critical thinking and a recognition that how we answer these questions is deeply shaped by the worldview we already have, by the culture we're already in and by the personal experiences we've already experienced. So I'm just expressing how I understand these things from my own perspective, which will continue to be revealed through my writings.

I would first suggest that there's no way to 'step outside' reality and discover an objective basis for values. They're all influenced by our human understanding and subjectivity. Perhaps you're saying to yourself, "so we can't possibly know what's most important or most valuable or most true. Boom. I just 'postmodern roasted' you." There is some truth to this statement but it's only partially true. One rebuttal could be a claim that the highest values come from our Creator, whose image we were created in, and that a particular sacred text contains the answers we seek, an objective standard that outlines what the highest values actually are to live by. But such a claim is not unique to any one particular religious tradition.

What does quickly become apparent is that our values are deeply connected to what we believe to be true. I already made some assumptions you might not agree with so perhaps it would be best to back up and explore the question of truth.

What is truth? Ooh, that's a big question! Let's say truth is found where our understanding reflects reality. What is reality? Just kidding, I'll stop there. Let's just go with that for now and I can come back to it later, if necessary, but I think that's a reasonable base camp to hike from. So how do we determine what is true?

The rabbit hole goes very deep...

This may sound obvious but most of us believe that our beliefs are true. Even the agnostic who says they don't know whether God is real or not still believes in their own belief of unknowing, that it's 'true' that they don't know. Fair enough.

But can we be absolutely sure that any of our thoughts, ideas, feelings, sensations and perceptions reflect reality? Perhaps not. That's a huge area of abstract (and worthwhile) philosophical reasoning but unless we're willing to embrace nihilism or deeply study philosophy, I think most of us will gladly accept that even if it's unreasonable to claim that any of our internal understanding is 100% true, we can still choose to believe certain things that seem more likely to be true than others. What other option do we have? This?

As an aside, the beauty of mystical experience is in coming to discover that when we let go deeply enough of all of our thoughts, ideas, feelings, sensations and perceptions we discover that 'we' are still there, that there is a source of Absolute Truth that exists outside of all our intellectual ponderings. I personally think this is the most stable place to really explore from because it usurps that whole nihilism thing right from the get-go. But it's not essential as a first step in understanding how we come to know truth so I shall leave it alone for now.

Putting aside both mysticism and nihilism, for the moment, and being willing to embrace a perspective that says we can discover some truth about the nature of reality, we can now begin to take some tentative steps forward. I'm excited, aren't you?

Reasons, excuses and everything in between: Why did I do that?

2011-11-09T21:29:00.000-08:00

I was planning on posting the next part of my 'Integrity' series but, ironically, I didn't have enough 'integrity' to pull it off. That's okay, it makes for more interesting blogging and for a chance to express the more personal side of things. Now, I could make time to finish it but I wouldn't do it justice so I'm writing this instead.

When I say that I didn't have enough integrity, I mean that I had planned to do something I believed to be important and failed to do so for no particularly good reason. I had enough time. I had enough opportunity. I had most of it already written. So what was the missing ingredient? What was I lacking? In one sense, I was lacking self-discipline but what does that even mean? It means I didn't make the choice to go against my feelings and/or thoughts and do what I had decided to do.

Perhaps integrity tends to be viewed as something more related to values while self-discipline could be referring to the more subjective aspect of simply doing what we have decided to do. I see this particular example related to integrity since my purpose in sharing in this space is directly connected to what I see as being higher values. So it's not simply that I failed to do something I intended to do but that I failed to honour one of my values.

We all do this. I know I'm not special in this sense and the implications are profound when we start to dig deep enough. We all have values and we all make choices. That's easy to understand. We all have values and we all make choices that do not always align with these values. That's not as easy to understand.

You believe that losing your temper and yelling at someone is hurtful and wrong and yet...

You believe that criticizing others in your head or out loud is wrong and yet...

You believe that taking time out of your day to exercise, meditate, pray, etc., is worthwhile and yet...

You believe that being generous and patient in all things is an expression of love and yet...

You believe that [fill in whatever you'd like that I haven't covered but which applies to your life] and yet...

Take some time to deliberately stop and think about why you do the things you do, and specifically, why you make choices that don't reflect your values. In this process, just let go of all your preconceived ideas that you already have about why you do or don't do certain things and put your interest and attention on what you don't already know. That's a challenge in it's own right, I know! But, if you're willing, make the effort. Really do it.

If you're serious about it and you'd like more guidance or instruction, just ask and I'll try to help or point you to better resources. I like pretending that some of the people who read this, whoever you are, are interested in walking through these things with me, to some degree.

One thing I'm seeing more and more clearly is that no one else can do the work for us. Reading about my thoughts isn't going to change you anymore than my reading the thoughts of others is going to change me. It can help us become more clear on what steps to we need to take but we still have to take the steps.

Believe me, this is still something I am learning and wrestling with everyday.

Consider that a formal invitation to join me. How can you join me? Reading this is a good start. Beyond that, leave some of your thoughts or questions on what I'm sharing in this space. If you're really adventurous, take the time to contemplate what I'm presenting and/or practice what I suggest and report back. I really do believe that we can all help each other move forward if we're willing to work together.

On final consideration, the irony in all of this is that while I had wanted to share more about my understanding of integrity, my intention was simply to write something in this space, preferably of some sort of value. So it would seem that in this instance I was able to follow through on my intention and express some integrity in doing so...well, I'd like to hope that good examples can sometimes be better than lousy ones.

Contemplation: Stepping Into the Unknown

2011-11-02T21:31:00.000-07:00

What is the nature of life and reality?

Why do we believe what we do about such things?

One need not be a philosopher to see the value in exploring these questions, though it may take a bit more work if that's not your leanings. Whether or not we've thought about such things in an intentional, rational and systematic way, we all have answers to them, one way or another. While we may not see the immediate value in exploring such questions I have a suspicion that most of us who have a reasonable education and are of average intelligence are capable of doing so, though it may take some effort. It certainly does for me!

Some of us naturally gravitate towards this kind of contemplation and some of us do not and there's nothing wrong with either predisposition. It does not, however, mean that just because we do not naturally gravitate towards these existential questions that their significance diminishes in any way, just as my natural gravitation towards contemplation does not mean that my actions in the world somehow become less significant because of that fact.

The great thing about contemplation and philosophical inquiry is that all it seems to require is a fairly functional and normally developed human brain and a willingness to spend the time to learn and practice how to think in a more clear and focused manner about very specific things. This is not out of the reach of most anyone reading these words.

So why do we avoid contemplation on these, what I would suggest to be, seemingly essential matters of life, which have the potential to shape our destiny? Perhaps for the same reasons we avoid going to the gym: it sounds like a wonderful thing to do but it doesn't seem THAT important in the face of everything else in our lives.

Many of us simply do not wish to make that much effort in what we do not, personally, see as being valuable. This is completely understandable and I don't think there's any way around this. If we don't see the value of spending the time and energy in doing something then we're not going to do it. Many of us don't really see that much value in the kind of contemplative inquiry to which I'm pointing, just as many of us don't see that much value in going to a gym.

But why should you believe that exploring the kinds of questions I'm suggesting is a valuable use of your precious and limited time and energy?

Good question, and one that I feel passionate about attempting to answer as best I can.

(Yes, lets just pretend that you were going to ask that question anyway...)

I believe that part of the role I'm developing in this process called 'life' is to help others begin to see the value in thinking more deeply and more clearly about essential questions that have the potential to reorient our existence in, what I believe to be, entirely positive ways.

I don't have all the answers and I don't even have all the questions. I don't need to and neither do you. What we do need is the willingness to take a step forward into the unknown. I believe there are some very compelling reasons to do so but we each have to decide for ourselves whether we'll take that step or not. That is essential. If we're not willing to step into the unknown then we won't get very far.

Besides, what's the worst thing that could happen? Probably not as bad as this. That should offer some comfort, I think.

Transformation: A Posture Towards Life

2011-10-26T17:46:00.000-07:00

Many things I read and discover are profoundly compelling to me and yet, in many ways, I remain unchanged, or at least insignificantly changed.

So how does transformation really happen? What I've discovered is positive transformation doesn't happen if we don't want it to. Step one: genuinely desire to be transformed. This creates a willingness to make whatever authentic effort is needed, and to do so consistently seems quite important. The rest of the process is relatively easy after this is taken care of...

Over and over again, I see myself making this effort inconsistently in fits and starts. This doesn't discount the effort I make but it goes without saying that if you're trying to drive somewhere you're not going to get very far if you're slamming on the breaks every two seconds. Will there be movement? Sure. But while a little movement forward is better than none, I don't think it makes sense to say that a little movement forward is just as good as a lot of movement forward.

If two cars were were drag racing and at the green light one of the drivers put both feet on the gas while the other lightly released the brakes and allowed the idle to inch the car forward, the first car would obviously go much farther, no matter when you decided to stop the race.

The implication is that going farther means...going farther, and -from one perspective - going farther is better than not going as far.

If I put you in the driver's seat of one of these on an open road and then said you had 30 seconds to go as far as you possibly could, what would you do? Well, maybe you'd be scared out of your mind and start sobbing like a child after about 10 seconds but I'm guessing it would seem obvious to many of us that the way to go the farthest would be to put both feet on the gas. Yee haw!!! I'm feeling a bit of a rush just imagining such an endeavor.

That's fine for racing but what difference does it make how far we go in the journey of transformation? Depends on who you ask. For some, how far we go - how transformed we become - makes no difference at all. After all, how can we possibly judge such subjective things like transformation? There is truth to this, in part. We can't possibly know how far we can go until we try. But we can all learn how to discern how much effort we're making, whether or not we're really giving our whole heart and putting both feet on the gas.

What I'm asking is, how interested is any one of us in actual transformation? Are we giving all that we can?

What I'm speaking about isn't a list of things to do, it is a position in relationship to life where we are giving everything we have to becoming all that we possibly can be. A position can be assumed at all times, in all places. Indeed, for a position such as this that is the goal! But in order to become grounded in this position or posture takes much effort.

Is it worth it? Seems to be. Am I prepared to live it? That is something I'm more unsure about.

The 'Gap': Integrity pt.2

2011-10-19T23:00:00.000-07:00

For most of us, there's a significant gap that exists between what we claim to value and how we actually live our lives. If we're interested in genuine growth and transformation, integrity is vitally important to cultivate because it means we are willing to make the effort to shift our life choices to line up more closely with our highest ideals, whatever those might be. Without making the effort to close this gap between our values and actions, our development will be stunted, as our actions will likely end up being a reflection of the values of the culture around us more than anything else, which is not helpful if we're try to move those values towards something higher and greater.

Of course, integrity itself is not enough - if we're interested in the process of development - as a baby may have complete integrity but incredibly limited and self-centered values. Along with integrity, we also need to create space for higher values and ideals to emerge within and between us. From this perspective, the cultivation of integrity is a significant part of the process by which these ideals are birthed into existence. Integrity isn't an end in and of itself because it doesn't, by itself, lead anywhere. Integrity alone doesn't offer direction, it's merely the vehicle for higher values to be expressed in the world through our conscious choices. Someone still needs to steer the car.

As an example, a cat will always, in one sense, have more integrity than me but it will never be able to live out the values that I'm capable of living out. Why? It can't recognize them, with or without integrity. So even if I have, from this perspective, less integrity than a cat (because a cat is always living out exactly what it understands to be most real and true), I have a greater capacity for understanding and expressing higher values that reflect more of what is most real and true than what a cat perceives.

This is the beauty of being a human being. Theologically speaking, we could say that we reflect more of God than anything else on this planet.

"So then why is the world so messed up?" Good question!

The crux of this is our free will: we don't HAVE to act on what we perceive to be higher values.

This is the great perennial challenge for humanity. We may discover higher values but we are not necessarily prepared to live them. We often face a not-so-small gap between our values and actions and to try and make sense of this can be very confusing and frustrating. But being aware of this gap in our own lives is essential if we wish to close it. The tendency we have, especially when we become aware of very high ideals, is to attempt to close the gap superficially by searching for reasons that validate its existence. We find ways to explain why living up to such ideals is unreasonable at best and impossible at worst.

Such explanations can vary immensely but essentially what they all have in common is the perspective that there must be something in our way that is preventing us from living out these values, whether that be cultural conditioning, psychological trauma, our 'fallen' state as human beings, etc. Whatever explanation we choose, the onus is removed from us and the task becomes trying to get rid of the perceived obstacle or deciding that it's too big to move and instead using our energy to find a comfy place to sit down and relax. After all, there's nothing more we can do. We're only human.

Unfortunately, if we're genuinely interested in our own individual and collective growth and development then this will not do. Yes, there are some things we are incapable of as limited, finite human beings. But any values that we become aware of, either intentionally or not, we become capable of expressing. That's a bold statement, I know.

Whether you agree with this or not, the question I pose is what keeps us from living a life of significant integrity, where our actions consistently reflect our highest values?

I think we need to understand, to some degree, how and why this 'integrity gap' is present in our lives if we wish to have any success in closing it.

Integrity pt.1

2011-10-12T19:14:00.000-07:00

I started this a long while ago and, along with a cool graph, it's going to be broken up into multiple parts.

Integrity, as I'm going to be using the word, relates to the distance between our highest ideals and our actual 'lived' values. In other words, to what degree does how we believe we SHOULD live line up with how we DO live?

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I chose to arrange this graph around our actual 'lived' values because I think that's one reasonable way of measuring development. As I've explored this topic I've come to see that there are many different ways of looking at which bar on the graph might be most significant in terms of our own development as individuals and groups.

If integrity alone is most important then the rest of the living and non-living world around us would appear to put most of humanity to shame. I've never seen an ant living in a way that undermined their highest known values. They're troopers, they are. Not to mention bacteria, or better yet, a big ol' rock. Now, I'll concede some ignorance to what rocks may or may not be aware of but I think it's fair to say they're giving it their best or at the very least they have a really strong union and seem to fall in line with their collective 'rock values' without exception.

Even babies have a leg up on adult human beings! How embarrassing...While they may need us to change their diapers, they have complete confidence that they are the center of the universe and act accordingly. The naive innocence they express represents perfect integrity, from one perspective, and yet I do not believe that when Jesus said to become like children he meant that we should cry when we don't get what we want and freely poop our pants.

While there's no going back, no 'return to innocence,' children often live up to a high level of integrity that diminishes in most of us over time. Their choices tend to line up more frequently with what their highest known ideals are, even if these ideals are often relatively immature and simplistic. Not to limit the value of children to walking object lessons but to simply point out that while most are lacking in developed ideals and values that take into account the complexities of life, they often live with greater integrity than most adults.

The other side of this is that integrity alone doesn't lead to higher values being expressed in the world. All integrity means is that we're living up to what we've come to believe to be the highest ideals, regardless of what those ideals might actually be. We like to think integrity means living up to some certain objective ethical standard but that's something else entirely. How we come to discern which values and ideals are actually higher is another story. Integrity really is entirely subjective. This means that a used car salesperson could, theoretically, have greater integrity than a Red Cross aid worker.

Why? Because integrity isn't just about what you do, it's also about what you really believe. Yes, what we believe matters! Having said that, belief or faith without action is dead. They're both important and connected and I think it's helpful to see this relationship more clearly.

Making Room for the Mystery: Letting Go pt. 3

2011-09-26T12:33:00.000-07:00

The purpose of 'letting go' is not for its own sake but as a means to an end. The end is love:

"The mystery of Christ is the ultimate truth, the reality towards which all human life aspires. And this mystery is known by love. Love is going out of oneself, surrendering the self, letting the reality, the truth, take over...It is not something we achieve for ourselves. It is something that comes when we let go. We have to abandon everything - all words, thoughts, hopes, fears, all attachment to ourselves or to any earthly things, and let the divine mystery take possession of our lives. It feels like death, and it is, in fact, a sort of dying. It is encountering the darkness, the abyss, the void. It is facing absolute nothingness - or as Augustine Baker, the English Benedictine said, it is 'the union of the nothing with the Nothing'. This is the negative aspect of contemplation. The positive aspect is, of course, the opposite. It is total fulfillment, total wisdom, total bliss, the answer to all problems, the peace which passes understanding, the joy which is the fullness of love."

~ English Benedictine monk, Bede Griffiths

God is always ready to go, one hundred percent, never holding anything back. Our job, one could say, is to let go more and more to create more and more space for God to be embodied through our lives. Does this make sense? Any questions are more than welcome. I've more to say but this will be good for now. I shall wait. Perhaps the thoughts of others will help to inspire and clarify my own? That would be splendid:)

Lost at Sea: Letting Go pt.2

2011-09-20T08:18:00.000-07:00

Back and forth, back and forth,
I float on the waves as the storm rages around me.
I know not where I am, though land seems far, far away.
A wave washes over me, carrying me to the depths below.

A moment of peace.

Water fills my lungs as I fight to reach the surface,
Coughing and sputtering as I go.
How much longer can I go on like this?
To sink beneath the waves and never return seems like utter bliss,
And yet some part of me will not concede to such madness.

I struggle to stay afloat,
To keep my head above the water.
Who will save me?
Who will rescue me from such struggle?

Silence.

I feel the urge to give up,
To simply let go,
And sink down to the depths,
To trust.

Trust what? Who?
I do not know.
Such faith is a luxury I cannot afford,
For life and death hang in the balance.

I search out signs of coming help,
But all I see are black clouds,
All I hear is the pouring rain,
And the sound of the beating waves.
I have nothing to hold onto,
No one to turn to.

If I sink I will surely drown!
And yet I can do little else,
Struggling to stay afloat.

I know I must let go,
To fall into the depths of my own being,
And trust that death is not the end.

Do I have the courage to do such a thing?
Do I have the strength of intention to truly let go,
To surrender to this certain death?

Part of me must die, this is true,
Yet I do not feel ready to die.

What is beyond such death?
Who will I be?
I am faced with a choice,
Death for life.
To embrace this life,
I must never return.

Surrender shakes my soul,
And I am overwhelmed.
I yearn for freedom,
Yet I refuse to let go.

Panic.

I hear a voice within,
Promising that it is safe.
Do I trust this voice?
All lies, perhaps,
Trying to deceive me!

But there is a gentleness to the voice,
An invitation to trust,
To rest in what I cannot see.

Who would dare to ask this of me?
To embrace such folly?
I will not!
I choke on more water,
As I thrash about in the endless sea.

Could such promises be true?
True enough to risk all that I have and know and am?

Silence.

It slowly dawns on me,
Like the rising sun,
Piercing my soul,
There is but one way to find out.

Heaven is a Collaboratory

2011-09-10T14:42:00.000-07:00

First of all, I want to say that writing is a great way of expressing a lot of depth and yet I find myself more inspired through conversations with others...even if the 'conversations' often result in me talking a lot more than the other person. Sometimes I allow myself to get carried away, which isn't always a great thing. If this happens to you at some point, I apologize.

I do deeply care about what others have to offer but even more than that I'm interested in the emergence of that which is new, whether that's through my own life and words, through those of another, or (ideally) through authentic engagement with others, which just means the interweaving of the highest dimension of my self with this same self expressed in and through others.

The interesting thing is that there are, in fact, perspectives, possibilities and potentials that emerge in this kind of intersubjective context that cannot emerge through any one individual. This is where community ceases to be important and becomes essential.

Do we need others to live? Technically, no (case in point: Tarzan).

Do we need others to develop and mature? To a significant degree, yes.

Do we need others to help us take significant steps forward on the spiritual path? Almost always, yes.

Even in all of this we don't need to be consciously and intentionally involved with others for us to take some significant steps forward in our own personal journey of spiritual transformation. Nevertheless, it would be absurdly difficult and require an incredible degree of uncompromising intention for us to really take some huge leaps without the support of others.

The only thing we absolutely and unequivocably need this kind of deep engagement with others for is to consciously create new human culture. Yes, I speak as if such things are possible. But we cannot create the world on our own. For many people, it may sound outrageous and arrogant to think that we can create the world at all and yet that is what we are all doing, whether we're aware of it or not. The world of culture is the world of shared agreements with others, implicit and explicit, conscious and unconscious, that provides the framework and structures for human relationships and our existence together on this planet.

However our world began, it seems to be moving forward in a direction, evolving. Not only biologically but also culturally, socially, and even morally. That last point is likely the most contentious, as we tend to romanticize the past of those 'days gone by,' when the world was a 'better' place compared to the postmodern stew of relativism, narcissism, and a general ambivalence or even hostility towards certain values and ideals of those 'days gone by.' It can be easy to casually dismiss the developments of modernism and postmodernism when so many things still seem to be so wrong with the world but such a perspective does not take into account the very real change and forward development that has actually occurred through these cultural and philosophical paradigm shifts.

While individuals may still seem as depraved as ever (though such a view ignores some theories and findings within developmental and evolutionary psychology), human rights within the developed world has never been more culturally accepted, valued and even demanded. Of course, this progression of thought and values has led to challenges and follies in other areas, no doubt, but when viewed from a process perspective of development these very real issues and problems can be seen as expected and unavoidable, that any time we take a real step forward into a new way of seeing and being, new challenges emerge that we were not even aware of previously.

This is not bad news! It just means we have to reorient our perspective a bit.

It's part of the process, part of creation. New potentials are born out of the death of the old but there is always further to go. That is what our understanding of life has revealed to us thus far. However this might end, assuming there is an end (perhaps not), we can't know about such things with any kind of certainty. At the same time, it seems we do have a significant role to play in getting to wherever we're going through awakening to this relatively new perspective of an evolving world and consciously taking responsibility for the direction we are heading by choosing to be co-creative participants in the shaping of our world. What could be more important?

Whatever heaven might be, it's only going to come into being through our willful participation, through our conscious collaboration with God. I no longer believe God is going to step in and fix things, which I've expressed previously. This doesn't mean that salvation rests in our frail human hands alone, nor does it reside solely in the hands of a divine being, but rather in the conscious union of the Creator and the Created.

One without the other is not enough to get us to the gates of heaven. God alone is not going to force this upon us and we do not have the power on our own. The universe has made it this far without much divine intervention, but now we are the ones who must divinely intervene, who must choose to become vessels for Spirit to emerge between and through us, who must take responsibility for our part in the perpetual, unending and miraculous act of creation through these 'frail human hands.'

If we awaken to this spiritual imperative and impulse in the context of an evolving universe, that can really change everything - our entire relationship to life - if we are willing. In undertaking such a shift in perspective we begin to find the idea and expression of perpetual development ceaselessly compelling. Not only that, we discover the task of evolving the world to be undeniably our own.

Embracing this orientation as individuals is essential and is certainly radical enough but the real path towards genuine and lasting transformation of our world for the better is doing this with others. It's a tall order, no doubt, and yet if such things are true this would seem to be the most important endeavour we could possibly undertake. Are we up for such a challenge?

We all must come to our own conclusions on such matters and I am deeply convinced such contemplation is entirely worthwhile, even if we don't all come to the same conclusions.

Whatever our understanding might be, if we're interested in changing the world, one thing is certain: we can't do it alone.

[A friend of mine has made use of a 'word limit' for posts on her blog that I intend to adapt to this space...eventually. Sorry for the length but thank you for being willing to participate with me in this engagement!]

Letting Go Pt. 1

2011-08-29T19:13:00.000-07:00

I like to know where I'm going to end up before I start.

Before I start anything.

If I don't know what's supposed to happen it's like stepping into a black abyss. Not very appealing to the part of me that desperately desires the future to be put in a nice, tidy order. Reality is much more messy than this part of ourselves would like it to be. But we can pretend this is not so, can't we? We can live our lives in a world of 'make believe,' acting as if we have almost limitless control over our circumstances and surroundings.

It's true that most of us live in a cultural and social context when many of our whims can be satisfied with little more than some numbers on a plastic card. My whims usually involve delicious candy, truth be told. But I digress. We might give lip service to the uncertainty of the future but we live as though we know exactly what's going to happen. And you know what? We're likely very right. Situations and circumstances can change, without a doubt, and yet if we live as though the story of our lives has already been told, we will likely find ourselves playing the part we feel destined to play, even when a much greater role is awaiting us.

Could it be that our lives have infinitely more potential than we're aware of? Perhaps not. After all, infinite is a lot. But what if it were so? How would we find out?

We have to be willing to let everything go and discover what remains.

I'm reminded of the biblical story of Jesus and the wealthy ruler, where he asks Jesus what he must do to inherit eternal life and after some dialogue the ruler is told to sell all his possessions, give to the poor and then follow Jesus. A tall order!

I've heard it said that this passage is implying that we must only be willing to let go of all our possessions rather than a command for us to literally get rid of them. I would tend to agree with that, except I've never heard anyone, to my memory, speak of how we become willing and what that really looks like.

How do we know we're willing? Because we feel like we are? This kind of 'letting go' is not something to simply be practiced when we feel inspired towards generosity or are asked for what we do not wish to give. No, this kind of 'letting go' is a position, a particular relationship to life and our experience.

Of course, we really could actually sell everything we own but that doesn't mean we'll be any less attached to it! Not only that, it is not simply our material goods that constitute our 'possessions.' No, we try to possess many things, from relationships to opinions and perspectives to our self-image, etc. Anything we're holding onto, internally, is something we're attempting to possess.

These possessions aren't all bad things and I don't believe Jesus was implying otherwise, that all possessions are negative or harmful. In this context, it's not really about the things themselves but more about our relationship to them. We may be very generous with our money and belongings, we may have a lot of wonderful relationships in life, our opinions and perspectives may be quite reflective of truth, and our self-image might be quite healthy and grounded. Surely we should not give up these wonderful 'possessions' that seem so wholesome and good?

Yes, we must. But not because they are bad.

When we truly let go of all our possessions - everything - we discover a part of ourselves that needs nothing else to be complete and whole. It is only in becoming rooted in this deepest dimension of ourselves that we will be truly free to follow the path that Jesus walked and invited others to join him on, the path of selfless love. We must learn to let go of everything so that we will be free enough to consciously participate in creating the future, in bringing heaven to earth.

To be continued...

What is most important?

2011-08-17T18:34:00.000-07:00

This is a question I keep coming back to over and over again. Why? Because I keep running away from it! Most of us can come up with some idea of what's important in life, if really pushed, though discerning what we believe to be most important can be a more challenging task, without a doubt.

All of us are already expressing what is most important to us through the way we live our lives, whether our conscious beliefs line up with that or not. So it's not simply a question of figuring out what's most important but also discerning what we already believe to be most important.

I can intellectually assert that the evolution of self, consciousness and culture is what's most important but I also know that my actions most often do not reflect this perspective. When I'm confronted with a new possibility of profound transformation in the way I live and relate to life I most often choose to recoil in fear, unwilling to face the unknown potential that begins to emerge when I really make the effort to give myself to spiritual practice thru aligning my actions with my highest intentions.

What happens? I begin to see that change is really possible, yet ultimately demanding, and I decide to stick with my ego's perspective and position because it's so much more familiar and comfortable, even if it completely contradicts my heart and soul. It seems to me that the ego's perspective is that what is most important is for us to feel a particular way, to feel 'good,' whatever that might mean to us, regardless of the implications.

We can do an incredible amount of genuinely positive actions even when our primary locus of importance is on our own feeling of 'goodness.' We can be generous, act humbly and confess our failures - all good things, in and of themselves - and yet be motivated by a personal desire to somehow feel better. Even when we do things that harm ourselves and those closest to us, they're often done to feel 'better,' even if 'better' doesn't mean happy, positive emotions.

The specifics maybe aren't that important and it seems likely we all have different psychological leanings, meaning it's not so much about what we're wanting to feel, only that we want to feel a certain way...or NOT feel a certain way, however one wishes to look at it. What this position says, essentially, is that how we feel is most important.

Until we face our unconscious and unclear motives and values it's going to be difficult for any deep and lasting change to occur. How could it? Of course, this applies to so many areas of life but how much more crucial is our response when it relates to transforming ourselves and the world for the better? I can see and feel my own resistance to both looking at this question and also seeing the dissonance between the answer whispered in my heart and the answer spoken through my life.

To really wrestle with these things is ultimately serious and demanding work; spiritual 'heavy lifting,' so to speak. But if we really do want to move forward in significant ways, and not get stuck, it's work we all have to do. I'm also becoming more and more convinced that we need others to help us in this process, those who are willing to engage this question more deeply and help one another see ourselves more clearly and honestly.

Even after all I've said I truly believe I've understated the importance of all of this. This question is huge and the further I move towards it the bigger it appears; it really does have the potential to define one's destiny.

You don't need muscles to do this kind of 'heavy lifting,' only courage.

Implications

2011-08-09T20:27:00.000-07:00

I'm realizing that one of the most significant reasons I don't share in this space more frequently is that part of me doesn't want to face the implications that emerge.

My ego says that I really mustn't having anything substantial to say because if I did I would feel a strong desire to share it with others and engage in dialogue, learning and growing in the process. "If I really had something worth sharing," says the ego, "it would be obvious and wouldn't require much effort to express." It also offers excuses such as, "I'm not ready," as if I should wait for the point when I'm somehow mystically ready to write some words on a page and then my literary contributions can serve as an expression of the Divine.

The beautiful truth about 'enlightenment,' or being a vessel for God in the world, is that it's a position that's always available to us in every moment, if we're able to see it and willing to align our lives with it. There's no 'prep work' involved in being a liberated human being for Spirit. There is a huge amount of effort to be made and work to be done in getting any of us to a place where we can see this reality and embrace its implications and consequences, but as for the actual 'living it out,' there's nothing to prepare for, no assembly required.

In theological terms, we could say that we simply need to surrender our lives to God and then God will do the rest. Another way would be to say that we need to give up our identification with our ego and choose to align our lives with the deepest dimension of who we are, which is not separate from the creative process itself that gave birth to us. Whatever way we choose to look at it, the point is that there's nothing fundamentally in the way of us assuming this radically reoriented relationship to life, other than the personal and cultural resistance and skepticism we experience internally at the thought of taking such a bold and audacious stance.

How this all relates to my writing is that because I'm more aware of this particular aspect of reality I find that I am compelled to look more deeply into my own motives. If I know that I can choose to assume this relationship to life and allow my writing, to some degree, to be an expression of Spirit without the need for any particular preparation or spontaneous inspiration then it would seem the choice to avoid doing so implies I'm holding something back or avoiding something, that I am recoiling from the opportunity and challenge to really contribute in a meaningful and significant way, whatever that might look like.

And so I've come to see more clearly, when I take a closer look at myself, that I have so much to say but that part of me is terrified to say it. A bit of that might be fear of offending or confusing others, or of being critiqued and questioned, but the truth is that I'm learning to appreciate these challenges. I've much room for growth in this area but I am growing.

No, more than anything else it seems the issue is my ego's irrational refusal to change and, more importantly, my identification with that position.

I experience much fear and resistance to publicly speaking these deeper spiritual truths - as I understand them - because I'm being confronted more deeply with the inescapable reality that the implications they have on my own life are enormous. The ego is interested in philosophical discussion and debate and finds intriguing ideas very compelling, but not in a way much different than a dog finds its new chew toy endlessly fascinating. Ideas, by themselves, accomplish nothing. It is only when they are manifest in the world through our conscious actions that they gain the power to affect the world. And this, with regards to spiritual transformation, is exactly what the ego wants nothing to do with.

When I begin to discover within myself the motivation to take responsibility for all that I know and have experienced, I also discover an extreme resistance from another part of the self towards taking any kind of responsibility at all. This part of the self always wants 'wiggle room,' to keep things vague and hidden and ambiguous so that I'm never confronted with my own lack of integrity in failing to live up to the highest ideals that I've come to recognize and value.

As soon as we become very clear and uncompromising in our intention to spiritually evolve, this part of the self completely freaks out because it is no longer the center of attention, as we continue to relinquish the 'freedom' to live out of our silly little ego.

I'm also realizing that if I really am interested in my own spiritual transformation, and the evolution of consciousness and culture, then I need to face these challenges directly and embrace the personal implications that emerge. That's not to say this is something we do on our own, 'lone wolf'-style. Far from it. We unequivocally need to engage with others who share this transformative spiritual intention to co-create contexts to explore, and structures to hold, these higher values together, whatever they might be.

I apologize for holding back so much of what I have to contribute through this space and I desire to be held accountable in offering more of what I'm able to offer, for the benefit of us all.

Thank you.

Heaven and Earth

2011-06-23T13:07:00.000-07:00

Our postmodern culture is awash with cynicism. About what? About most things, really, but especially about anything attempting to push boundaries and explore what's possible. This cynicism is fairly well grounded, in the sense that history has left so much idealism lying cold and lifeless on the floor, and that goes for Hitler's twisted utopian ideal to the 60s hippy, 'free love' movement and everything in between.

Not all ideals are equal, that's for sure. But if we let go of the importance of ideals entirely then we're left with very little to work with aside from a deep-rooted ambivalence towards making the effort to be co-creators of positive change in a world that is still quite far from being considered 'heaven on earth'.

Of course, neither I - nor most people - are all too interested in creating heaven on earth. We're either much too preoccupied with our own issues and feel quite incapable of doing much of value or we believe that it's not really possible to create such a world, that we need to wait for divine intervention for that to happen, if it could even possibly happen at all.

As much as my selfish, ambivalent, narcissistic and materialistic ego doesn't want to admit the significance or reality of this, the truth is such: no one is going to do it for us.

Is God going to 'redeem' the world? Perhaps. But God is only going to redeem the world through our conscious decision to participate in the process. Don't worry, I'm going to get more outrageous yet.

When facing the seemingly insurmountable suffering in the world, we tend to want someone else to save us, whoever or whatever that might be. It's understandable, without a doubt. But it's not going to happen, at least not without us. Even in the scriptures of the Old Testament, God did not free his people from captivity or win them wars without the participation of the people themselves, to varying degrees. Even if there is a Divine Person out there, it seems that we human beings have a mighty big obligation to lend a hand.

At one point, during my time in India, I mostly gave up making any effort at all to do much of value. I quit volunteering and sat around my hotel room for most of the day, day after day. I felt completely overwhelmed with the possibility that I was the one who had to make a difference.

"No," I thought, "that can't be true. I'm not God and this is all just too big for me. If there is any kind of God out there, He/She/It has to do the heavy lifting, not lil' ol' me."

What I really wanted was an excuse to not be responsible. And I got it. I still use that line, from time to time, but it holds much less weight these days. I don't believe that I can simply transform the world for the better through my own willpower and determination alone. This kind of inspiration is 'divine', if you will, but the thing is that this divine inspiration is only manifest in the world through us. It can't take us beyond where we are at now in affecting positive change at the leading edge of human culture without being embodied in our conscious actions.

We know that God isn't going to butter our toast or parallel park our car for us but somehow we would like to think that God is going to save the world because that's something we can't do. Well, here's a thought: we can't do it without God but God can't do it without us!

Are we simply waiting around, as I still do at times, to either die and go to some kind of glorious paradise or for God to finally put *His* foot down and straighten things up, rolling into town on a thundercloud, remarking, "It's okay, folks, I'll take it from here. Everything is going to be juuust fine," while tossing a playful wink in our direction?

My criticism of this perspective is not any sort of criticism of God. That it is most certainly NOT. It is truly not even a criticism of those who still adhere to this position. But what it is is a flaming arrow aimed at the heart of the traditional idea that God is going to take care of things for us, without us. It seems to me that one of the reasons there's so much cynicism and ambivalence even within many spiritual communities in our culture is that we remain largely unaware and/or unconvinced of how crucial our participation is in creating the kingdom of heaven on this very earth, a kingdom that only emerges through our choice to give it form. But seriously, how cool is that?!?

Of course, our ego says that it's "too much." And, of course, our ego is right. It's much too much. It's overwhelmingly and unendingly too much. With this in mind, it's no wonder why our ego is never going to agree to such audacious idealism! But we still can.

We can become the 'divine interveners' of our time and take responsibility for the part we can play, individually and collectively, in creating heaven on earth.

What could be more worthwhile?

Transformation as Reorientation

2011-05-25T19:46:00.000-07:00

In writing a forthcoming post about integrity and development, it became apparent that a gentle sloping line of growth doesn't quite express the subtle dimensions of spiritual transformation. And what does 'spiritual transformation' even mean?

Regardless of how different traditions have interpreted and languaged these things, the essence of spiritual transformation seems to be about a profound reorienting of the self, of who we are in existence. It's about discovering and then manifesting a part of who we are that has a radically different relationship to life than the one we normally assume. Whether we call this the 'Spirit of Christ' and think we need to believe in Jesus in order to receive it or whether we call it our 'Authentic Self' and see it as always already a part of who we are in the deepest dimension of our being, the principle is still the same: discovering a radically different position to life that transcends all of our individual desires and fears.

It's amazingly encouraging to discover that there have been people from virtually all religious traditions who have attempted to point us to this simple yet utterly transformational experience and perspective. So if it's so simple, why are so few spiritual seekers and practioners living radically different lives? Part of the issue, I believe, is that we're trying to have our individual ego transformed, meaning that we want our thoughts and feelings to be transformed: to feel better and happier and more peaceful and content. However, trying to make our ego into God is ridiculous, though our ego would strongly disagree!

It's not about our ego - our individual self-sense - being transformed into a better version for us to identify with, it's about our manifest life being transformed through identifying with, and living out of, a completely different part of ourselves. Our ego is not interested in this kind of business, for it means the ego is no longer the centre of the world and that we are no longer victims of our very personal and overwhelming desires and fears. This means that when we attempt to let go of our exclusive identity with this part of ourselves we encounter a lot of psychologial resistance, much of which can sound very reasonable.

"How could I be anything other than who I am? That would be so inauthentic!"

"I'm just not capable of doing that. Maybe if I worked at it for a long time..."

"What if it means giving up things I want? That's just not fair!"

Our mind is an amazing tool but we're not going to discover spiritual liberation through it, despite what it is constantly saying to us. Why not? Because this kind of reorientation is about shifting our identity to something that isn't a 'thing' at all, that can't be contained or objectified in any way. It's beyond all of our thoughts, feelings, and personal ego. It's not something we can figure out. It's the ineffable mystery we call 'God.'

How overwhelming is that?!?

To our ego, it will always seem like it's just way, way too much. That part of ourselves is never going to be interested in transformation except for selfish reasons and as soon as we begin to make genuine effort to embrace this reorientation of identity our ego will fight it tooth and nail.

We may want to feel free, to be happy and content, to have profound spiritual experiences, to live a rich and fulfilling life and even become a better person. But as soon as we explore the idea of living from a place that transcends our individual person we freak right the heck out. Understandably so! It feels like death to the ego, no doubt.

But our personal individuality doesn't need to be destroyed, only our incessant and exclusive identification with it. In fact, it's a beautiful part of who we are! But it's not so beautiful when we choose to live as if it's the ONLY or even the most important part.

The effort needed for our lives to become manifest expressions of God is not in trying to be better or do more but rather to surrender and take responsibility for all of the parts of ourselves that have no interest or desire to surrender whatsoever. No, we (the ego) can't be God. That's a given. But we can allow God to 'be' us. Are we ready to give our lives to this kind of radical reorientation and fully face into whatever we encounter? Probably not, as I know that I'm often more preoccupied with my own selfish desires. But if not then what are we doing with our time and energy? What are we doing with our spiritual life?

Though there are always rare exceptions and miraculous gifts of transformative grace, for most of us if we're not unwaveringly committed to this kind of deep transformation it's not going to happen as any kind of consistent expression in how we live. We need to take responsibility for ourselves and the lives we are living. The good news is that we can! There is indeed hope and all things are possible with God. The only catch is that we need to participate in creating the 'possible'.

Yes, God needs our help.

But, seriously, what could be more worthwhile if we really stop to contemplate this?

The Path of Conscious Love: A Crucified Christ

2011-04-22T14:42:00.000-07:00

In the Christian calendar, today is 'Good Friday', a day set aside to remember the crucifixion of Jesus . Today, I sat with my spiritual community and reflected on the significance of this event and the implications therein.

The message I've always heard is how grateful we should be for Jesus' sacrifice on our behalf, dying for our sins as an atonement to the Father. I don't know how that is supposed to work, nor am I very concerned with it anymore, though the gratefulness I completely endorse!

This morning I was struck by how little sense this interpretation made to the perspective I now have of the message of Jesus. Not that it doesn't make sense at all, only that it no longer makes sense from where I now stand. It is a valid and valuable understanding of Jesus' death and yet it is still incomplete. It leaves out our role in the unfolding drama. Our tendency is to make it all about Jesus and what he did for us. We want to applaud his humble and righteous efforts, but from the sidelines, of course.

We want a Jesus who was crucified in our place...so that we don't have to be.

But that's not the Jesus I've come to understand. Yes, we can be grateful - and every drop of gratitude we could offer would never be too much -and give unending thanks for his heroic willingness to face the agony of abandonment and the torture of crucifixion for our sake. But for what reason? To what end? Jesus' message was not one of doctrinal belief but one of self-sacrificial love and he offered us an awesome and beautiful example of how far this love can really take us, how it can literally change the course of history. His life, death, and resurrection offer a clear picture of the path of spiritual transformation.

Jesus didn't climb the mount of Calvary to take our place on that cross, he climbed up to show us the way. There's a tendency to see Jesus as so separate, special and divine that his life is relegated to being an exception to the rule rather than as an example of the one Rule to follow. To follow Jesus is to embrace our own crucifixion, the death of our compulsive identification with the fears and desires of our narcissistic ego. If we take Jesus seriously we are faced with a terrifyingly simple message that demands everything from us if we are to heed his words and follow in his path: surrender to God.

The kind of surrender Jesus lived is absolute. It leaves no room for half-measures or compromise. Is this the path we're grateful to discover? I personally find it distasteful yet undeniably compelling. My ego will always resist it's own death as the focal point of my identity and existence, and yet the Spirit of Christ - which transcends any individual - continues to emerge within my life as I choose to give it more and more space, guiding me forward as I surrender more and more to the impulse of the Divine within my own being.

Jesus gave his life for all of us but did so by showing us how to give our lives to God. Jesus did not die to simply be resurrected as an individual but for the Spirit of Christ to be resurrected in this world through all of us. But before we give rise to new life we must face and embrace the reality of death.

There is a cross laid out immanently before us all in every moment and yet how many of us are willing to offer our hands and feet to be pierced for the sake of Love? I must confess, often I am not. Often I want to run and hide, to leave this 'dying' business to the professionals, to a messiah. But there is no one else to do it for us. Jesus showed us the path in the clearest way he could and in every moment it is we and we alone who decide whether to walk it or not.

The cross is now empty to make room for each of us.

Free to be free

2011-03-26T10:22:00.000-07:00

For most of my life I've tended to be a contemplative individual, always thinking and processing and trying to understand myself and the world around me, to varying degrees of success. But in all of my attempts to make sense of my own seemingly divided thoughts, feelings, and actions I never had enough space to take a step back and look at myself. Well, I guess the space is always there but I never knew it. I just had this sense that if I took a step back that I would fall into nothingness, that death was the only other place I could possibly be.

In a sense, I was right. But I'll get to that.

If your only two options seem to be: a) feeling cornered and trapped by life, or b) death; that doesn't lead to a hopeful existence. And much of my life has been marked by a significant lack of hope. In the past I've had some kind of hope in an afterlife, which only made the 'death' option that much more appealing, but not a lot of hope for my actual life, here and now. If heaven is a place of perfection, why not just jump straight to it? Why bother to endure the excruciating pain that we sometimes experience in this existence? The short answer could be that we get rewarded if we do and/or punished if we don't. That kind of answer was never enough for me.

In fact, I distinctly remember, at one point, feeling an unwavering confidence that God would never punish me for choosing to take the easy way out, to skip straight to the 'good ending'. In many ways, I had already rejected the idea of eternal joy or suffering being based on my actions. I didn't know who God was but I believed deeply in my heart that this God I didn't know was a loving and compassionate God who understood the excruciating existential agony and hopelessness that I was embedded in for so long.

In fact, that despair is still with me on most days. Sometimes barely noticeable and sometimes like a torrential downpour of misery. I would like to be happy and content. I would like to not feel these feelings, to be able to escape or destroy them. But as much as I would like to be 'enlightened' and be filled with an immovable confidence and joy, I began to realize more fully today that, in the end, it doesn't really matter.

I definitely want it to be easy, to experience spontaneous and permanent liberation from egoic fear, doubt, and desire, but that's not the reason I'm here. The reason I'm here is to take a step forward in this process, to grow in this experience of humanity and help to create a greater shift in our collective consciousness as brothers and sisters of a global humanity. In short, to create the kingdom of God on earth. And it may be that it is always going to be a struggle for me, that I will never be rid of these limiting thoughts and feelings. But that doesn't mean that they must limit me.

I recently heard a Muslim professor speak beautifully of the Islamic perspective of life as struggle, that anything that is truly worthwhile must be pursued with determination and effort and is seldom easy. Of course, not everything we do that is worthwhile is always difficult but on the journey to freedom each step upwards is a push against the pull of the status quo and our own limiting cultural and personal beliefs. This often requires an enormous amount of effort. On the path of spiritual liberation, nothing short of offering everything will be enough. Though while we might always experience internal resistance from our ego to offering more and more of ourselves to the spiritual impulse, the amazing thing is that the more we offer the easier it becomes, regardless of how we might feel about it.

I no longer see the goal as being free from my despair but as simply being free, fully and unconditionally. I do experience a strong desire to be free from uncomfortable and difficult feelings and experiences but that's not what's most important. So my path becomes not about ridding myself of discomfort and pain but about learning how to deepen and strengthen my own highest intention to pursue freedom above all else, not simply for some kind of selfish, individualistic benefit but for the sake of my own highest Self, which is the same Self as every other human being.

The next night from the Flock came Kirk Maynard Gull, wobbling across the sand, dragging his left wing, to collapse at Jonathan's feet. "Help me," he said very quietly, speaking the the way that the dying speak. "I want to fly more than anything else in the world..."
"Come along then," said Jonathan. "Climb with me away from the ground, and we'll begin."
"You don't understand. My wing. I can't move my wing."
"Maynard Gull, you have the freedom to be yourself, your true self, here and now, and nothing can stand in your way. It is the Law of the Great Gull, the Law that Is."
"Are you saying I can fly?"
"I say you are free."
As simply and quickly as that, Kirk Maynard Gull spread his wings, effortlessly, and lifted into the dark night air. The Flock was roused from sleep by his cry, as loud as he could scream it, from five hundred feet up; "I can fly! Listen! I CAN FLY!"
By sunrise there were nearly a thousand birds standing outside the circle of students, looking curiously at Maynard. They didn't care whether they were seen or not, and they listened, trying to understand Jonathan Seagull.
He spoke of very simple things - that it is right for a gull to fly, that freedom is the very nature of his being, that whatever stands against that freedom must be set aside, be it ritual or superstition or limitation in any form.
"Set aside," came a voice from the multitude, "even if it be the Law of the Flock?"
"The only true law is that which leads to freedom," Jonathan said. "There is no other."

~ Jonathan Livingston Seagull, Richard Bach

Lent

2011-03-10T13:36:00.000-08:00

I'm discovering a deeper appreciation for my Christian heritage, which is a profound encouragement given that on my journey I've contemplated whether or not to discard it for something else entirely. While I've had to discard some particular beliefs and ways of interpreting things in order to make room for a fuller understanding of many other sources of truth, I've also discovered a great deal more beauty than I had seen in the past. My heart is more open to receive and I think this makes all the difference in the world.

I've never really given anything up for Lent before, and wasn't planning on starting, but I felt compelled. My heart was moved to give up bread. I hadn't thought about it before but it fits in well with the Lent narrative, which is Jesus' forty days in the wilderness before he began his ministry. Part of the narrative speaks of his temptation to turn the rocks into bread, something entirely appealing if you've been fasting for that long! But he refused, quoting the Torah that we do not live by bread alone but by the very words of God. It's not that eating bread is wrong or even that turning rocks into bread is wrong, it's that the wilderness is about something else.

"What is most important to me?"

This is the perennial question that Jesus was wrestling with and it's the same question that confronts us all, thousands of years later. Jesus' time in the wilderness wasn't simply a test but rather a preparation. Just how far was he really willing to go? How much was he really prepared to give? How much of his life was he willing to surrender?

Jesus emerges from the wilderness with one clear response, "Everything."

For those of us at a place where we're serious about our spiritual growth, every moment is a confrontation with these questions, though they are often drowned out by the noise of the world and the chaos of our own minds. We don't like to face them because we don't like to face the parts of ourselves that are unwilling to give anything for the sake of spiritual transformation, let alone everything.

When we ask ourselves, "What is most important?", we likely won't uncover the most noble or unified answer and yet this is exactly what we must face if we do want to move forward. We need to face and take responsibility for all the parts of ourselves that have no interest in our spiritual transformation, in becoming a vessel for God in this world. If we're serious about our own development then we must make room in our lives for this question and create the space necessary to be genuinely present with our answers.

The journey into the wilderness is neither easy nor comfortable. But it is the wilderness that we discover the deeper answers.

Jesus emerges from the wilderness with an unshakable confidence in who he is, why he is here and where he is going.

These gifts are freely offered to all who would seek them out. Lent is an invitation to seek until we find. It's an invitation to encounter truth for ourselves, not mediated through any person or concept but as a direct experience of Reality.

Jesus emerges from the wilderness and changes the course of history.

Wide open

2011-02-18T11:12:00.000-08:00

How wide are we willing to open our hearts?

"Openness is bodily openness, muscular relaxation, heart openness as opposed to hiding behind some emotional wall, and spiritual openness, which is actually feeling so fully into the moment that there's no separation between you and the entire moment." ~ David Deida

I love hearing other voices speaking truth in new ways. It's encouraging and exciting, as if you could stare at the same picture all day, every day, and it would never cease to be compelling, that there would always be something new to discover. When we truly open our hearts wide, this is what we discover, we find that that which is Absolute, though not a 'thing' at all, is infinitely compelling. Unendingly compelling. Ceaselessly new.

But our hearts are often closed and we find life boring and mediocre, with moments of potential bliss and satisfaction sprinkled throughout. We figure there's some 'thing' out there that we're captivated by and just need to find it, to make it our own, to give ourselves fully to it. Why? Because we're scared of the kind of reckless abandon to life that all great spiritual teachings point.

We want to find God in a particular moment or a particular place or circumstance or relationship. We want to open our hearts only when we need to, only when we can be absolutely sure that we're going to receive something what we desire. We want to be open to love on our terms, on our conditions. And that is one reason why God and love seem so elusive at times. Because the reality is that they are here, right now, in every moment, no matter what this particular moment holds.

It's not just about being 'open', as some kind of post-modern idealism, but learning how to open ourselves more fully to the divine, that we will birth Spirit into this world in all that we say and do. It's not an openness that says, "Do what you feel like," but an openness that surrenders our small little selves to something unimaginably greater.

Being open is scary business for the ego. It can hurt like hell! In fact, many times it might seem like Hell would be a more attractive option! And when we do experience genuine moments of openness we often close up again rather quickly because we begin to realize what this kind of position to life might mean something pretty serious. It might just mean never turning away from anything! That's terrifying when we've been conditioned to pursue comfort, pleasure, and security. We build walls to keep reality out of our hearts because reality seems too painful at times, more than we can possibly bear. And it IS more than our egos can bear but certainly not more than our deepest Self. Spirit can bear anything because Spirit is in everything.

One might say that our spiritual work is to make the choice to open our hearts, to bear whatever comes our way - within us and without - and to use our unique self in this world to consciously express love more fully, with greater and greater depth and clarity. Our spiritual work is not simply to find God in this world but to BE God in this world.

Not for the faint of heart.

So what could it possibly look like to live life with a heart so wide open?

I guess you'll have to see for yourself...

Passionate Equanimity

2011-02-08T19:21:00.000-08:00

I recently finished reading "Grace and Grit" by Ken Wilber. While I do love his writing style and sheer philosophical brilliance, this was a different affair. This was a true story. A love story.

It's about the journey that he and his wife, Treya, took when they discovered she had breast cancer ten days after marrying and only four months after first meeting. It's the story of their lives together, for those five years before she died, and all of the pain and sadness, joy and beauty that filled the moments in between. It's a mix of commentary by Ken and journal entries and letters by Treya.

I wept as I read the last chapter - her last chapter - partly out of profound sadness yet partly out of sheer amazement and awe at the kind of person she was and how she faced her own death with such dignity and grace, such passionate equanimity.

That's the phrase that has been burned into my psyche.

Treya describes how most of her life had been spent focused on 'doing', on accomplishing things and being productive, and how much she denigrated the aspect of 'being' in her life. Through her journey she came to see that genuine acceptance of her situation, whatever she might face, was of crucial importance. With this came a new appreciation for simply 'being' and participating in life more fully through her presence.

At the same time, she wondered how to reconcile these two aspects of reality and after undergoing a major interior shift, she finally began to see their relationship more clearly. I have much I could say but I think her words say it best, offered in the last season of her life on earth.

"I was thinking about the Carmelite's emphasis on passion and the Buddhist's parallel emphasis on equanimity. This somehow seemed more important to me than the age-old argument about theism versus nontheism that these two groups usually engage in, and which seems beside the point to me. It suddenly occurred to me that our normal understanding of what passion means is loaded with the idea of clinging, of wanting something or someone, of fearing losing them, of possessiveness.

What if you had passion without all that stuff, passion without attachment, passion clean and pure? What would that be like, what would that mean? I thought of those moments in meditation when I've felt my heart open, a painfully wonderful sensation, a passionate feeling but without clinging to any content or person or thing. And the two words suddenly coupled in my mind and made a whole. Passionate equanimity, passionate equanimity - to be fully passionate about all aspects of life, about one's relationship with spirit, to care to the depths of one's being but with no trace of clinging or holding, that's what the phrase has come to mean to me. It feels full, rounded, complete, and challenging.

This feels very right to me, very deep to me, very central to what I have been working on for many years, going back to the name change. It's like the first part of my life was learning passion. The life after cancer, equanimity. And now bringing them together. This feels so important! And it seems slowly but surely to be permeating all aspects of my life. I still have a ways to go! But it feels like I can finally see the road clearly, on that "journey without goal."

And as for the task before me, it means to work passionately for life, without attachment to results. Passionate equanimity, passionate equanimity. So appropriate!"

I believe that this, more than anything else, is an expression of what it means to surrender to God.

Acceptance

2011-02-01T21:58:00.000-08:00

"There is nothing unworthy of acceptance."

Upon hearing that, my internal reaction was rather visceral, caught between my chest tightening and my heart expanding, my thoughts running rampant.

"What do you mean?"

Yes, it's perfect

"How is that possible?"

Everything is worthy

"There's so much tragedy and pain in life!"

Everything is perfect.

Everything is.

This seems a bold statement to make but not one that is unfounded. This does not mean that we should cease to make choices to change situations and circumstances for the better but it does mean we let go of our fundamental belief that what exists in this present moment is 'bad', that there is something fundamentally wrong with reality, as it is. And as long as we think there is something wrong, we will either become obsessed with fixing it or give up in apathy.

Reality is what 'is' and is ultimately unchangeable. No amount of frustration or sadness or anger - righteous or otherwise - is going to change what already is. Yet this is beautiful because it means that we don't have to struggle against what cannot be changed! We don't have to resist and fight and rage against the truth of this moment.

"But I want to change the world!" you say, "Or at least my own life and circumstances!"

Absolutely. Do it. Go for it 100%. Give it everything you've got.

But you can't change this moment. You can only respond to it.

We create the future by responding to the present, not trying to change it. What 'is' can never be changed but how we choose to respond to it is entirely in our own hands. The 'problem' is that we often end up focusing our energy on what cannot be changed and overlook the incredible potential that also exists in this moment to create a new possibility, the opportunity to midwife a better future that has not yet arrived.

In every moment we can choose to accept what is and work with it, to respond to it from a place of openness and authenticity, or we can close ourselves off and resist. And maybe in resisting we might desperately work to change things and feel better...until the next time we encounter something less than pleasant.

But what happens when we encounter things we can't change, feelings we can't seem to get rid of or people we can't control?

All of our energy and focus spent on resisting and fighting what 'is' is wasted effort. It's like swimming desperately upstream in a strong river. Not only are you still swept along but when you're swimming in the other direction you can't see what's in front of you and all of your strength to manoeuvre is being used up. And for what? What are we struggling against?

'Good' or 'bad' become mere words in the blazing light of the eternal present. Every moment is a complete gift, an amazing opportunity, we just need to develop eyes to see it as such. As the great Indian sage, Sri Ramana Maharshi, once remarked to a devotee, "You thank God for the good things that come to you but you don't thank Him for the things that seem to you bad; that is where you go wrong."

It's not about accepting some fatalistic future set in stone or being indifferently resigned to the way things are, it's about accepting the gift of this moment, however it's wrapped. The more we are able to fully embrace this gift, the more our resistance and internal contractions will release and the more clarity and wisdom we will discover in how to respond to life, how to consciously act and take responsibility for ourselves.

Two questions to ask ourselves, over and over again, offered by Raphael Cushnir, are:

1) "What is happening right now?"

This applies to the external circumstances of life but more importantly to the internal experience we're having, to try and see it from a more objective point of view. What are we experiencing?

Then we can move on to ask,

2) "Can I be with it?"

More than just consciously choosing to accept something this is about uncovering the part of ourselves that is always fully present and always accepting of everything we experience. It's about taking a position not simply affirming a belief. And when we can honestly and authentically say 'yes' to this question then we begin to make room for the possible, for engaging with our life in a creative and skillful way that isn't rooted in resistance and fear but in acceptance and, ultimately, love. As this happens we become more capable of fully embracing all that we are and can become.

"There is nothing unworthy of acceptance."

The Renaissance

2011-01-28T13:59:00.000-08:00

"I'm scared that I'm really not going to find what I'm looking for, that I'll continue this search for God but find Him nowhere. That's why I enjoy being in a comfortable place, because I'm always so scared that God is not going to be with me when I need Him. So at least I'll have something else when God ends up to not be there...to not care...

This is terribly tormenting and frightening...yet I know of nothing else to do. I cannot go back, so I can either choose to stay where I am (full of pain and sorrow) or move forward, hoping for a better life. I want to choose the latter, but I'm still afraid. I hope this fear can be beaten, for I fear for my soul...

Yet hope remains. There is a God and I will find out who He really is...to me." ~ Matthew Kent

That was written seven years ago.

I rarely dwell on the past, to be honest, but I suppose one would have to discount all the things in my repressed subconscious for that to be true. But I digress. I had quite a different voice back then and was quite a different person. Much more hopeless and hapless! I have much compassion for him and others like him, for his inner struggles and uncertainty, for his fear and despair that often seemed so confusing.

And yet, I was him.

Life seems so different now. It's hard to imagine how I might see things in another seven years! I've certainly found God and yet what I've found is much different than I had anticipated. I know a little bit more, sure, but in other ways I know much, much less than what I thought I knew. And yet somehow there is a fullness to that. I seem to know less and yet have more.

As this reality came up in a discussion last night, the image that unfolded was that of the Renaissance artist, Michelangelo, sculpting David. In one sense, as each chisel blow rendered more and more marble to the heap of rock on the ground, there was less. But each time the chisel struck, something new was revealed, bit by bit, until what remained was an incredible vision of infinitely greater significance and beauty than the stone block from whence it came.

It seems frightening to think that the 'truths' we hold onto might one day be chipped away to reveal something else, something deeper, and yet how else could it be? If it is Truth we are looking for we must be willing to carve away the ignorance of our 'already knowing'. The difference between us and Michelangelo is that we do not know what will be uncovered, only that something is hidden that desires to be revealed. And for this sculpture to continue on we must be willing to let go of what we see before us, to let the chisel fall where it may.

We do not carve this image alone but rather with the world around us. As we engage with life in vulnerability and authenticity, the rough edges become smoothed away and we become more excited to discover yet even more! To ever assume we know what will be revealed is the point where the mystery is extinguished, where creative passion is drowned in the waters of certainty.

And yet while this mystery cannot be fully known it can be experienced. That is the good news! And it is in this experience that the fire of creative passion is kindled and we find ourselves compelled to continue carving out a vision that our eyes have never seen but that our heart yearns to reveal.

Do we have the courage to open our hearts wide enough for this unending revelation to become manifest in the world? Do we have the courage to offer ourselves fully - body, mind, and soul - in utter vulnerability and humility to Life itself? Do we have the courage to embrace a vision greater than our minds could ever imagine?

If not, let us not be dismayed for courage can be discovered when we least expect it. It is always already there when we need It most.

May we not quench the fire of Spirit.

On being a 'mystic'...

2011-01-18T21:06:00.000-08:00

Oh my, I've gone through many stages of faith and development to get to where I am today. For a period of time in my past I even proudly associated myself with the more fundamentalist and literalistic views in my religious tradition of Christianity. As my perspective grew and expanded, I wasn't sure that I could still even relate to my old way of seeing my faith. Thankfully, that has not been the case.

My journey has not been about trading in an old, outdated belief system for a bright, shiny new one. Hardly. Although, to be fair, at one point I thought that was my only option! Far from being threatened by my old paradigm I can appreciate and respect it for what it was, and still is to many others, an important part of my developmental journey, one that could not be skipped.

And yet there is further to go! I have certainly not arrived , only further along on the path, which, again, I am thankful for. Our journeys are all very different and this is just where I am. While I do enjoy helping others take steps forward, I am well aware that we are all at where we are at and that is okay:)

I was reading an interview with Ken Wilber (perhaps my greatest philosophical mentor) from way back in the day, in which he talked about a mystic versus a mythic interpretation of religions. His perspective is likely more nuanced now but I think he paints a good picture of some general distinctions. I do not expect everyone to become a mystic or agree with his conclusions but it will certainly help you understand myself - and others like me - much better. At least, that is the hope. The whole thing's a bit long so I condensed the parts I thought were the most interesting. I'd love to hear what you think!

KW: Exoteric or "outer" religion is mythic religion, religion that is terribly concrete and literal, that really believes, for example, that Moses parted the Red Sea, that Christ was born from a virgin, that the world was created in six days, that manna once literally rained down from heaven, and so on. Exoteric religions the world over consist of those types of beliefs [He gives other examples from Hinduism and Taoism, too]. That's exoteric religion, a series of belief structures that attempt to explain the mysteries of the world in mythic terms rather than direct experiential or evidential terms.

EZ: So exoteric or outer religion is basically a matter of belief, not evidence.

KW: Yes. If you believe all the myths, you are saved; in not, you go to Hell - no discussion. Now you find that type of religion the world over - fundamentalism. I have no quarrel with that; it's just that that type of religion, exoteric religion, has little to do with mystical religion or esoteric religion or experiential religion, which is the type of religion or spirituality that I'm most interested in.

EZ: Esoteric means what?

KW: Inner or hidden. The reason that esoteric or mystical religion is hidden is not that it is a secret or anything, but that it is a matter of direct experience and personal awareness. Esoteric religion asks you to believe nothing on faith or obediently swallow any dogma. Rather, esoteric religion is a set of personal experiments that you conduct scientifically in the laboratory of your own awareness. Like all good science, it is based on direct experience, not mere belief or wish, and it is publicly checked or validated by a peer group of those who have also performed the experiment. The experiment is meditation [or other similar disciplines, like contemplative prayer].

EZ: But meditation is private.

KW: Not really. Not any more so than, say, mathematics...it doesn't mean it is only private knowledge that can't be publicly validated. Just so, meditative knowledge is internal knowledge, but knowledge that can be publicly validated by a community of trained meditators, those who know the internal logic of the contemplative experience. We don't let anybody vote on the truth of the Pythagorean theorem; we let trained mathematicians vote on that truth. Likewise, meditative spirituality makes certain claims to be checked experimentally and experientially by you and anybody else who cares to try the experiment. And after something like six thousand years of this experiment, we are perfectly justified in making certain conclusions, making certain spiritual theorems, as it were. And those spiritual theorems are the core of the perennial wisdom traditions.

EZ: But why is it called "hidden"?

KW: Because if you don't perform the experiment, then you don't know what's going on, you are not allowed to vote, just as if you don't learn mathematics you are not allowed to vote on the truth of the Pythagorean theorem. I mean, you can form opinions about it, but mysticism is not interested in opinions but in knowledge. Esoteric religion or mysticism is hidden to the mind that won't perform the experiment; that's all it means.

EZ: But religions vary so much from each other.

KW: Exoteric religions vary tremendously from each other; but esoteric religions the world over share many similarities. Mysticism or esotericism is, in the broad sense of the word, scientific, as we have seen, and just as you don't have German chemistry versus American chemistry, you don't have Hindu mystical science versus Muslim mystical science. Rather, they are in fundamental agreement as to the nature of the soul, the nature of Spirit, and the nature of their supreme identity, among many other things. This is what scholars mean by "the transcendental unity of the world's religions" – they mean esoteric religions. Of course, their surface structures vary tremendously, but their deep structures are often identical, reflecting the unanimity of the human spirit and its [experientially] disclosed laws.

EZ: This is very important, then: I take it that you do not believe that mythic religions carry any valid spiritual knowledge.

KW: You are free to interpret exoteric religious myths any way you like. You are free to interpret myths as being allegories or metaphors for transcendental truths. Free, for example, to interpret the virgin birth as meaning that Christ operated spontaneously from his true Self, capital S. I happen to believe that. The problem is, mythic believers do not believe that. They believe, as a test of their faith, that Mary really was a biological virgin when she got pregnant. Mythic believers do not interpret their myths allegorically, they interpret them literally and concretely.

EZ: But some followers of mythic religions do in fact interpret their myths allegorically or metaphorically.

KW: Yes, and they are the mystics. In other words, the mystics are the ones who give an esoteric or "hidden" meaning to the myths, and those meanings are discovered in the direct interior and contemplative experience of the soul, not in some outward belief system or symbol or myth. In other words, they aren't mythic believers at all, but contemplative phenomenologists, contemplative mystics, contemplative scientists... Moreover, they, the mystics, are the ones who agree that their religion is basically identical in essence to other mystical religions, that "they call Him many who is really One." Now you will not find a mythic believer, say a fundamentalist Protestant, saying that Buddhism is also a way to perfect salvation. Mythic believers maintain that they have the only way, because they base their religion on outward myths, which are everywhere different, so they don't realize the inner unity hidden in the outer symbols. The mystics do.

I could go on and on but I just wanted to offer a taste of my perspective by someone who can explain it a little bit better! I would, of course, be more than eager to have a good dialogue about all of this with anyone interested, even if we totally disagree:)

"Now when He was asked by the Pharisees when the kingdom of God would come, He answered them and said, “The kingdom of God does not come with observation; nor will they say, ‘See here!’ or ‘See there!’ For indeed, the kingdom of God is within you.” ~ Jesus, Luke 17: 20-21

There's gold in them thar' hills!

2011-01-15T19:49:00.000-08:00

For over the last year, since my time overseas (and even before that), I've been thinking about spiritual community. I had begun to get a sense that the traditional community of my church was no longer sufficient, by itself, to provide me with the kind of community that myself and others desire in order to explore and wrestle with some deeper spiritual questions that can't be boxed into any one particular tradition.

I yearn for a place where people of different backgrounds and understandings can join together in sharing their experience and respective wisdom, where a variety of spiritual practices can be explored, a safe place where 'dangerous' questions and unorthodox perspectives. Certainly, this is not a vision originating with myself but one that I somehow caught a glimpse of and, once having done so, have been swept up in.

I was as convinced then as I am now of the importance of establishing such communities of inter-spiritual dialogue and practice as a way forward where more and more people can come together in greater and greater freedom to engage with their spirituality - and others - in a meaningful and significant way that transcends our traditionally limited boundaries. And all for the sake of the common good:)

I have nothing against boundaries as a part of development, and I certainly don't think eradicating all boundaries and differences would prove to be helpful. But in order to move forward our boundaries need to be expanded. That might need to happen slowly and carefully, but it does need to happen for growth to happen.

In our psychological development we move from seeing ourselves as the center of importance, to seeing our family or tribe or nation as the center, up to (hopefully) seeing the whole human community as the center, and then even all sentient beings and maybe even the entire Kosmos itself. And so in our spiritual development, I believe our awareness also needs to expand and that goes for our understanding and expression of community, too.

Needless to say, I had an idea of what this might look like and yet had little idea as to how I might help to create and facilitate such a group. I had hoped I could find someone else who already had done most of the leg work. Sadly, not. And so I did very little about it, feeling powerless and inadequate and allowing those feelings to dictate my apathy. This also led to feeling quite discouraged and disillusioned because I had an inkling of what was possible but that was all. I definitely lacked the conviction. But then I went to this spiritual retreat in Colorado and experienced the potential of community in a way I never had before. I was then a 'believer'! It was there I became convinced of the amazing potential of community to not just help me grow or help each other grow but to actually create something new!

It's not just that community helps us grow more quickly as individuals, although it certainly can do that, but its sacredness is in the idea that there are potentials that exist in genuine and authentic community that do not even exist anywhere else! Maybe we can grow spiritually all by our lonesome but if we're interested in transforming the world around us then the involvement of others is simply not an option. And it would appear that at this point in human history, our ability to cooperate and build bridges between our differences in order to work together for the sake of the whole is an essential ingredient to this world's survival.

So...yay for community?

Well, not quite.

'Community' is a bit of a buzz word these days, especially within my demographic and, to be fair, for good reason. The one distinction to be made is that 'community' has been responsible for everything from lynch mobs to the Crusades, not just positive social transformation like the Civil Rights movement or India's fight for independence. Community has a lot of potential (just like individuals do) but it will forever remain as 'potential' until it is released and made manifest in reality. And that requires effort and intention. And the deeper the potential you're trying to reach, the more effort and intention are required.

Just as healthy individuals do not appear out of thin air, neither does healthy community. 'Showing up', physically, is not enough. In fact, 'showing up', psychologically and spiritually, isn't enough either. We need to be willing to learn, to grow in our knowledge of how to engage with one another because it really is not as obvious and clear how to reach these deeper potentials as we may sometimes want to believe. And I think people get disillusioned because their community isn't how they think it should be or because they feel they should be able to dig through eight feet of limestone with a teaspoon. We need to offer ourselves and one another a bit more grace than that. And we need a bigger spoon.

Beyond that, we need to be willing to dig! We need to be willing to work to expand the boundaries of our understanding and knowledge. We have to want it and we have to be willing to fail and make mistakes along the way. As one with perfectionistic tendencies, that's an important point for me to continue wrestling with. Significant failure isn't when I break my teaspoon but when I give up and walk away instead of looking for the pickaxe.

I am convinced that it's worth it, though I do - like many others - feel discouraged and disillusioned at times.

To end on an encouraging note, a few nights ago, amidst humble beginnings, two others took a step with me in exploring this vision. What happens in the future is irrelevant and it may not end up looking like how I've imagined it but a step was taken and it was an important step for us all, no matter what happens.

Grab yer' spoons, we're digging for gold!

Window Plastic...and an ocean of infinity

2011-01-10T20:31:00.000-08:00

There is absolutely nothing metaphorical about that title, well, except for the ocean part. I put some plastic on the windows in my room today and thought I would share that with the world. My life is both rich and compelling.

Rather than seeing this blog as my window (no, it's not a reference to the title) through which I can share my 'vast' amounts of 'wisdom' with the world, I'm beginning to see it as more of an opportunity. It's an opportunity to see what comes up. It's relatively easy to share some profound insights when I'm feeling inspired and yet there is still much to share when I don't seem to feel inspired at all. It is taking a looooong time to learn this one.

Sitting here, seemingly uninspired, I have an opportunity to sit and be present with what comes up in my own awareness. Maybe what arises will be profound or simple or exciting or mundane but it is what it is. And given that I'm not attempting to write a book here, one gets what one pays for. All kidding aside, it's an opportunity for growth not just for someone reading this but for ME! That might sound quite selfish but what I'm really pointing to is the reality that there is never any moment where we are not able to receive, where we are not able to learn and grow - if we are willing.

My friend, Darwin, has taught me much about this. We've known each other for a few years and it has been good getting to know him better as time goes on. Darwin's a really simple guy, in many ways. He doesn't have a computer or a car, he loves making awesome mix tapes (he recently showed me his new CD recorder so he can make sweet mix CDs instead!) and he's almost always smiling...and possibly holding a Coke in his hand.

He doesn't have a huge circle of friends so, at first, I felt like my spending time with him was more of a gift that I could offer to him, that I might be able to share some inspiring thoughts or stir up some deep philosophical questions or some such nonsense. I thought that since I was further ahead on my journey, in some ways, that it was I who had so much to offer and yet I would often feel anxiety because I didn't know how to offer any of it! I felt disappointed that I didn't know how to be what I thought of as a better friend.

Gradually, I've come to recognize my own arrogance and narcissism in all of this. I believed that since I was further along, in a 'better' place, that in order to relate I had to bring myself down to his level or help him up to my level, that somehow that was the only way we could really connect in a meaningful way. Ah, so naive...

One of most beautiful aspects of the life of Jesus, for me, was his relationality, his willingness and ability to meet anyone and everyone wherever they were at, whether they were a priest or a tax collector, an adulterer or someone with mental illness. I believe he connected with people so deeply partly because of where he was at and his unwillingness to move from that place, to compromise, but also because he didn't demand they move from where they were for that connection to happen. He offered another way, the way of Presence.

Jesus was fully present to those around him and those who were willing to embrace that presence, such as his disciples, discovered the incredible profoundness of his life - of Life itself. Why was this so? Because it was deep calling to deep. The infinite Divine that was lived through Jesus was calling to that same Spirit in those around him. And this same Spirit inhabits the eternal 'now' of this very moment and when we become interested in being fully present then we do as Jesus did and we radiate God into the world through us, through our lives. And when we encounter others willing to do this same thing, amazing things can happen. That's the stuff of miracles.

Once I finally stopped struggling to be a certain way around my friend, Darwin, I became more free to simply 'be'. And I discovered that there was not only freedom in this but also a quiet joy that is shared because of his own willingness to be present. In fact, it has largely been through his presence that I felt safe enough to drop my ego's expectations and join with him in savouring this moment. I now more deeply enjoy our times together and look forward to them. While they lack some of the depth and intensity that I enjoy sharing in some of my other relationships, that is just fine, I am learning.

God dwells in the present, if we're wondering where to look. And while it is true that we are all at different places in our own development, true presence is the great common denominator that bridges all differences because in the present we encounter the infinite. And when we're truly present, it doesn't matter how profound or simple or exciting or mundane our experience is because, like swimming in the ocean, it doesn't matter how deep or shallow we are, we're still gonna be wet!

May we all swim in the vast ocean of the infinite Mystery.

Reality Bites

2011-01-05T21:12:00.000-08:00

No, I'm not referring to the 90s romantic comedy featuring Ben Stiller, Winona Ryder and Ethen Hawke, which Rolling Stone Magazine described as "pure entertainment" - and which I have in front of me in VHS format (for some strange reason).

It's not that reality is lousy, that it 'bites' in that sense, but that it's unsafe, that it 'bites'. You know, like a dog. Make sense?

Reality is unsafe , it's out of our control. But this lack of safety isn't necessarily a bad thing. As C.S. Lewis explained of the lion, Aslan, when his safe-ness was questioned by one of the children in his stories, "'Safe?' said Mr. Beaver. 'Who said anything about safe? Course he isn't safe. But he's good. He's the King, I tell you.'" Life doesn't have to be safe in order to be good and 'safety' loses its value and relevance when fear falls to the wayside.

Reality is all there is and yet we so often continue to dwell in our fantasies rather than pay attention to the present moment of Now, of which there is no other. Dwelling in fantasy doesn't need to imply anything specific. Any moment we spend focused on the past or future, however 'realistic' our perspective might be, is essentially living in a fantasy world. It's not wrong to remember the past and plan for the future but it becomes a problem when they take precedence over our lives right now.

How easy it is for me, for us all, to tune out the reality of this eternal moment, whatever it looks and feels like at any given time, in favour of focusing our attention elsewhere when it seems to suit our desires. This seems to be one of the great common denominators of our human condition: we run from discomfort. Whether we turn to sex or alcohol or coffee or television or a partner or friend or the Sunday jumble in the newspaper, avoiding the uncomfortable parts of reality - as we experience it - is to take a step away from truly embracing life, of really living.

Have you seen the movie, "Click", with Adam Sandler? It's about a guy who gets this remote control that allows him to fiddle around with time and skip parts of life, etc. Well, I haven't seen it either but I'm guessing that the moral of the story ends up being that we only really appreciate and enjoy life when we are willing to embrace the pain and discomfort it sometimes offers us. That may not have been the point at all but it doesn't really matter after having gone this far. Just work with me.

Even though reality is all there ever is, it's not easy to face that, to WANT to face that. Why not? Because it's a lot easier focusing our attention on what makes us feel better, even if it doesn't reflect reality. The choice to truly face life fully means we face ALL of life, the good, the bad, and the ugly. That's huge! Is that what we really want? Because my wanting it as a nice ideal is no substitute for my willingness to embrace the pain and discomfort that will inevitably come my way, time and again. And if I've grown accustomed to my fantasies, which I sometimes do, then the 'bite' of reality will certainly not seem very appealing at all.

I think we need to get adjusted to reality. It's like going from seeing black and white to seeing colour. It might seem obvious that colour is more vibrant, more alive, more 'real', but if all we've seen is black and white then that 'real'ness can just seem too intense. Maybe we need to go to gray scale first? I guess we're all at a different place, in terms of our willingness to embrace reality but once again we must ask, is that what we really desire?

Honestly, a lot of the time I am overcome with feelings of fear and anxiety in the face of the really Real. It just feels like it's too much, kind of like the glory of God, that if I completely embraced all of reality, things would never be the same and part of me is terrified of that, of the unknown of it all, like taking a step forward that can never be undone. I hope that one day my desire to take that step will overcome my fear. I hope that for us all.

Nothing to fear...but fear itself

2011-01-01T17:57:00.000-08:00

It's so much easier to do the 'right' thing when I feel like doing the 'right' thing. So much more difficult, internally, when I don't feel that way. I used to believe that I was more powerless, that I simply don't have the ability to go against what my internal emotions are telling me, that positive change happens when I can feel good about doing good.

At first glance, that's true. At second glance, it's partial, at best.

As I've mentioned before, numerous times, it's about what we really want most. What is that? Do we want to do what's right and to love others? If so, why don't we choose that all of the time? What is in our way? Or is it that we want to feel at peace? To feel free? To feel loved? None of those are bad feelings but if they are our guiding light then we 'll likely be led astray. Why? Because our subjective internal world of emotions is quite self-centered, and understandably so.

The reality is that doing the 'right' thing doesn't always elicit feelings of euphoria and emotional satisfaction. Sometimes doing what we know in our heart (our deeper Self) to be true doesn't 'feel' good at all! Sometimes it's incredibly uncomfortable and emotionally painful. The Christian narrative of the crucifixion paints a pretty clear picture of this.

Sometimes living out of our highest intentions of love are the most painful moments of our lives.

The fact that we often dismiss our higher ideals in favour of comfort - both internal and external - doesn't mean that those ideals disappear. They're still a part of us, we're just not expressing them very well. I would suggest that the reason that the Bible offers the encouragement to "not be afraid" so many times is that it is our very fear itself that is holding us back from expressing this deeper part of who we are that is always only interested in Love.

It seems that the opposite of love is not hate but rather fear. Love could be described as a complete and vulnerable giving of oneself while fear is holding back, pulling away, disengaging. Love embraces all of life while fear shuns what is painful. Love faces everything and avoids nothing while fear seeks to avoid everything uncomfortable and face only that which seems manageable. Love frees us from our self-centered isolation to give ourselves to God and to others while fear traps us in our small, personal world of "me", where the rest of the world seems very threatening.

Fear is powerful but it is only as powerful as we make it, for it only exists inside of us. All that we truly fear is within, whether we are consciously aware of that or not. Of course, it may seem as though what we fear is outside of ourselves but that is one of the great illusions. How could it possibly be so? Do we really fear a loved one leaving us or do we fear the pain of grief and loss? Do we fear the judgment of others or do we fear the pain of feeling they are right?

Fear begins and ends within us. We can either make it our master or our subject, the choice is ours. However, fear would have us believe that there is no choice at all, that we are slaves to our fear.

That. Is. A. Lie.

We are slaves only as long as we continue to bind ourselves. We can be free from fear if we truly want to be, if we are courageous enough to uncover that desire within each of us. We can be rid of its tyranny in an instant but this reality is not easy to bear. It means there are no more excuses. None. It means taking complete and utter responsibility for our choices, which is far more than my ego ever desires to take.

What if you were afraid of nothing? What if you were completely free? What would you do? What would life look like?

Freedom is the easy part. The hard part is letting go of our fear. But when our desire to be free surpasses our fear, real change can happen.

"Do I truly want to be free?"

This is the question I must continue to ask myself, again and again and again, no matter what the answer might be. I continue to ask in order to create space for the part of myself that very much does want to be free. And in that space, transformation is possible for us all.

Inspiration

2010-12-07T15:40:00.000-08:00

I read this today and it is speaking to exactly where I am at. So I figured I'd share it. If it makes you feel better, you can pretend that I wrote it so you can feel like you know someone really intelligent and profound...

What does it mean to feel inspired?

I think the experience of inspiration is the experience of directly knowing that MORE is possible. In the context of spiritual inspiration it means knowing that enlightenment or freedom is possible. We go to a retreat, or take a course, or talk to our spiritual friends and on that retreat, in that course, and with those friends we feel inspired. And then life happens – we have deadlines at work, our children need attention, our house needs repairs and our experience of inspiration fades out of view. The next time we do a retreat, take the right course, or talk to our spiritual friends we reconnect with the possibility of MORE and we feel inspired again. Maybe it has been days, weeks or months since the last time we felt spiritually inspired and we become convinced that we have to find a way to not lose that connection again.

This is fine as far as it goes, but if we are interested in being free we even have to be free of the habit of needing to feel inspired. We have to face the fact that we aren’t going to feel spiritually inspired all the time and that doesn’t mean that the extraordinary possibility that inspired us in the first place is any less possible! In our moments of highest inspiration we realize that real spiritual liberation is always possible. That is what inspires us. It is important to remember that spiritual liberation didn’t become possible only when you recognized that it was possible, it was possible before you recognized it and it continues to be possible even if your attention goes elsewhere.

To me this is what is so liberating about our spiritual episodes. They reveal to us a possibility that is ALWAYS there even when we don’t feel inspired. Sometimes you feel inspired, sometimes you don’t. Freedom is being more concerned about the possibility that inspires you than you are about feeling inspired.
~ Jeff Carreira

If we need to feel positive and inspired in order to act positively then we are not free. Freedom comes when we become less interested in how we feel and more interested in the choices we make. The path of spiritual transformation is one in which we learn to let go of that which we hold onto so tightly.

The hard part is being willing to let go.

Times they are a changin'

2010-11-18T18:34:00.000-08:00

"Change is one of the most difficult human dilemmas. We all are drawn to stability and security, and we all struggle with transition. Change represents a threat to our world, a break from the comfort of routine, and we are in many ways biologically wired to resist it. And yet change, when brought about with intelligence and wisdom, is precisely what our planet needs: in business, in education and the arts, in the religions, in science, in politics, in economics, in our relationship with the earth." ~ Wayne Teasedale, A Monk in the World: Cultivating a Spiritual Life

A lot of the time it seems really hard to WANT change. We want things to be good, to be better, but we seldom really want change. Change is seen as a necessary evil, a means to an end. I know I often see it that way. We want things to change for the better...and then to stay the same! Change is an undeniable reality of this life and if we can learn to be at home in the midst of that then we're really getting somewhere.

Embracing change seems to be about discovering and experiencing the place where the infiniteness of this moment touches the unending march of time. I heard it described as a great symphony. For there to be music, change must not only be present but must be embraced. The path from dissonance to resolution is impossible if not for change and there is a profound freedom that is found when one can rest in beauty of the moment, knowing full well that whatever is happening in the music will soon pass away. And though our emotions may be called up from the depths of our being as they resonate with a particular melody, we know also that those feelings will not last. We can see them as they are, as a point of connection between our soul and our body, and allow them to just be.

Life is little different, me thinks. Most of life seems to happen to us and we react. But as we learn to be at home with change, to really find the Presence in the present and not in any particular circumstance or experience, we become more and more free to choose how we respond and not allow ourselves to be controlled by the thoughts and feelings that any chord might stir up in us.

And then we become free to truly participate in life, in affecting positive change in a way that moves the symphony forward towards greater and greater beauty and wonder. We become composers in our own right, to shape not just our own piece of music but to contribute to the score that animates the entire Kosmos.

"What is most important to me?" or "The Necessity of Ruthless Honesty"

2010-10-04T22:10:00.001-07:00

It's so easy to deceive ourselves, especially when we seem to be moving forward in some way. But do we want to become better people or do we really want transformation? Honestly, I often just want to be free of fear and unhappiness, to find pleasure and comfort in life. What's wrong with that, right? Well, maybe nothing...but maybe everything.

It's not that those aspirations are 'wrong' but they will never lead me to transformation, to really becoming a vessel for God in this world in a significant way. Of course, the deepest part of who I am desperately wants to come to the surface and that means transformation, irreversible change. The question of what is most important forces us to confront the truth of where we are living from. The ego can do a fantastic job of pretending to be righteous and spiritual and loving but it is not our Authentic Self, that deepest dimension of who we always already are. It is not God. Without serious and deliberate self-inquiry, our ego can put on a good show that will fool not only the world around us but our own minds.

"What is most important to me?"

It's not a question that's answered once and for all but rather one that demands to be continually heard. Facing this question means that the 'jig is up', so to speak, that we can no longer hide behind shallow intentions and casual interest in manifesting Spirit in this world, bringing heaven to earth. Transformation is a never-ending process because creation is a never ending process, so there is no point where the work is ever completely done, which means there is no point where this question loses its potency and relevance.

The universe is asking us this question in every moment and we always respond, whether we want to or not. We answer by our lives, by where we put our attention and how we spend our time, by how we treat ourselves and others. There is no hiding from this Kosmic query. Good intentions are not enough. We can have good intentions all our life but never see them fulfilled unless they become our dominating motivations, unless they really do become most important. For most of us who want to become expressions of Love in this world, it's not really the most important thing. That doesn't mean we don't desire that only that the part of us that desires to be an expression of Love isn't the dominant part. That is what we need to be honest about if we really want to move forward.

If our foundation is not firm, what can we possibly build on top of it? This foundation has little to do with our theological beliefs and more to do with our motivation and intention. If we're unwilling to face ourselves where we actually are at in our development then I don't think we'll ever be able to support any kind of genuine transformation. A lack of awareness to this apparent truth seems to be one of the most significant obstacles for those of us actively engaging with the spiritual path.

The beautiful part of all of this is that it's terribly simple to ask the question, "What is most important to me?", even though the answer might be terribly frightening. So, as in many things, our spiritual curiosity and interest in facing this question needs to become greater than our fear. For many of us, that interest isn't there. But at least if we're confronted with the question then we can maybe become aware of our lack of interest! And, honestly, that can be a step forward.

Seriously, let's just be honest. If you're not convinced in Spirit as ultimately real and primary, that's fine. Just be honest about it. If you are convinced but you're apathetic, that's fine. Just be honest about it. If you're seriously exploring transformation but it's not the most important thing in the world to you, that's fine. Just be honest about it. If you seriously believe the movie "Titanic" is the greatest piece of film-making in history, please invest in seeing a therapist. That is not okay.

Are you picking up a theme here?

I do not want to be a vessel for Spirit in this world more than anything else. I do not want to be transformed more than anything else. I often allow fear and my thoughts and emotions to control my life. But I am willing to take some kind of step forward from where I am.

Let's all do that. We can sort out the details together as we go. But for the love of God - and one another - can we please be honest with ourselves, at the very least?

Back to Basics

2010-10-04T20:56:00.000-07:00

It's seldom that I feel I have more to say than I am able to write or share but sometimes I do. I've been having so many creative and encouraging conversations with many different people, listening to really thought-provoking online dialogues, contemplating a lot of ideas from a couple different books and generally paying more attention to my life and how I am living it. That's good. It's not always easy or painless but it's good.

This past August, I attended a three week retreat in Colorado with spiritual teacher Andrew Cohen, focused around his teachings of Evolutionary Enlightenment. It was a profound catalyst in my own spiritual journey and I would like to reflect some more on it to help others better understand more of where I'm coming from with my thoughts.

Although Cohen's teachings offer some unique insights, the essence of his message can be affirmed regardless of one's tradition or creed or theology, or lack thereof. I think I've shied away from talking about it specifically because I was hesitant to focus on any one particular perspective but I think it's worth exploring more deeply in this space because it has really helped me to see the spiritual journey, myself, and God in a much more powerful yet graceful way - demanding but not exclusive.

The most foundational and fundamental element of the spiritual life, from this perspective, is in how we answer the question: what is most important to me?

"...when we are looking into our own motives all that matters is that we really discover what is motivating us – NOT that we find the “right” motive. That might sound strange, but after 18 years of work on this path I can tell you without hesitation that it is true. The only way to either change or strengthen your motivation is by being clear about what your motivation ACTUALLY is. If you think you want one thing when you actually want something else there is no way to develop. As Andrew Cohen has said for years, 'You can only move from where you are.' " - Jeff Carreira, director of education for EnlightenNext

And so it begins.

The Choices We Make

2010-09-26T15:52:00.000-07:00

We all make choices. Sometimes we choose love and sometimes we choose 'not-love'. Sometimes we manifest God's conscious presence in this world and sometimes we do not.

It's not a question about every single choice that we make in our lives but the question of where those choices are born. Are they born out of Spirit or out of our small ego? The world would be a much better place if we all lived out of our ego, our psychological identity, but were conditioned in more positive ways. If our cultural values supported and encouraged generosity, compassion, respect, etc., then even if we were all just living out of our ego the world would just function better. Less suffering, to some extent.

But that's not enough.

It's certainly true that positive cultural changes - such as greater support and affirmation of gender and racial equality - have occurred throughout history without everyone being really 'enlightened' or spiritually transformed. Nevertheless, these kinds of positive changes seem to be ignited by individuals who have gone a step further in their own development and have become more conscious of the choices they, and those around them, are making. Not only that, they've decided that they want their choices, and the culture around them, to reflect higher ideals that aren't yet a reality in the world.

I think that's pretty cool.

Most of us, most of the time, are not very aware of the decisions we make. We are obviously cognitively aware of them but seldom at a much deeper level, the place where our choices are conceived. Learning to become aware of this place and to dwell there is a significant part of spiritual growth and transformation. Buddhists would call it 'mindfulness'. That seems like as good a term as any. It means going deep enough that we become aware of our 'primary' choice - the choice to manifest infinite Spirit or limited ego. The rest of our existence pours out of that.

It means, in any given moment, we are either a vessel of God or a vessel of our individual and cultural conditioning. Our lives are made up of a swirling sea of gray as we navigate this fundamental choice in every moment of our existence, whether consciously or not.

Who we are in this world is an expression of that fundamental choice and yet, ultimately, our deepest Self is the Self of God. This Self wants to be expressed in the world consciously through us. What a huge gift and responsibility! God isn't interested in a world full of nicer, happier people who all get along, God is interested in being born into this world in a unique way through each of us, who just happen to be (seemingly) the only branch of this tree of life that has the ability to be aware of this desire and the ability to manifest it. Of course, God living consciously through us would be a far 'nicer' and 'happier' world, though those may not be the greatest adjectives to use...

The end of famine and war and disease and suffering would not, by itself, be heaven. Heaven on earth means God incarnate in us all. It means God's creative Spirit being expressed through our willful choices - and that only happens when we are committed to becoming aware of our own deepest dimension of who we all already are, the place where Spirit lives. To become aware in this way goes beyond our rational mind. In fact, it means being aware even of our rational mind itself and recognizing that who we are goes deeper than all of our thoughts and feelings.

Most of the time we're just not aware enough to choose well. That's why spiritual practice is so very important because it creates the space to enter into this awareness more and more, if that is our intention. We can meditate or pray or chant or dance - whatever - until the end of time and it won't be truly transformational unless we intend it to be, unless we really want to create that kind of space for awareness to blossom. But if that's what we want then that's what we'll get, however long it takes.

Through this awareness, when all is said and done, this means we become able to take complete responsibility for our actions. That's a frightening thought to the ego, who wants to blame everyone and everything else for its failures. It means we can no longer hide behind any excuses, whether that be traumatic experiences or social and cultural pressures, because we realize and accept that we have the choice to 'be' something other than an expression of all that conditioning.

That's pretty huge. It's immense.

It's more responsibility than I ever feel like taking and yet if I truly believe that the reason I'm alive is to be a manifestation of Spirit-in-action then I must, without question, accept responsibility for every choice that I make.

The beautiful thing is that the more we own our choices the easier it becomes to do so and the more space that is created for our own awareness to grow. And the more that awareness grows, the more we become able to consciously choose Spirit. And it is only when we choose Spirit that our soul finds life and begins to unashamedly pour love into this world.

That is how the world is transformed.

That is heaven coming to earth.

The Velveteen Rabbit

2010-09-17T14:10:00.000-07:00

"What is REAL?" asked the Rabbit one day, when they were lying side by side near the nursery fender, before Nana came to tidy the room. "Does it mean having things that buzz inside you and a stick-out handle?"

"Real isn't how you are made," said the Horse. "It's a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real."

"Does it happen all at once, like being wound up," he asked, "or bit by bit?"

"It doesn't happen all at once," said the Horse. "You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand."

"I suppose you are real?" said the Rabbit. And then he wished he had not said it, for he thought the Horse might be sensitive. But the Horse only smiled.

"The Boy's Uncle made me Real," he said. "That was a great many years ago; but once you are Real you can't become unreal again. It lasts for always."

The Rabbit sighed. He thought it would be a long time before this magic called Real happened to him. He longed to become Real, to know what it felt like; and yet the idea of growing shabby and losing his eyes and whiskers was rather sad. He wished that he could become it without these uncomfortable things happening to him.

"Does it hurt?" asked the Rabbit.

"Sometimes," said the Horse, for he was always truthful, "but when you are Real you don't mind that it hurts."

~ Margery Williams

"Come on, get serious..."

2010-09-14T08:31:00.000-07:00

I think the starting line of the spiritual path to this kind of surrender is the clear intention to actually transcend our ego's dominance. How we get to that point doesn't seem to be so important, we do whatever we need to do. BUT once we get to the starting line and our intention is to walk this path, being met where we're at isn't good enough. We need to be challenged and confronted in seriously demanding ways.

We need to be continually reminded - so that we might continually recognize for ourselves - of the paradox that where we are at is perfectly fine...but it is not a place we can stay. If we're really serious about growth and development and, ultimately, transformation, then moving forward, both individually and collectively, is the most important thing we could ever do and we need to be held accountable for this movement...or the lack of it.

Jesus wasn't kidding when he said that the path that leads to life is a narrow one, and that few will find it. The path itself is demanding enough let alone the fact that most of us never make it to the starting line. And while the ego has no desire for us to be truly transformed, this transformation is what our deepest longing is all about. The more I really engage with these ideas the more I discover that if we want to move forward we must abandon all of our cynicism and casualness. This doesn't suck the enjoyment out of life. On the contrary, it is only in manifesting Spirit that we will ever discover true joy and it is only through our conscious and deliberate intention to surrender ourselves to God that this will happen.

Let's just be honest: is that what we really want?

Ground of Being

2010-07-12T19:29:00.000-07:00

Regardless of how you interpret the source of the continual conversations going on inside your mind, the essential element to recognize is that even if you don't know for sure where your thoughts are coming from, what you do know is that they are not who you are. Whether they are expressions of your true Being or an external God or some chemical reactions caused by too many potato chips and Dr. Peppers, they are only expressions of something and not the source itself. They are not you. Even if you believe your thoughts are sometimes from God, I doubt you would believe that those thoughts are God. The words coming from my mouth are not me, only an expression of something. The words in my head are no different.

What makes you who you really are is not your thoughts. It's not even your actions or words or feelings or past or DNA. Who you are goes much deeper than that. Yes, the thoughts we focus on greatly affect our lives and the lives of those around us but those thoughts, in and of themselves, are not us. You are not really what you eat and you are certainly not what you think.

So who are we? If who we are, in the deepest sense, has any connection to the physical or mental parts of our being then we're sort of like dust in the wind. What I mean is that if those things are connected to our ultimate identity then any time there is a change, who we are dies and someone new is born. On one level that's true, that the manifest parts of our being are in a continual dance of death and rebirth, a constant state of flux. But on a deeper level our being is timeless and unchanging. Our awareness of that solid ground under the turbulent waters may change but the ground is always still there.

The amazing thing one discovers when examining this more closely is that the ground of my own being is the Ground of All Being. It's not that we're all the same and our separateness and individuality is an illusion, it's that our separateness and individuality are only one aspect of our existence and it's only an illusion in thinking that one aspect is the only one. We are also unified. It's just that we are connected on a deeper level, it's that on the deepest level we are the SAME! That's amazing to me! That 'part' of me that is timeless and unchanging is actually all-encompassing and is a 'part' of every other facet of existence, to the largest star cluster to the smallest sub-atomic particle and everything in between.

Cool, eh?

"But wait a minute," you say, "what makes us special as humans?" What makes us special or unique is our ability to become conscious of this reality, to become aware of our timeless and unchanging essence and allow it to express itself more fully through our limited and finite humanity. Not that the rest of the universe is less valuable but we're the first bit of creation that has been able to see and understand our true nature and begin to consciously participate in this process of development. The greater our awareness of our identity the less we need to act out of habitual patterns and negative reactions and the more we are able to act creatively in expressing love and compassion to the rest of the world around us. Why? Because that is what our Being wants.

Again, call it whatever you like. Call it God, call it your Authentic or True Self, call it Yahweh or Allah or Shiva, call it Being or Spirit or Consciousness, it doesn't really matter. In Christianity, my faith tradition, even though few would say that we are one with God, the entire religion is built around the belief in one person who did express that unity completely. Not only that, it seems that the thrust of the Christian message involves being joined with Christ, in his life, death, and resurrection.

So even if the idea of your essence being the essence of God seems way too far out there, maybe you can be okay with the idea that the focus of the spiritual journey is not simply to be on listening to God but becoming unified with God or having your spirit united with God's Spirit. However you need to look at it for it to make sense, the point remains the same: the ultimate goal isn't to hear and discern God's voice more clearly, which maintains separation, but to eventually transcend beyond listening to words and thoughts to a place of 'listening to silence', which is really another way of saying 'being'.

Who you are is deeper than your self-image and all of your preconceived ideas of who you are and it's only when you recognize this and begin to make the effort to seek out your 'silent center' that you begin to discover more and more of who you really are and who you are working - perhaps unconsciously - at becoming. And it is only when you stop trying to follow the legion of competing voices and start following your God-connection that you will experience true freedom. As long as you believe you have to choose a voice to follow you are not free to simply be your Self.

Take a few minutes to just sit and listen to your thoughts and feelings without trying to discern which ones are good or bad, to simply be aware of them, to be aware that you are not them. Listen to the silence that is your very center. There's no fear or anger there, only peace.

"When it is free, the mind settles down. It gives up its restlessness and becomes a channel for peace...The mind is 'wild' because we try to control it. At a deeper level lies complete orderliness. Here, thoughts and impulses flow in harmony with what is right and best for each person...in a state of simple awareness, the most evolutionary choices seem to come spontaneously. While the ego agonizes over every detail of a situation, a deeper part of your awareness knows what to do already, and its choices emerge with amazing finesse and perfect timing." ~ Deepak Chopra, The Book of Secrets

Voices

2010-07-06T14:58:00.000-07:00

We often associate people who "hear voices" as having some kind of mental illness. To some extent, this may be true. But if that were the only criteria I would have to say that most of us would be considered mentally ill.

All sorts of theological and psychological theories have been offered to explain these almost audible words that we find jumbling around in our heads. It wouldn't be a problem to say that the words we're hearing are thoughts we create in our minds but that raises a lot of questions.

How does one explain the fact that we have competing voices in our heads pointing us in different directions? When I have a desire to help others and think of doing something kind, I often have fear present as well, with thoughts attempting to dissuade me from taking a risk and possibly being vulnerable. I'm quite sure that we all have similar experiences. Why would we create that for ourselves? If it is truly us that creates these words then it seems we are quite fractured and fragmented beings. So is the goal to have only one dominant voice that we hear? If so, how do we know which voice is the one we should listen to?

Perhaps the answer is that we aren't the creators of these voices. But if not us, then who? A more spiritual take on it would be to suggest that we're in the middle of a battle between good and evil and so we must choose sides. The good side is, of course, represented by God while the evil side is represented, in the red corner, by the Devil. I will be honest in saying that I once subscribed to this belief, or a variation on it, for quite some time, although it never made an abundance of sense to me whenever I attempted to examine it critically.

It troubled me to no end, the idea that somehow Satan - who presumably didn't have the voice of some 'Super' Satan in his head - was motivated to rebel against God of his own volition, whereas we humans are only able to choose between which side we're going to follow. But if you allow the possibility that we don't need the Devil in our heads to choose evil, that our evil thoughts and desires come from deep within us as part of who we are, are we evil people in our core? Or does it mean that that which is positive also comes from deep within? And if this is the case, we've just gotten rid of the significance of any supernatural beings and we're back where we started - deeply fractured and fragmented people.

That's not all. The thing that disturbed me the most about the idea that we need to listen to the 'good' voice of God over the 'bad' voice of the Devil is that it leaves little to no room for our OWN voice!

Nevertheless, before tossing aside this script calling for influential cosmic forces, I shall choose, instead, to recast it. Consider the above explanation but instead of 'God' being a separate divine being, 'God' becomes our essential Being - who we truly are, in our essence - and so the voice of 'God' can now be seen as the impulse of our Authentic Self to become more manifest in the world. In short, it's the voice of our beating heart that animates us.

What about the other voices we hear, the not-so-good ones? Where do they come from? They come from this process of moving from simply Being to Becoming. They represent the gracious and patient process of our growth and development - as individuals, as humanity, as the universe - in becoming tangible expressions of our intangible perfection. Having a mind that allows us to perceive our true nature was only possible by developing a mind that is able to create thoughts, seemingly on its own at times, and these 'bad' voices - though they originate from various experiences - are the product of our relative immaturity. And as our immature ideas begin to die and give way to new ideas, our lives are transformed. Sometimes this is a very slow process for us as individuals and there's no guarantee as to how far we will be when our lives come to an end. But the purpose of creation is much bigger than us as individuals and our continually expanding yet limited understandings.

In a very real sense, all voices - 'good' and 'bad' - are birthed from God/Being/Consciousness because It encompasses everything that is.

But where does that leave us?

What do we do with all the voices???

A New Vision

2010-06-29T16:55:00.000-07:00

The process of growth is long, often arduous and seemingly never ending. This can become discouraging at times unless one is willing to accept that growth and change are essential parts of life. In fact, I would say that the reason that we're all here has a lot to do with growth and transformation on all kinds of scales, from the smallest to the largest, from the individual to the cosmic. Somehow, with that perspective in mind, it seems like a worthwhile endeavor to be an active participant in this whole process.

I find myself wanting to express so many things but it becomes very challenging when I think of the possible implications and complications of some of the things I feel would be valuable to share with others regarding my own spiritual journey. I really only have a few options: 1) I can share nothing; 2) I can share what I feel passionate about; or 3) I can share something that I find less meaningful but also less divisive. And while I don't enjoy generating conflict for the sake of conflict I have developed a much greater appreciation for friction and criticism, when enrobed with compassion and an honest and authentic desire to pursue truth.

The journey that I have undergone, especially within this last year of my life, has been one of compassion and grace mixed with frustration and fear. And now here I am. Every step I've taken has been a slow and graceful progression towards a vision of reality that I could not have imagined.

My insights are not unique, only my understanding and relationship to them. I want to offer encouragement and support to those who may feel afraid to engage with their own questions, afraid that they are alone in their wandering search. I assure you, you are not. I want to offer some kind of refuge, maybe because that's what I am searching for, too.

For a long time my faith never made sense to me, the God I believed in came to be a God I did not understand or wish to devote myself to. But it wasn't a problem with God, only my perception and understanding of who God is. Or is not.

My faith and spiritual journey remains centered in God but it has turned out to be a much different God than the one I thought existed. In the past, I felt like the only alternative to my understanding of God within the Christian tradition was to believe that there was no God at all. Ha, ha, silly me. Well, it made sense at the time.

One of the most freeing things I have discovered is that even within my own tradition of Christianity there have been those, throughout the centuries, who have believed in a God far different from the God envisioned by the popular majority. Mystics within all of the great monotheistic faiths - Christianity, Judaism, and Islam - have offered glimpses of a God who is not a distant and separate being but who is the essence of all that is - the Ground of all Being. This is the God I now believe in.

And I know that I am not alone.

Speaking Out

2010-04-10T19:29:00.000-07:00

I often ask myself what of value that I have to share with the world through the medium of writing. "Self," I say, "what is it that I have to offer the world?" A unique perspective, perhaps? But even then, it's only unique in the fact that the truths that I see in the world are interpreted by me in a unique way, rather than my having deep insights that are inaccessible to anyone else.

Having said that, I used to think that there was "nothing new under the sun" and that anything I might have to see is only reiterating what has already been revealed. I'm no longer sure that's the case. I'm not implying that anything I write is going to be ground-breaking or cutting-edge, only that the world is neither cyclical nor static but constantly moving forward, progressing - and this inevitably means that new truths are exposed. I'm not just talking about old truths expressed in new ways but genuinely new discoveries about Life. These new discoveries always reflect the Truth that has always existed from the beginning of time and yet our experience and understanding of this Truth is slowly being revealed as time passes.

The point is not that I have something significant to say that makes me 'special' but that I've seen and experienced things that others have not and if we would all be more willing to freely share these things with each other I believe that a lot more growth would be happening within us all. I think it becomes all the more important when we encounter realizations that are profound and life-altering. I'm not an advocate of door-to-door evangelism or attempts at 'converting the heathen' but rather a simple willingness to share our understanding of Truth with boldness, clarity, and wrapped in humility.

Are we willing to allow our beating heart to be exposed to the world around us and begin to resonate with the pulse of Life, Love, and Truth that animates all of creation?

"Those who are allowed to see are simultaneously burdened with the obligation to communicate that vision in no uncertain terms: that is the bargain. You were allowed to see the truth under the agreement that you would communicate it to others...And therefore, if you have seen, you must simply speak out. Speak out with compassion, or speak out with angry wisdom, or speak out with skillful means, but speak out you must. And this is truly a terrible burden, a horrible burden, because in any case there is no room for timidity. The fact that you might be wrong is simply no excuse: You might be right in your communication, and you might be wrong, but that doesn't matter. What does matter, as Kierkegaard so rudely reminded us, is that only by investing and speaking your vision with passion, can truth, one way or another, finally penetrate the reluctance of the world. If you are right, or if you are wrong, it is only your passion that will force either to be discovered. It is your duty to promote that discovery - either way - and therefore it is your duty to speak your truth with whatever passion and courage you can find in your heart. You must shout, in whatever way you can."

~ Ken Wilber, article "A spirituality that transforms"

"But if I say I’ll never mention the Lord
or speak in his name,
his word burns in my heart like a fire.
It’s like a fire in my bones!
I am worn out trying to hold it in!
I can’t do it!" ~ Jeremiah 20:9

Those who have ears to hear, let them hear

2010-03-29T19:30:00.000-07:00

"To follow the path of wisdom has never been more urgent or more difficult. Our society is dedicated almost entirely to the celebration of ego, with all its sad fantasies about success and power, and it celebrates those very forces of greed and ignorance that are destroying the planet. It has never been more difficult to hear the unflattering voice of the truth, and never more difficult, once having heard it, to follow it: because there is nothing in the world around us that supports our choice, and the entire society in which we live seems to negate every idea of sacredness or eternal meaning."

~ Sogyal Rinpoche, The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying

We need to do whatever we can to nurture whatever awareness we have of the importance of the spiritual journey because the world around us will not. It's easy to find religion and spirituality but difficult to find genuine support for pursuing Truth with a complete lack of abandon.

But first, you must ask yourself, "Do I really want that kind of support?" If you're not yet at a place of awareness where the seriousness of pursuing transformation overshadows all else that life appears to offer, then real support will quickly lose its appeal because that support will almost always cause varying degrees of discomfort and pain.

If we're attached to who we're not rather than who we are - which is bound to happen unless we have a firm sense of our actual identity - the idea of losing that 'false' self is terrifying and the process of unmasking its inadequacy and impotence will always offer us resistance, in the form of pain. Unless we realize this and are willing and prepared to face such resistance, help from others will be wasted because in the end we'll reject all that is abrasive to our ego, our 'false' self, and turn a deaf ear to any voice that is speaking truth to us and calling us to wake up and become aware.

The real difficulty is that we seldom see the spiritual life as being anything more than an addition to 'real' life, and an unnecessary one at that. We like the idea of spiritual transformation more than the reality of it. We want things to change but only in ways we can safely imagine and foresee ourselves being able to deal with, ways we feel we can control.

I recall a quote from a spiritual teacher that was something to the effect of, "I'm very honest with people when I tell them that spiritual liberation/enlightenment/transformation requires you to give everything you've got. And then a little more."

Before anything else we need to ask ourselves what we want. Do we want to be free from the tyranny of fear and become vessels of Love? Do we really want it? Or do we just want to feel good about our 'self', the false conception we have about who we are and who we want to be? The problem is not that the obstacles to growth are overwhelming, the problem is that we don't want to succeed badly enough in a way that means letting go of our preconceived notions and unfounded expectations.

There is no foundation required other than this one-pointed desire for freedom. But many of us have side-stepped this and have struggled in vain to find what we are looking for, though more often than not we don't even know what that might be.

We need to go back to the beginning if we really want to get anywhere.

There is an unimaginably amazing and intoxicating existence that is awaiting our participation, if only we are willing to loosen our grip on the fears that control us and embrace the Unknown.

Then we will discover that this Unknown has been Known the entire time.

Then we will discover a Love that embraces and transcends all.

Then we will discover the Truth of who we are.

Then we will discover real Life.

I shall begin from the Beginning...sort of.

2010-03-20T10:05:00.000-07:00

My trip to India and Nepal was more than I expected...sort of.

Before I left, I had a sense very deep within my being that when I came back I would be different. I didn't know how I would be different or why I would be different, I just knew that some serious changes were going to result. Even before I left I realized that I had many questions about who I am and where I am going and despite the fact that I had buried them for such a long time under the weight of my fears and pessimism they were beginning to resurface.

So I left in good faith, trusting that what I understood to be 'God' would somehow guide me and that I wasn't totally delusional and doing something utterly stupid. I certainly had many moments of doubt, especially after I finally arrived on the other side of the world, but they were softened by moments of clarity and peace that transcended all of my fears. That said, things began to tumble out of control rather quickly. One thing you learn in India is that any notion of being able to 'control' your little world is a complete illusion, which seems to be part of the reason why in our society even the smallest hiccup can send people reeling. And yes, I was certainly one of those people.

To say the least, my time away was a very prolonged case of the hiccups.

My footing became more and more unstable and I didn't know which way was up. Many of the beliefs I had held for much of my life no longer seemed to make sense to me. Things just didn't add up in my mind or heart anymore. Too many questions, too few answers. I was looking for something but the trouble was that I didn't really know what I was looking for. Call it what you will, whether that be purpose, meaning, or a sense of peace that is free from all fear. Beyond that, I had no idea what that might tangibly look like. In many ways, I still don't.

I left because I wanted to get out of my seemingly directionless life situation and do something that I thought would be a meaningful expression of my desire to love and care for others. I wasn't going to travel to India in order to "find myself". But in the end I think that's just what I had to tell myself in order to make sense of things because in the end that's exactly what I did: I found my Self.

Funny thing is, I've been here the whole time.

There were an innumerable amount of significant experiences that occurred during my six months away and yet there are very few that stick out to me as any kind of 'aha' or 'eureka' moment, though there were some. I could recall countless details and tell an abundance stories - of varying degrees of interest - and yet those things are only signposts, of no use in and of themselves. The things that happened to me brought me to where I am and so they are significant but their true significance is only found in where I am. Where else could be more important? After all, it's the only place I am.

I'd like to take some time in this space to explore some of the things that have begun to emerge within my awareness and open them up for others to contemplate and discuss. I see things more clearly than I ever have and yet I also realize that I still see only fragments of Truth from a finite perspective. The journey is never finished as long as this body is still breathing. And even then, it continues in new ways. Always changing, always moving forward towards something perfect and yet unknown.

Clarity of Vision

2010-02-16T07:09:00.000-08:00

"The questions is not, 'how far?' The question is, do you possess the constitution, the depth of faith to go as far as is needed?'"

~ Il Duce, 'Boondock Saints'

Malone: "You said you wanted to get Capone. Do you really wanna get him? You see what I'm saying is, what are you prepared to do?"
Ness: "Anything and everything in my power."
Malone: "And then what are you prepared to do? If you open the can on these worms you must be prepared to go all the way because they're not gonna give up the fight until one of you is dead."

~ 'The Untouchables'

To 'be' or not to 'be', that is the question

2010-01-28T20:22:00.000-08:00

What if instead of being created to do anything were created to simply be?

What if the most significant and meaningful thing that you can do with your existence is to focus on being rather than on the seemingly endless list of things we need to/want to/should/ought do?

What if the only requirement to live a full, meaningful, peaceful, loving life was to truly be, to be fully present in our life?

The next question that would flow from this would likely become: what does it really mean to be?

It would seem t me that to focus on being means to focus on who we are for we cannot truly and fully be that which we are not.

So...WHO ARE WE???

2010-01-07T19:47:00.000-08:00

"I honestly, honestly believe that more than being told what to believe and what to do, is that people need a safe space to explore and wander about with their thoughts and perspectives about life and God.

Yes, I believe in some absolutes about God but others can't build their faith on my absolutes. They need to build their own. And that's a very risky thing, giving people space to explore God.

But the second thing I honestly, honestly believe is that if people are honest about their search, God will be found."

~ Wise Sage, Randall Friesen

There is much hope in these words.

Selling Out

2009-11-21T04:21:00.000-08:00

“Selling out to someone else’s story is a waste of who we are…”

When we let a friend or lover or family member or elder or community or institution or society or sacred text dictate to us what to believe and how to live then we have sold our story for one that is not our own.

It's always good to laugh...well, most of the time.

2009-11-17T04:50:00.000-08:00

I thought a break from the seriousness might be good for both of us.

Travels

2009-10-30T02:57:00.000-07:00

Do you know where I’m going? I do not. Over and over again I’m forced to drop my expectations and continue forward in uncertainty. I don’t know where I’m going and yet it seems that the journey I’m on now is far more an inner journey than an outer one and it’s taking me to some very unexpected places and some of those places are places I would rather not go.

So why bother? Because I have nowhere else to go. I have no home. I am a drifter, an aimless nomad, regardless of where I am. I travel to these painful inner places because the peace and rest I long for are not to be found in a cozy house with a hot cup of cocoa. Don’t get me wrong, I love a hot cup of cocoa but it’s not long before the cup is empty and the cocoa is gone, along with all its promises of warmth and safety.

Maybe that’s why I’ve never been much of a world traveler, I don’t put an overwhelming value on location. It’s hilarious that I’m in India because I don’t really care that much about seeing the world and having all of these amazing experiences and seeing all these incredible things. It’s not that those things are not valuable and formational because they are. It’s only that they are so utterly secondary to our inner journeys. The two are often connected, without a doubt, but personally I’m more inclined to let my inner journey guide my outer one, as much as possible.

That’s why I’m here. Nothing magical, I just tried to listen to that voice within that calls me to my true home inside of myself where Love dwells. And this is where I ended up.

I’m learning to live one day at a time because each day is a gift and there are no guarantees in life. That does not mean I live each day as if it’s my last because that’s just stupid in a culture obsessed with avoiding death and trying to pack in as much as possible into life in order to get the ‘best value’ possible.

No, living each day as a gift means that we hold it loosely, that we listen to the voice of the Sacred within us and try to be fully present wherever we are. It’s not a frantic race to do all that we feel compelled or obligated to do before we leave this world but a peaceful attentiveness to the Love that created us where we are able to receive it and then allow it to flow freely into the world around us from our true center.

I don’t know where I’m going in this world and yet it is becoming more and more irrelevant. I just know that I’m going home.

Darkness

2009-10-14T07:52:00.000-07:00

There are some things that no one else can do for us. Those things tend to be the more significant parts of life and the work can be quite challenging if not altogether daunting. It is the internal work where others cannot enter.

In the last month or so I've shared an incredibly wide array of conversations with a number of very different people with very different life perspectives and it has truly been a blessed opportunity. It always fascinates me to hear how other people make sense of the world and themselves, and in my better moments I don't even find it that threatening to my own beliefs, only enriching.

I knew that coming to India was going to be a very formational experience, I just didn't know how. Well, I had some vague ideas, as I was planning on doing volunteer work, but beyond that I had no clue as to where my journey was going to take me and what that path would look like. Truth be told, I still haven't much of a clue but I'm getting a general sense of a few things and, while important, they certainly don't seem to be that 'fun'. Well, not 'fun' in the sense of mini golf or birthday parties.

I've had some moments of real darkness in my life. I'm talking blackest of blacks, sheer darkness that did a lot of damage to the ol' psyche. On the positive side of things, I'm doing much better now. Yay! I've taken many steps forward and our Creator has been very generous and gracious to me, for some reason. But just because I'm doing better doesn't mean that the Darkness is gone. Things like that don't simply disappear and we don't 'outgrow' them, regardless of what we might hope or believe. It may become less visible or repressed, but it's still there and it still affects us, whether we want it to or not.

At one point, my solution was to simply give up and give in, to let the Darkness envelope everything within and around me. Not really a great solution but at the time it was the best I could muster. For some reason I managed to survive but the Darkness never really left, I just learned how to function (sort of) while it was still present. Hardly ideal and certainly not healthy.

Due to the traumatic life-altering experience that kick-started this newest chapter of my writings, I was forced to confront my Darkness again, head-on. I'm still not entirely sure why but things were different this time and rather than letting it have its way with me I was shown how to move beyond it and be present in my life with myself, others, and the Divine. I was fairly determined to not take the same path I had taken once before and I think God responded to that, thankfully. It has been an incredible six months and I have learned more about myself and Love then I ever could've imagined, though it certainly was not without some serious suffering and lasting scars. But scars are cool, right?

So here I am now, in a galax...uh, country far, far away. Now I'm being stared down by a new challenge, one that I would've gladly hired a stunt double. But the Director told me it needed to be more believable. Seriously, am I getting paid enough for this???

In experiencing my Darkness, I've tried to repress it, I've tried to ignore it, I've tried to move beyond it and I've even tried to let it consume me. What is left to do? I must willfully stand and face it. Honestly, I thought I had done so already, to some degree, but I suppose that's like saying I've 'faced' the school bully by observing him at recess from inside the classroom and then being thrown outside when I didn't want to go.

This isn't a fight I can win, not on my own, not by a long shot. I'm fairly okay with that, as I've never been much of a fighter anyway – I'm more of a lover;) And yet I still have to face it even if I'm not lacing up any gloves. I don't really feel like I'm ready, but I'm not sure that I'd ever feel ready so I guess now is as good a time as any. Well, given that I'm here for reasons more mysterious then I can make sense of, now seems to be the best time. Why? I don't know. I honestly don't really care. Doesn't matter that much. It just is.

I don't really know what's going to happen or what I'll look like in the end, I just know that if I want to move forward then this is the road I have to walk, painful or not. I'd opt for 'not' but as in many other life circumstances I was not given the choice. I'd probably have chosen poorly anyway so it's okay.

So what do you when faced with a Darkness that seems so vast and powerful?

You get a light.

It's not that complicated.

What else did you do when you were scared of the dark?

Attachment vs. Connection

2009-10-05T08:52:00.000-07:00

Language is limited. At best it points towards truth and offers some glimpses of reality, at worst it distorts it entirely. And yet we need to veil these truths in symbols that we can understand and communicate. Sometimes that's easier said than done.

I've been thinking a great deal about the difference between 'attachment' and 'connection' or if there even is a difference. The more I've thought about it the more I've realized that regardless of what the dictionary definitions may be, I use these words in to make sense of concepts that I don't know how to otherwise communicate. Am I taking liberties to do so? Perhaps. But I'm going to do it anyway.

In my mind, when I think of two objects being 'attached', I imagine a forced connection, one that is not easily separable. I think of things like buttons on a shirt or my arm on my body or the cover on a cell phone. All of those things are connected and can certainly be separated but not without a fair amount of effort and the potential of damaging something. I would, however, hazard that there are differing degrees of attachment, as I would hope that removing the cover of a cell phone is much easier and filled with less risk than removing one's arm.

'Connection' conjures up images in my mind of things relating to electricity, like a power chord in an outlet. There is a lot of energy flowing through that but it can easily be removed without much difficulty and without any risk or worry of damage. In fact, it was designed that way, to be impermanent.

Metaphors break down so don't think about them too hard but I think my point is made. From my definitions, attachment is like connection but with claws. Sometimes attachment is necessary but sometimes it can be harmful and, as always, I'm not really talking about buttons or power chords, I'm talking about us.

I had searched and searched for a way to better understand the difference between those two ideas and yet came up empty handed. So I simply asked for a picture of it and was given one. Much easier than anticipated. When we're open to God/Universe/Transcendent Reality we will most certainly receive, though it may not always be what we expect. Such was the case with me. You'll have to bear with me because this image goes beyond my usual metaphors. I couldn't have thought of it on my own if I had tried.

Picture, if you will, two open hands. Now imagine energy flowing between the two in an arc, like a rainbow:) The two hands are connected through this energy though they are not touching. As long as both hands are open the energy will continue to flow and the connection will continue to exist. Now imagine what would happen if those two hands grew closer and closer until they became clasped. Surely the energy would be all the more intense, would it not? Sadly no, for as a fire needs air to breathe, so this energy also needs space to exist and without it the energy ceases to flow and the connection that it brought will be smothered.

What does all of this mean? Hmm, still figuring that out.

The thing that connects us in relationship with the world around us is Love and the more we try and grasp onto things and people, to use for our own purposes and desires, the less room there is for Love to exist. The thing that we deeply crave isn't really other things or people anyway but rather the Love that connects us. This Love will continue to flow through us as long as we are open to receiving it, though where it flows to is not something we should worry about. It flows where it flows; we can't control it.

All we can do is learn to open our hands.

I knew I wasn't alone in this!

2009-09-30T09:20:00.000-07:00

I've been fascinated by Alcoholics Anonymous for a long time. Why? Well, for one because of the astounding success of the 12-Step program for so many people, including those written off as hopeless cases. As one who has struggled with addiction I can better appreciate the seemingly impossible odds that are overcome by those who have found freedom and strength through such a journey.

I also am just really intrigued at a lot of the principles they follow, that it's not about telling people what to believe or telling them what they should do or what works but by sharing and inviting. They share what has worked for them and what beliefs they hold that have helped them overcome their addiction and they invite others to try it for themselves.

But my primary fascination is found in their very loose concept of God or a 'Higher Power'.

They think the things that I've thought...only waaaay before I ever thought them. That's cool.

I just wanted to share some quotes from the 'Big Book' for A.A. members, sort of like their Bible, that I was offered by a friend I recently met who has been sober for 22 years:

“Much to our relief, we discovered we did not need to consider another's conception of God. Our own conception, however inadequate, was sufficient to make the approach and to effect a contact with God...We found that God does not make too hard terms with those who seek Him/Her. To us, the Realm of Spirit is broad, roomy, all inclusive; never exclusive or forbidding to those who earnestly seek. It is open, we believe, to all people.”

“Whether we agree with a particular approach or conception seems to make little difference. Experience has taught us that these are matters about which, for our purpose, we need not be worried. They are questions for each individual to settle for themselves. On one proposition, however, these men and women strikingly agree. Every one of them has gained access to, and believes in, a Power greater than themselves. This Power has in each case accomplished the miraculous, the humanly impossible.”

“We finally saw that faith in some kind of God was a part of our make-up, just as much as the feeling we have for a friend. Sometimes we had to search fearlessly but He/She was there. God was as much a fact as we were. We found the Great Reality deep down within us. In the last analysis it is only there that God may be found. It was so with us.”

Take it for what it's worth but that's a testimony to me that God cannot be put in a box with a nice bow on it and neither can any person or group or belief system prevent anyone from a relationship with this Higher Power. Some conceptions of God are likely more accurate than others but when I encounter people with these kind of experiences it is difficult for me to make a case that they are missing out greatly in life because they don't believe or understand things quite properly.

Obviously, belief in a Higher Power is only the beginning of the road to freedom and healing. It is all the rest of it that seems to really matter, where the rubber meets the road and we allow this Higher Power to enter our life and to shape us as we offer ourselves in willingness and humility.

Maybe the other big reason I feel so connected to the pathway offered by the 12-Steps is because its motto seems so applicable to all of life, and maybe even more so for me in India:

“One day at a time.”

I don't know about you but that's something I can get behind.

'Truth-Questing'

2009-09-25T08:42:00.000-07:00

The title for this post comes from a dear friend of mine and his clever rhetorical skills. Plus, it sounds pretty frickn' sweet.

I'm finding more and more that truth does not come to us from 'out there' but from within. I think that it often appears that it comes to us from the outside because we encounter new experiences in the world that seem to reveal to us things we were previously unaware.

What I would offer, though, is a suggestion that perhaps the truth that we find has always been with us, we just haven't seen it. I think that there's a lot more to us than meets the eye - TRANSFORMERS - and that our innermost beings are only partially known to us. It's not about saying that since all truth is within me that I am some sort of a god. Not at all. But I think it's about recognizing that while we are finite and fragmented beings, something of the Infinite dwells within us.

One of the issues I have with some Christian thought is with the idea of the Holy Spirit. I have no problem with the idea that our Creator exists in a spiritual form that interacts with this realm in very real ways. I don't even have issues in saying that some people are more receptive to such a Spirit. What I take offense at is the notion that unless you receive this Spirit in some mystical way, it does not exist within you. I simply do not agree with that. It appears to imply that only some have the Divine within them, that humanity is born without any meaningful internal connection to Love and Truth and Beauty. That's not to say that all Christians believe that at all. But it is what I believed at one time.

Because I believe that God is Truth and I believe that God dwells in all of us, I believe that all of us have Truth within ourselves. Does that mean that if I go off into the woods by myself and sit and contemplate life and become open to hearing the voice of the Divine within me that I will reach 'enlightenment' and understand all that is to be understood? No. No, it does not. I think Truth is revealed to us as we are able to receive it and that there are many circumstances and experiences through which She/He chooses to be revealed and many of those seem to involve the physical world around us. On top of that, we'll just never have a complete handle on Truth. Our heads would explode...literally. Have you ever seen that movie, “Scanners”?

I believe that as we are more in touch with our center, as we work to clear away the debris blocking the path to our deepest self, there is more room for Truth enter us. But it is not entering us from the outside, it is entering our heart and mind from within, from our core where Truth makes its home. We are clearing the path so that it may be free to flow out of us!

I have met so many wonderful people of very different backgrounds and beliefs who have encountered Truth deeply and it is an amazing thing to behold! Truth is available to all and is in all. That doesn't mean we all have the same grasp of it or that all paths and beliefs lead to revealed Truth, but it does mean that if we are open to receiving it, if we truly seek it out, it will be found by us.

But why bother?

Hmm, good question. Because Truth is what tells us who we are as individuals, as humans and as a part of creation. Truth reveals to us how to live and why to live and more importantly it reveals to us Love, and Love is what keeps this world intact. It is the Force that created the universe and it is the Being who knit each of us together in the womb.

This is what Truth is, it is Love. And Love not as some abstract concept or naïve idealization but as the Source of all life and meaning.

I don't know about you, but to me that seems worth 'questing' for.

A Tale of Two Visions

2009-09-14T04:12:00.000-07:00

We see things the way we see things.

No brainer.

How we see things says absolutely nothing about their validity. People suffering from paranoid schizophrenia may have all sorts of delusions about how they see the world but those delusions are not reflections of reality. What they see is real to them but it may not be real to the rest of the world.

While it could be said that there are many things that we can objectively know, some of the most significant and fundamental questions are little more than subjective opinion. Is there a God? If so, who is She/He? What is the meaning of life? What does it mean to be human? What is love? What happens after death? It's not that we can't know what's real, only that we can never really KNOW that we know, ya know? Right.

How we do we get arrive at the perspectives we have on life? Well, we're no doubt influenced by countless factors that I won't go into because I'm not an expert, though that has seldom stopped me before. Besides, that's not the significant part here. Regardless of how we end up with different understandings of the world around us, the point is that we do. We may all see the exact same things with our eyes but how we interpret those things can be greatly influenced by our personal perspectives.

One person could view the ordination of female priests as a massive heresy and a failure on the part of the Catholic church while others could view it as an extremely long overdue correction to millenia of patriarchy. It's all in how we see it.

It has become a growing problem for me to accept many of the beliefs and teachings of the 'church' and Christianity, in general. Certainly not all of them and maybe not even most of them but definitely some significant ones. What is a boy to do? It has only been recently that I have discovered the freedom to see things the way I see things. That might sound completely uninteresting but bear with me.

In the world of corporate belief, whether it be the Christianity of the West, the Buddhism of the East, or the Consumerism of a capitalistic society, there is less room for individual thought. It often seems to be the case that if we find a part of something to be true then we tend to accept the whole thing as true, if enough people sign on to it, whether it lines up with how we see the world or not. This tends to be encouraged by the groups themselves.

“If you want to be a [blank], this is what you need to believe, otherwise you don't belong.”

And we all want to belong, don't we? We want to belong to something bigger than ourselves, so it's easy to align ourselves with perspectives that we don't really share. Instead of trying to explore the deep questions of life from where we are and what we see, which seems so subjective and uncertain, it becomes very reasonable to simply accept that a particular belief system is true and then to try and align how we see things with how we are supposed to see things. After all, if millions of people believe it to be true then it must be true.

The problem is that millions of people believe very different things.

So how do we know which one is right? One of them has to be right, right?!?

It's very scary to think about such things, that we cannot have the firm grasp on truth that we desire. It's much easier clinging to a static set of corporate beliefs than to float around all over the place, changing our perspectives as we encounter new experiences and understandings. It's very scary and often uncomfortable, to which I can testify. I have no doubt that many would say holding onto one particular belief system does not mean your beliefs cannot change, and I would certainly affirm that.

The frustration I have is with the idea of starting with the assumption that an entire corporate belief system is true and then allowing our perspective to be refined in the midst of that, but always within the boundaries of the particular system.

What if instead of that we were encouraged to start from how we see and interpret things and then go from there? What if we were encouraged to explore the truthfulness of any number of different beliefs and then allow our perspective to be transformed in a fluid and dynamic way based on what resonates with our deepest self and what does not? That may sound individualistic but I don't believe it needs to be.

Can we not find a way to be in communion with one another regardless of what we believe? Can we not admit that none of us really knows the truth with certainty and that we all see the world through a unique set of lenses? To me that creates a beautiful kaleidescope that affirms all of our individual experiences without saying that one has innate authority over another.

Some may very well be more true than others but we can't make people see what they don't see. I think history has shown that. The discovery of truth should be gently mined by exploring experience through individual reflection and through mutual dialogue. Even if one believes in divine revelation, which I do, I would say that even that comes to us by those two processes.

What does all of this mean? I sound so wishy-washy, so postmodern and relativistic. I'm fine with that. I can be whatever labels people want to throw at me if that helps them process their own faith. Believing what is true is so much less important to me now than simply living authentically with how I see and understand the world.

I honestly believe that God is okay with me believing things that aren't true.

I have no doubt that I have beliefs that are untrue and that I see many things incorrectly. But I believe God cares more about our pursuit of Truth and will guide us to that truth if we are open to receiving it.

I think I've reached my 'heresy' quota for the next several years so I figure I'll stop there for now. If it makes you feel any better you are free to completely disregard everything I've written and continue on your way. No hard feelings and thanks for stopping by:)

Next steps are scary when you are liable to fall on your head

2009-09-10T23:40:00.000-07:00

There isn't a whole lot of conceptualizing at the moment as I sit in the lobby of my hostel in Kolkata, connected to the world via the wonders of technology.

Things tend to look different when you're, well, somewhere different. Sorry, nothing too deep in that one. I believe that this is the step I needed to take, whether I fall down or not. Without a doubt I will makes mistakes, possibly make a fool of myself on various occasions, and likely get sick at least a couple times.

Why?!?

I keep asking myself that same question...

God has new things to show me, things that I don't feel prepared for and things that I probably wasn't able to receive a while ago. Can I be attentive in the midst of such distraction and chaos? Can I listen to that still small voice within me that beckons me to find rest for my soul with its Creator? Can I get up when I trip and smack my head on the asphalt of life?

At the moment, my only hope is looking back at where I was at in life 8 months ago, I had no idea this is where I'd be, internally, nor would I have had any idea how I would've ended up here even if I had known this is where I'd be. That is one of the big reasons why I affirm the existence of a Transcendent Reality; there is too much growth in my heart that I am not responsible for and that I cannot explain. I know that I don't have what it takes to make this work for the next 8 months of my life but I have a Love that sustains me in my weakness and loved ones who help to remind me of who I am when I forget.

So here goes nothing.

Or - as I was corrected before my departure - here goes everything.

Vulnerability: the root of love

2009-08-30T11:39:00.000-07:00

This is going to be a wild ride.

My paradigm about love is being shifted. Wild, wild stuff.

It's so fresh and raw that I have a hard time explaining it in any words that make sense. It's so visceral that my thoughts a jumble but I shall do my best to share some of it. It may not be pretty but I'll give it a shot.

In a world that upholds strength and power as virtues and shuns weakness and vulnerability as flaws, our perspective on reality is easily skewed and how we see love is no exception. We often see love as the strong offering themselves to the weak in some sort of self-sacrificial charity. It's easy to make that connection if one's concept of love is modeled after an omnipotent Being who offers complete love and acceptance to creation while demanding nothing in return; the ultimate power humbly reaching down to frail humanity. And while this really is a clear expression of love, one I have no desire to overlook or erase, I believe it's incomplete.

This kind of love lacks one thing that I believe to be a crucial part of loves essence: complete vulnerability. It could be argued that there is vulnerability in the fact that this kind of love may not be received or reciprocated. That may be true but when the lover really does love without expecting something in return then the risk is minimal. Real vulnerability is laying bare our soul, naked and unashamed. For The greatest thing we have to offer is not some love from on high that transcends the world around us. No, the greatest thing we truly have to offer is ourselves.

This might seem silly at first glance because we tend to see those who shamelessly offer themselves to others in complete vulnerability as being 'too needy'. We frown on this kind of uninhibited openness not because it is actually wrong but because we are unable to fully receive it and are reminded of our seeming inability to offer it. Our fractured humanity is simply unable to contain this kind of raw and pure love. And so we fear it, we scorn it, and we condemn it until we finally abandon it altogether in favour of something rooted in autonomy and self-sufficiency where we attempt to give from our abundance and not from our poverty.

After all, it's not a love that seems very appealing to receive. We don't want someone else's bleeding heart, we want our own heart to be mended. It doesn't look how we think love should look. It is fragile and breakable. It offers no obvious strength or power. It is exposed and unsafe. It pierces our soul to the very centre of our being. It is what is left to give when we have given everything else and nothing more remains. It is the essence of who we are.

This love is too precious to be handled by human hands.

In the midst of all of my confusion and questioning about who this Transcendent Reality really is, I am somehow brought back to the person of Jesus, not because of any authority the Bible may have, not because I'm told I have to "ask Jesus into my heart" to be saved from eternal torment, and not because he supposedly died for my sins and rose from the dead. Whether those things are true or not is irrelevant right now.

What matters is that nowhere in my searching have I found an understanding of a Creator or God or Energy or Universal Consciousness or Spirit or Transcendent Reality that expresses love in the way the myth of Jesus does. I say 'myth' not as a declaration that the story of Christ is untrue but as a way of expressing the idea that its historical factuality seems far less significant than what it represents.

Immanuel

"God with us"

Setting aside my questions and criticisms of the Biblical text and the teachings of the Church, along with looking past the horrific abuses that have been, and still are, perpetrated in the name of this Christ (no easy task), I find something so striking in the myth of Jesus, something so penetrating that it cuts through my strongest of uncertainties and reservations. The thought of the Divine Mother and Father becoming bound to mere flesh, sharing in our humanity with complete and perfect vulnerability, is the most hopeful and transforming image of love that I have ever seen.

The Eternal became mortal; the Creator became a crying child. All for the sake of Love.

For me the story of Jesus is too beautiful and powerful to ignore. I don't believe one has to even accept or affirm Christianity as a religion in order to recognize this. I believe in a God who is bigger than all of our boxes and whose love transcends belief, the only one who is able to perfectly receive my love, my truest self. That is the God I've so desperately longed to trust.

No human can fully receive the love we have to offer without becoming a god; no god can fully receive the love we have to offer without sharing in our humanity.

It is in in the midst of this seeming nonsense that I begin to see Love anew.

Immanuel

"Love with us"

The Void

2009-08-19T19:58:00.000-07:00

I've consciously and unconsciously put a lot of effort into filling this emptiness that plagues me. There is this sense of hollowness that I've been unable to shake no matter how hard I've tried. I've unwittingly and unfairly tried to fill that emptiness with hobbies and projects and addictions and relationships and even with God. That last one was supposed to do it but I must have read the instructions wrong or something.

How many times and in how many ways have I heard people refer to a "God-shaped hole" in our hearts? Too many to count (and some of those were from me!) but it has been a lot. Thinking about that idea, does it strike you as a bit ridiculous? I mean, really, when you break it down, if I believe in a God that is beyond containment and description, beyond our boxes and labels, how can I possibly think that there is any sort of space that is able to contain an infinite God?

But it's a nice sentiment and has a cheery ring to it so it continues to float around in the ether of simplistic explanations. Maybe I missed the boat but I don't feel whole and complete simply because I have a relationship with the Transcendent and to be honest I have little regard for any notions that speak of being 'saved' as some sort of mystical soul cleansing that disintegrates our loneliness.

I wonder if some people feel like nothing else can fill their inner emptiness, therefore God must be the one for the job. Well, She/He doesn't do it for me but hey, maybe it works for someone else. I do experience tastes of wholeness and healing in my journey with the Divine but I've yet to sit down for the full meal. I don't think it's going to be done cooking in this life time. Besides, getting a taste of things to come makes the real thing all the more delicious.

I no longer believe God can fill the space in us because I no longer believe that space in us is meant to be filled. We spend so much time and effort trying to fill the emptiness and experience the closeness we so desperately long for but I think it's in vain. It seems like this space within us is a sacred space, a place where we are able to allow others to receive Love without clinging to them in expectation of receiving something in return. It is the space that keeps us from demanding others to love us the way we want to be loved.

It's strange to think that the greatest intimacy I can experience with another person is not when we "become one flesh" in the sense of clinging to one another in physical or even emotional union but rather when we are able to give and receive love from our true selves in the midst of owning the loneliness of our separation. To think that we can ever be fully united with another person where there is no clear distinction between where one ends and the other begins seems to me to be an unrealistic and unhealthy goal. I don't care what Hollywood says.

Without space and freedom our longing turns into grabbing and hoarding; it turns the other into a thing to be had, into an "it". This is something I have been guilty of time and time again. You'd think I'd learn by now. I'm sorry.

The difficulty is that I don't think our longing is something we can control all that well. We have such unending needs that when we let anything or anyone get too close we cling to it even if we'd rather not. Having said that, I think it also important to say that this space isn't about distancing ourselves from others, withholding trust and vulnerability. On the contrary, I think it is within such a space that we find the greatest safety to open ourselves to others because we are able to be less fixated on their response.

We are imperfect people who do imperfect things. Embracing the perpetual loneliness of our human condition frees us to truly give and receive love imperfectly. The only one who is able to offer such perfect love is Love itself and such love needs no space to fill, it surrounds us always. It is through this Love that we live and move and have our being.

When we begin to see the source of the love and acceptance that others may offer us, we become drawn towards that Source and hear the invitation to wrap our frail arms around the only one able to fully receive our brokenness and who offers us nothing but love in return.

Of mountains and mole hills...well, mainly just mountains

2009-08-10T13:41:00.000-07:00

This month has been deemed my 'sabbatical' month. While it hasn't been - and won't be - entirely stress and problem free, it has been - and will be - a time to try to rest for a bit, to set aside those silly distractions like 'having a job' and doing the same routine day in and day out.

I sometimes struggle with pursuing anything that doesn't seem to offer a change within my normal life. Stepping outside of the grind can be very fruitful and significant, when it's possible to do so, and yet if that time spent outside of our bubbles offers nothing transformational for the life we return to, it seems to be quite an unfortunate loss.

It may be that it takes many trips beyond the 'Great Wall' of our lives for any real change to take root and that's okay. However, if we're merely looking for an opportunity to escape for a while then it doesn't matter how many times we step outside because things will likely be just as we left them when we return.

These journeys beyond the ordinary may never offer us any direct change in our circumstances but that's not really the point anyway. The point is that we step outside and are awoken to see things from a different perspective. As we look back from where we came it may appear that little has changed but this is understandable when we accept our role as active participants rather than passive bystanders. To be open to seeing things differently, to truly examine our lives and what they have become, these are the things that can offer us a clearer view of the path we desire to walk. We must be part of the change we want to see.

The reality is, however, that we are not always able to physically step outside of our circumstances. To say anything different would be to deny the experience of those suffering under systems of oppression and injustice, those who are enslaved and abused and have little hope of escape. The lives of these brothers and sisters cannot be ignored and in some ways I think they should be seen as a more crucial beginning to any theological and philosophical ideas. But that's just me.

Stranded on the side of a mountain, unsure of a safe path to the top, a simple solution would be to be helicoptered up a thousand feet to get your bearings, then down you go and on your way. Sadly, that just does not happen for most people, though if given the opportunity you can bet they would take it. And take it they should. But for those who can't wait for a helicopter the next best thing would be a map. Frankly, even with a helicopter a map would still be quite invaluable when viewing things from afar and when back on the ground.

So what is this 'map', once we step out of metaphor? At one time I probably would have said, "The Bible!", and felt all giddy with the joy that comes from knowing one of the essential pat answers of the Christian faith. No, I don't believe the answer is the Bible. Come on, you know what I'm thinking. Say it with me now..."Solitude!"

As if I haven't said enough about that before. I know, I know, sometimes I tire of it, too. But I still believe it's true. Don't worry, I don't think solitude, by itself, can be the answer to everything but maybe it can be the starting point of many things.

Solitude, that time of entering into our deepest circle where we are able to commune with our innermost being and the Transcendent Reality that crafted it, is what cannot be taken from us. Surrounded or isolated, oppressed or free, male or female, Jew or Gentile - I might be getting carried away but you get the idea - solitude is the home of our humanity that cannot be destroyed.

But solitude also seems to be a means to an end, as the expression of our humanity seems to only be fully lived out when we emerge from ourselves and engage the world with the love and grace we bring back with us.

A map is great but it's not going to climb a mountain for you.

As an aside, I'm in Canmore, AB at the moment, staring at mountains out of two windows, just in case you were wondering where the metaphor came from.

Echoes and Shadows

2009-08-02T14:04:00.001-07:00

In many ways I feel like the world around me, "real" life, is a lot less real than the world beneath it all, the world unseen.

As a person with an uncommon attachment to metaphor, I tend to gravitate towards expressing the intangible and transcendent in more concrete and visible ways. I just love the idea of a connection between the worlds seen and unseen, that the everyday can point us to the everlasting. It's really quite beautiful.

And yet when all is said and done, when this world is long gone and our bodies are ash, what will be left? Since I returned to my blog I've been speaking almost exclusively of the internal world, of concepts and feelings and imaginings and questions. This has become the world most significant to me right now. We may live in the material realm but so much of it seems to be only a shadow of the immaterial. It's not about declaring that the 'flesh' is evil. On the contrary, the seen and unseen are inextricably linked and the visible world is essential because it's where the invisible is expressed.

Our hearts may speak in silence but the echoes are felt in the world around us. That which is hidden is made known as we live our lives amongst the rest of creation.

This is where the eternal kisses the present.

This is the mystery of our humanity.

"By with a little help from my friends..."

2009-07-25T14:25:00.000-07:00

If this blog gives the illusion that I have any clue as to what I'm talking about, I apologize.

Well, okay, I don't really apologize. I'm only sorry if any of what I have to say is interpreted with anything less then several heaping spoonfuls of salt.

That said, what I've been writing, what I've been living through, is as real as you or me. I also know that others are living through these things as well, those whom I know as well as those I do not. That's encouraging to me on many levels.

No one can take away my anguish just as I cannot take away anyone else's. What we can do is support one another in our struggles, walking with each other through the difficulties of life but without the expectation that anyone is going to 'fix' things for us. It's often still very difficult for me to live this out, to allow others to even know my pain, but I believe that it's quite significant.

Others help us to process life with an outside perspective. That doesn't mean their perspective is necessarily accurate in any way but it does allow for a view that extends beyond our own subjectivity. It's easy to get lost in our own little worlds of thoughts and emotions, to let our perception of reality become skewed beyond recognition. Others help to keep that in check and without those in our lives whom we can be vulnerable with, the world can become a very isolating place.

Sometimes I have to fight tooth and nail to take any step towards trusting another but it's worth it. It doesn't feel like at times but I know that it is. I know it because when I look at my life from five years ago to now the thing outside of myself that has made the most difference has been people, those around me who have loved and cared for me. We all deserve to have people like that in our lives and I think most of us do. The challenge then becomes in letting them care and love us. Sometimes that's the hardest battle of all.

The 'heart' of the matter

2009-07-20T15:34:00.001-07:00

We think we have things figured out.

We think that we've found some solid footing.

We think that we're prepared to start walking forward.

Then...

WHAM!

thud

And so we get up and try again or maybe just sit there and nurse our bruised femur for a bit.

What I'm realizing lately is that the heart is more complicated than I give it credit for. And when I say 'heart', I mean the centre of our being where everything collides. Where our truest self merges with our brokenness; the whole of our being.

As much as I'd like to pretend that my mind is the one calling the shots, such is not the case. The heart is where the rubber meets the road, the place where decisions are fashioned...and it's tough to win in an argument against it. You can tell it that things are okay, that everything seems to be moving along nicely, that life can continue on, and you can offer it detailed spreadsheets and pie charts to back up your claims but that frustrating know-it-all can brush off your entire powerpoint presentation without batting an eye. It thinks its sooooo smart!

It's pretty tough for my mind, on its own, to convince my heart of anything. Truth be told, I don't think it's as much about getting what's in my mind down into my heart but allowing what's in my heart to enter into my mind. My heart's not stupid. It knows what the deal is and what's going on and I believe that a lot of inner turmoil might be caused be my refusal to let its painful yet healing words enter into my consciousness.

In the face of deep anguish I often want to shut off communication between my heart and mind in an attempt to try and function the way the world expects me to function. The reality is that the world doesn't care about my heart or what it has to say and since the world often appears to have a more objective understanding of things it becomes quite tempting to believe that I should heed its advice and ignore my own heart.

This is utter folly. If we can't learn to live from our heart then I would dare to say that's hardly living at all.

But listening to the heart does take patience and discernment. It's easy to get our heart confused with mere feelings. Feelings are crucial and have their place but by themselves they do not necessarily speak clearly the words of our heart. I'm not entirely sure how we listen to our hearts but I do believe it has much to do with silence and solitude, entering the centre of our being and encountering our true self and the beating Heart of all creation. I think it also has to do with the connections we have with others, allowing their hearts to speak to our own and vice versa.

I need to start listening more closely, even when I know that I'm not going to like what I hear. Hmm, maybe especially when I know that I'm not going to like what I hear.

Healing doesn't take place through well-intentioned mental gymnastics that try to end our pain through rationality. Healing takes place when we let our heart speak to us, when we let it mourn and grieve. Just as much as we need that kind of space from others we must also offer it to ourselves. We must be willing to sit with our heart in its anguish, to offer it not empty platitudes or harsh reprimands but a safe place where it can reveal itself. It is in such a place as this that our mind and heart will finally find the unity they long for.

Brokenness

2009-07-15T18:29:00.000-07:00

If it is impossible to care for others in my own brokenness then there is little hope for me.

Thankfully, this is not the case.

It's so easy for me to become overwhelmed with my own fractured life and person and to shut down from the world around me. It's like, "I'm here but I'm not here", ya know? I live my life but I'm not really present, just going through the motions, my vulnerable self barricaded away from the rest of the world.

I'll admit that part of the motivation for that is because being vulnerable means trusting others and that means a risk of being hurt. And when you're already in pain, the thought of further pain can be quite discouraging. But beyond this self-defense mechanism is a genuine belief that I need to shield others from my anguish, that the world is already a harsh and cruel place without my allowing even more pain to spill out onto those around me.

Having refused for much of my life to really share my inner world with anyone else, I guess I still don't really know how to do it all that well. And when those who I invest the most honesty and vulnerability in end up leaving it's hard to make sense of that; it seems like it really would be better to just shield others from my darkness because letting it out doesn't seem to work out all that well for anyone.

At least not on the surface.

Yet somehow, beyond any reasonable explanation, I know that it is not in spite of my brokenness that I am able to love others. No, it is through by brokenness that others may find healing. It is in the acceptance of my fragile condition and the honesty that this grows that I become able to fully offer myself to others, to love without expectations or restrictions.

It is only when I am able to sit with my brokenness and somehow accept it as a part of who I am that I may truly be present and truly find the peace and joy I seek. It is not that I am able to step outside of my own pain and ignore it, as that is really just about me running away from myself yet again. No, if my whole self is not able to be present with others then I really don't have much to offer at all.

I get frustrated because my brokenness does not reflect my true self and so it seems like it would make sense to hide that away. But the reality is that my true self only finds expression through my brokenness, through the messiness of my own insecurities, addictions, fears, failures, etc. - none of which are even remotely positive or beneficial in and of themselves - and not through some projected ideal that is an obvious distortion of who I am as a whole.

Even as I write these words I recognize that I struggle to believe them. They seem like a nice sentiment but clearly inadequate to deal with the real world.

Nevertheless, as much as I may want to separate my truest self from the rest of my frail being, I cannot. They are inexplicably linked in a way that I have yet to fully comprehend. Yet somehow I can see beauty in it all, hidden as it may be.

"Know thyself"

2009-07-10T17:41:00.000-07:00

I often find it easier to love others than love myself. I know myself too well, or so I think. I'm sure there are many who feel the same way. We have such a clear view of our own inadequacies and failures that they can easily obscure all of the amazing things about who we are. And when we see others whom we love it is so easy to look past their flaws and see the wonderful person behind it all.

I tend to have so much more grace for others than for myself.

Hence, why I have avoided spending time with myself for much of my life, especially these past several years. The irony is in the amount of time I've spent alone. It would seem logical that being by yourself would be the same as spending time with yourself.

Not necessarily so.

Even when I've been alone I've avoided myself like the plague. In the past I've ran to every possible distraction that I've come across. I've given myself to addictions and vices that offer more pain than pleasure. I've tried to do everything possible to keep me from me.

Constantly before my eyes is an image of who I desire to be, the person that lives out of his created nature of love and who is free from all fear, able to fully express transcendent love in all ways, in all circumstances. He's a wonderful man and even I would really like to meet him someday. But when I look in the mirror, the face that I see staring back is someone else.

This troubles me.

I've come to realize that the frustration is not that I am unable to be perfect, unable to live out some unrealistic expectations of others (though I doubt I'm ever fully free from that pressure), but rather that I feel unable truly to be ME. There is so much fear and shame that weighs down on me, crushing me to a fraction of who I really am. And yet this is who we all are, to greater and lesser degrees. Our truest self longs to burst forth but is held back by so many hurdles, so many limitations.

I believe the path of salvation is not the path of becoming a new creation, in the sense of becoming something different, but rather becoming a more complete reflection of our truest self, which happens to be a unique and stunning reflection of our Creator, in whose image we were formed.

I think that rather than becoming disillusioned and disappointed with how I see myself in the mirror, I must learn to be still, to give space for solitude until I am able to begin to commune with my true self and begin to discover who I am and who this God is who created me.

Maybe that's the root of my immense longing for the 'other': I yearn so badly to be known because I don't even truly know myself. I'm too scared to so I seek out someone who has the courage and grace that I appear to lack.

Maybe what I'm really longing for is to be known by...me?

"Know thyself"

Hmm...

I am only now beginning to recognize the incredible significance of this ancient truth.

Walking a fine-ish line?

2009-07-07T19:42:00.000-07:00

I long to serve others and offer them love in the greatest ways that I am able, however limited that may be. The frustration comes from the fact that I am quite a broken person and though I may have much that I want to offer, I often find myself unable to cope with the darkness that exists within myself, which makes it difficult to feel like I can offer anything of value at all.

When we are so weary and tired and beaten and bruised and long for healing so badly, how are we to love our neighbor? When we feel empty of the love and acceptance we desperately need, what do we even have to offer others? We want to be there for encouragement and support of the other and yet our entire being is screaming to receive that same encouragement and support for ourselves.

There are many times when I feel wholly inadequate in how I care for others. It's as if no matter how hard I try I'm just not good enough, that if I really wanted to I could just do better and since I don't often do 'better', I must not really want it. And since I must not really want it then I must not really care.

But I DO care.

That's the wrench in the gears.

Maybe I am terribly immature in my ability to fully love anyone but at the same time I am trying and it's very hurtful when I feel like my best just isn't good enough. But maybe it's not? I don't know. Good enough for what? That would be a good question - one that I do not have the answer to.

How do I cry out for help and at the same time freely offer myself to others? I don't know how to simply 'turn off' my neediness and ignore it all the time. Sometimes it won't be ignored and it begins to swallow me whole. What then? How do I let others care without becoming a burden on them? How do I even begin to trust people to genuinely care?

Many questions. Few answers.

Such is my life.

Loneliness

2009-07-03T21:07:00.000-07:00

It's a struggle that has plagued me for longer than I can recall, this feeling of being unknown and alone...and essentially unloved. The pain of loneliness can be so great because even the love that you may genuinely receive from others becomes tainted with the concept that you are not fully loved, loved for who you are, because you are not fully known and if you were then you would not be loved.

It's a battle that rages within my heart, within my inner self. You can't argue with your loneliness and rationally explain it away, though understanding it can play a significant role in learning to face it and walk through it.

My great spiritual guide as of late, Henri Nouwen, shares some profound thoughts relating to this when he was going through a time of serious self-doubt and depression due to the loss of an incredibly significant relationship in his life. I'm not usually a fan of quoting other people extensively but I could never hope to express his insight in a way that would come close to his own words.

This is, in essence, what I am walking through and these are the words that speak to me. They are words of life that God has generously offered me in the midst of such deep and yet necessary pain, and for such a gift I am deeply grateful.

"When you experience the deep pain of loneliness, it is understandable that your thoughts go out to the person who was able totake that loneliness away, even if only for a moment. When, underneath all the praise and acclaim, you feel a huge absence that makes everything look useless, your heart wants only one thing - to be with the person who once was able to dispel these frightful emotions. But it is the absence itself, the emptiness within you, that you have to be willing to experience, no the one who could temporarily take it away.

It is not easy to stay with your loneliness. The temptation is to nurse your pain or to escape into fantasies about people who will take it away. But when you can acknowledge your loneliness in a safe, contained place, you make your pain available for God's healing.

God does not want your loneliness; God wants to touch you in a way that permanently fulfills your deepest need. It is important that you dare to stay with your pain and allow it to be there. You have to own your loneliness and trust that it will not always be there. The pain you suffer now is meant to put you in touch with the place where you most need healing, your very heart. The person who was able to touch that place has revealed to you your pearl of great price.

It is understandable that everything you did, are doing, or plan to do seems completely meaningless compared with that pearl. That pearl is the experience of being fully loved. When you experience deep loneliness, you are willing to give up everything in exchange for healing. But no human being can heal that pain. Still, people will be sent to you to mediate God's healing, and they will be able to offer you the deep sense of belonging that you desire and that gives meaning to all you do.

Dare to stay with your pain, and trust in God's promise to you."

If I recited that to myself every day, I would, no doubt, be far more grounded, encouraged, and prepared to live my life in the face of this pain.

I pray that you would be blessed by these words of Henri as well.

Love & Intimacy pt.2

2009-07-01T09:20:00.000-07:00

Somewhere along the line I came to both underestimate and overestimate the potential of human relationship.

I underestimated it in the sense that I could never have imagined the depths of my being that another person could touch and reveal to me through the gift of love.

I overestimated it in the sense that as much as another person can offer, they can never offer the deepest love that I need.

Both of those realities seem to intertwine in some strange way that I don't yet fully understand. To have someone guide you to the darkest and most intimate caverns of your heart is an incredible and miraculous journey. Yet when you reach the door to center of your being and your guide is unable to walk with you any further it becomes terrifying.

How can you continue on your own when you've needed someone to get this far? How can you now be expected to move forward alone? It seems unfair and unreasonable at first glance, unless it was a test of strength but I don't believe that it is. It is simply a part of our humanity being created as unique individuals. No one has the key to your center but you and only you can walk through into it. This is where we meet the Transcendent Reality, the creator and lover of all that we are.

This is where God dwells within us.

To enter our center means leaving all others behind. We must leave behind all the love and intimacy that we have been offered. Why? Because its only a partial expression of the love and intimacy for which we truly yearn. God desires to give us these gifts in their fullness, but we cannot receive them if our hands are full. We must learn to let go.

This is where the risk and fear is found. To let go means that we may lose all that we had. How can we be sure that when we enter our inner chamber we will really receive the gifts we have been promised?

We can't be.

It is a risk.

And so our heavenly Father/Mother waits for us and gently whispers to us, as one would comfort a frightened child to assure them that they need not be afraid. To enter our deepest self is, in fact, the safest place of all.

Love & Intimacy pt.1

2009-06-29T17:57:00.000-07:00

In the scorching heat of the desert sun, as your parched throat cries out for relief, coming across a deep well of water seems like the most amazing and blessed gift that you could ever be given! You drink and drink and drink, savouring every drop that kisses your lips. But as you continue drawing the water from the unseen depths you begin to notice that there is a bit less in the bucket than the last time, and the next time there is even less.

It appears that there isn't enough water replenishing the well to meet the demands of your unquenchable thirst.

The never-ending heat offers no reprieve and you feel mocked and scorned. Yes, you were miraculously provided with water, the very thing you were desperately longing for, but it only served to prolong the inevitable ending you were trying to escape. You were fooled into thinking that there was a chance to survive and now it feels as if you are being taunted for your misplaced hope.

How did you end up in the desert anyway? Wrong turn? I suppose it doesn't matter since it doesn't seem hopeful that you're going to last much longer. Death may appear certain but you still have a choice to make. Are you going to simply lie down next to this well, this symbol of hope, content to face your end alone and defeated? Or are you going to gather what's left of your strength and continue on in hopes of finding the source of this well? After all, a well must be fed by something greater. Its water must come from somewhere...but where? And how will you ever find it?

So the question remains: what are you prepared to do?

"...Anyone who drinks this water will soon become thirsty again. But those who drink the water I give will never be thirsty again...'Please, sir,' the woman said, 'give me this water! Then I’ll never be thirsty again...'"

Identity

2009-06-26T16:42:00.000-07:00

For a long time I've allowed the external world to define my identity, what it means to be a 'Matthew Kent' of the times.

Whether it has been the influence of the media, the expectations of others, my thoughts about what the expectations of others might be, how a 'good' person is supposed to act, or whatever else, I've allowed those things to define me.

Well, that's not exactly true. It's not that I've let those things define me as much as I've let them be a sort of measuring stick with which to measure myself. It's like all of these things that I should be are used to discern whether or not I'm actually measuring up, if I'm enough of a 'Matthew Kent' to pass inspection.

What I'm beginning to see more clearly is that discovering who I really am is not the issue. I know who I am, as much as I can at the moment. Yes, I think our identities are shaped as we progress through life and they are formed and revealed as time moves on. The fact remains that I know who I am as much as I am able to at this moment.

That's not the real problem.

The problem is not in figuring out who I am as much as being able to accept who I am. I have strengths and weaknesses, gifts and struggles, victories and vices and all of those things fit into my identity in some way. That doesn't mean I am unable to learn and grow and change but that can only really happen when I find my home in my own skin. I often see myself only as valuable as the qualities I possess that are similar to positive ones found in others.

If I act generously I compare my generosity to so-and-so, who is obviously more generous, and so I fall short. If I act compassionately I compare myself to someone else, who I will also see as being far more compassionate, and so I fall short. The same goes for an act of kindness, patience, or vulnerability. Anything good I have to offer seems only to be a shadow of what those around me carry with them all the time.

This is clearly neither a healthy nor accurate way of perceiving myself.

I am who I am and as much as I feel inadequate and redundant at times I am irreplaceable. When I can begin to truly live this out then I will be able to truly give without expectation. I will be able to offer love to those around me without clinging to them in hopes of finding safety in becoming who they desire me to be, well intentioned or not.

The gnawing loneliness I have within me seems to be rooted in the fact that I don't feel loved and accepted by the one person who I should be able to count on to offer it beyond anyone else...myself.

Excuse me, I have something to say.

2009-06-22T09:59:00.000-07:00

Over seven months.

A lot can happen in seven months.

A lot has happened in seven months.

Things have changed.

I've changed.

Life doesn't always turn out how we expect, how we hope it should.

That is unchanging.

I'm headed into a new place and I'm not entirely sure what that looks like. I just know that I'm heading home. It'll be a long journey, one filled with more pain than I would ever wish to endure, and yet I'm realizing that it's a journey I must take. I've been looking for a long time, trying to find the place where I am safe to just be. It wasn't where I thought it would be, not in the love of another, not anywhere in this world around me. It's beyond all of that, deep in my innermost being, the place I am most afraid to travel.

Truth be told, I scare myself. When I look down the shaft descending into the deepest recesses of my heart I become fearful. I don't know what's down there and for the most part I've been content not to find out. I've tried to find peace and meaning and life outside of myself, outside of my truest self. I so badly wanted to find it somewhere else, anywhere else! But it wasn't found in my abilities and strengths, not in my addictions and vices, not in my friends and family, and not even in the one place I truly hoped, the sacred intimacy shared with the one I loved.

I've exhausted all of my options, no place left to turn. This is one of those times in life where we have a significant choice to make. We can choose death and give up all hope, knowing that what we crave so badly will never be found in the things we strive for. Or we can choose...the other path. I don't want to say 'life' because we may not truly believe that life will be found, but it's a choice to take that final journey, to the place we've avoided at all costs, in the grasping hope that where it takes us will be the home we've been longing for.

It's deeply unsettling to know that there is no more hope for something else to come around that will satisfy the hunger in my soul. There is no thing, no person, no vocation, and no experience in this world that can offer that.

The path that led me to this discovery was an extremely painful one involving the loss of a relationship that offered me more love, acceptance and safety than I could have asked for and yet was not enough. It never could have been enough. And it never will be enough, not with anyone. Yes, the loss is great and the sorrow is overwhelming at times and yet I am grateful because this relationship showed me so much of the beauty and intimacy possible in this life and also of its ultimate inadequacy to meet my deepest needs.

And so I am left staring down into the abyss of myself, unsure of what I might find but knowing that it is a journey I must take for there is nowhere left to go but inwards. It's not a journey of self-involvement but a journey of self-discovery. Where this journey will take me I do not know, but I am sensing that it may also involve an outward journey, away from this place, away from what I've known and where I feel content to hold onto the comfort and safety that is so readily available. To be honest, it's quite terrifying and yet quite freeing at the same time.

I've also realized that this is a journey that is to be shared and so this is a place where I can offer my thoughts and questions and discoveries to those interested. It felt almost selfish in a way to keep these things to myself and though I can make no promises about what will emerge in this space my desire is that others will be able to see bits and pieces of their own stories and be reminded of our shared humanity, knowing that we have much more in common than we might first think.

This MUST be a bad dream...

2008-11-17T12:24:00.000-08:00

I've been going through a pretty rough patch as of late. I've tried to think about what I feel motivated to share on this space and the answer is still out of my reach.

I stumbled upon [this] while looking for an ecouraging e-card for Kim, my wonderful partner. I had a strange feeling that she wouldn't appreciate most of the ones I looked at...

Seriously, though, you need to check that out. Terrible graphics and animation aside, those cards are almost too outrageous to even believe. Almost.

Sigh.

At first I thought it was a joke. Nope. My personal faves? 'Wives Submit' and 'Date Non Christians', but it's so hard to separate the terrible from the deplorable. The 'Marriage for Life' was the one that I can actually stand behind.

Is this what qualifies for apologetic outreach? Such a disappointment, not in the person, but in the religious culture that breads this absurdity.

There Gavin, now I wrote something new.

"Men are from Mars, Women are from...Mars" Duh

2008-10-16T10:41:00.000-07:00

The concept of socialization is one that is quite mind-boggling to begin to unravel, not unlike the movie, “The Matrix”. When you’re so immersed in your conditioning it takes someone else to reach out and show you something different.

I have found myself to be much more acutely aware of the generalizations of the sexes that are made by both others and myself. It’s like my ears have been tuned into a frequency that I had been previously oblivious to. And why the difference? Why bother listening? In coming to understand a clearer picture of how women have been marginalized and segregated throughout history, and even in our present culture of the Western church, it grieves my heart.

Why do we always focus on the differences and ignore the far more impressive similarities?

One of the very few convictions I’ve had in my life regarding what I am to pursue has been about being in relationship, in friendship, with those rejected by others: the marginalized, the disenfranchised, the poor, those struggling with addictions and mental illness, homelessness, etc. So how do you think I would react upon being presented with the possibility that one entire half of our species has invisibly fallen under that category? I think in many ways that I’m still in shock.

Beyond the impact on women, there is the less visible impact on males, myself included. It is an incredible feeling to realize that, bundled up with the unfair gender roles placed on women, are unfair gender roles placed on men, albeit to less obvious oppression. I am told to be more emotional but expected to be 'strong' and less emotional. I am told to be relational and caring and yet prodded to be successful in work in order to 'provide' for my family. It's actually quite amusing when the string begins to unravel.

To me the answer seems to lie in the discovery and embrace of who we are as human beings before trying to discover the ‘correct’ gender roles of men and women. Breaking down the walls of gender for the sole purpose of reconstructing them in a ‘better’ way seems like a waste of time.

What does it mean to be a human being? That should be the real question that we pursue for ourselves and encourage others to follow.

Ah, I could say soooo much more at the moment but I am quite positive the vast majority of you would get really bored. But if anyone wants to hear more, just let me know;)

The rain keeps pouring

2008-10-06T11:47:00.000-07:00

"How can I face this frustration?
How can bear this pain?
When light is swallowed by darkness,
when clear skies turn to rain."

It seems to be no accident that it is pouring outside. I usually love the rain. Not today.

It is a disturbing and uncomfortable reality that some of us are enveloped by our deep internal suffering. There have been quite a few times in my own life where this has become a reality. What do you do when life seems too painful to bear anymore? When hope has been shattered or shrouded and the loneliness takes hold of your soul?

But this isn't about me.

Last night a fellow student at my college, whom I shared a pastoral theology class with last semester, took his own life last night.

And just like that, the darkness seems to win.

The most shocking thing for me has been how unshocking this has felt. It could have been any number of people that made that decision. It could have easily been me.

This says so much less about the individual than it does about our society. The way our culture does community, the way our society ranks what is of most importance, is so fundamentally flawed. This was not the failure of the individual, or even of this particular little community. I can't even begin to elaborate on how systemic this issue is. It's just beyond my comprehension at the moment.

The church, the body of Christ, in our culture does community better than some but not even better than most and certainly not without strong influence from the world around us. We are, in part, products of our socialization, both individually and corporately. This is not something this is easily repaired, especially when so many are completely oblivious to the fact.

My theology tells me that Brad is in perfect communion with God right now, a final redemption of what relationship was created to be. This offers me some hope.

It's not 'all I need' anymore

2008-09-22T08:22:00.000-07:00

I recently heard a comment that "all we need is the Bible", or something to that effect.

First off, the context was in reference to preaching, which is reasonable, the premise being that we are fallible humans and the wisdom of scripture should overwhelm our own personal inadequacies. At least, that was the interpretation I garnered from the brief conversation.

There was a time I probably would have affirmed that sentiment, based more on what I have been taught than anything else. But that is no longer the case...and I'm glad!

The Bible is not enough. Word of God? Maybe, but what the heck does that mean? "The only perfect rule for faith, doctrine, and conduct"? Again, what does that even mean? As much as I affirm the belief that our Lord was intimately involved in the construction of this sacred text, I cannot accept the notion that it is all that we simply need, whether for life in general or our spiritual journey.

How we come to interpret and understand what the Bible says has no necessary connection to what God is intending to communicate with us. The Bible is as much a reflection of social construction and cultural biases as it is a reflection of divine truth. The two are intermixed so thoroughly that it can be exceptionally difficult to separate them.

That's okay because the Bible is not all that I need, or you need, or anyone needs. We need community, we need our own experiences and thoughts, we need time to commune with the Transcendent. There's probably lots more that we need, too, but that's just to whet your whistle.

Not only that, but I would almost go so far as to say that we don't NEED the Bible at all.

Heretical, much? We have been conditioned to view it as an essential element to soul-saving faith and yet how many Christians, let alone those of other understandings, have gone through this life without ever having read a copy of the Bible for themselves? The ideas and truths are essential, without a doubt, but are they only discovered in this holy text?

This is not to say that the Bible is unimportant or that the nature of passing down knowledge and wisdom is irrelevant, that our own personal experience is simply sufficient in and of itself, but what I'm saying is that maybe the Bible's significance and importance have overstepped their bounds in some ways.

Yeah, I'm good with saying that, whether I'm right or wrong.

I'm like the guy in the picture, the one kneeling down

2008-09-07T16:23:00.000-07:00

He's sitting in the hot sun of the dessert, not really exactly sure which way he's going but pretty sure that this was the right way. Well, fairly sure...

I give off the illusion that I'm organized, that I know what the heck I'm doing but I really do not. I was going to say, "...sadly, I really do not," but I don't know that it is all that sad and terrible. Frankly, it's probably for the best that I don't know where I'm headed because I would probably just want to run in the other direction! The Transcendent Reality is all crazy-smart like that.

I think I'm content to be led like a horse with a carrot on a string dangled in front of my nose. Okay, a horse with bad eye sight because I can see something fuzzy and orange that looks like it could be delicious, like a sweet, crispy carrot or possibly bitter and soft, like the nose of a snowman. That reminds me, I need to go and get new glasses some time soon.

I shall also note that I am dusting off the ol' acting shoes and participating in my school's major theatrical production this year. It'll be a good time, I'm pretty sure. I'm a heart surgeon. Isn't that what every parent hopes for?

Maybe not.

Like stuffing a cat in a sock...it just doesn't fit.

2008-09-04T11:32:00.001-07:00

It has occurred to me through various ponderings in my mind and conversations with those I care about and who care about me that all is not right in my being. Tension and anxiety have become closer friends as of late, and to be honest they're not the best company. The leave the toilet seat up and forget to buy more milk when they empty the jug.

...

I have changed. That is not in question. The ways in which I have changed are certainly up for debate, in terms of whether I've become a more complete and loving human being or a more f'ed up @$$hole. Which is it, column A or column B? I'm not convinced it's that simple.

I feel undue pressure to try and fit into the person I was while remaining the person I am. Why? Well, I feel from some like I don't garner as much respect or admiration for the person that I'm continuing to become. That hurts, though there concerns may be legitimate. And then there are others who are excited about these changes and who support and encourage me. They are, unfortunately, seeming to be in the minority. BUT the upside is that, as with many things, the minority is a very vocal one:)

It is hard for me to imagine that any changes in my growth as a human being are going to be entirely beneficial or entirely harmful. It's not that simple. When is anything ever really that simple?

And yet I understand the frustration and discomfort some feel because it's easy to focus on the negative, or at least what we perceive as negative, and mourn for the loss of what was good, or at least what we perceived as good.

I get that.

But it seems folly to try and squish my new self into my old form, and even with these words it should be said, if it isn't obvious enough, that our shape is continually changing. I'm hard-pressed to accept the notion that people can ever remain in stasis, unmoving and unchanging, despite that it may appear that way from the outside.

The hard part is that growth often includes struggle and I know there will be plenty more of that to come in the near future, regardless of its source. I must be constantly reminded that I am loved by many and also by One that is far greater and more worthy than all others.

That feels mostly hopeful, I think.

Simple does not = easy

2008-08-16T06:49:00.000-07:00

Well, it has been a good trip so far. We visited a church last night that has a homeless shelter in their building that houses about 35 residents. They also have a congregation of 1500 so yeah, they have tons of cash. The highlight was playing volleyball with some of the residents and volunteers. It was a good time. The church itself used to be a school and they built a huge auditorium for their sanctuary, complete with movie theater seats and 'rock star' lighting.

I have mixed feelings about that, especially when they said they've been having trouble finding actual volunteers to do the hands-on part of things. I guess it was just a reminder as to how ignorant and individualistic we can be, with myself being no exception. Maybe I saw a reflection of my inner self. But when we're told to be all we can be, to go and make something of our lives, to work hard and succeed, how do you expect someone to sacrifice their time and money (the two things needed for worldly success) in order to help those in need?

And I don't buy this whole business that everyone needs Jesus equally so it's irrelevant where we put a church and we should just focus on the community our church is in, regardless of what that community looks like. Maybe everyone needs a relationship with God so as to understand their true identity and experience the kind of love that leads to real life. Sure. But not everyone has the same physical or emotional or even spiritual needs. Nor is everyone equally recognizing of their needs. Maybe everyone needs to hear the same message but there is obviously a reason why Jesus said it was easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich person to enter the kingdom of God and I don't think it was because wealth means you are evil and selfish.

I can't help but see our capitalistic and consumptive society as a very direct barrier to discipleship, to following Christ and discovering our most real humanity in love and compassion, justice and peace. And really, you can't even end it there because not only does our society act as a stumbling stone to many but it is also a rock that crushes the poor and oppressed. I feel only marginally more educated about the complexities of poverty and homelessness but recognizing some of these complexities has been very significant. There are so many systems in place in our country to help those in need and yet these very systems can easily become tools to keep people in their broken conditions, holding them back from ever escaping without the help of actual human beings who care.

Relationship.

As much as I don't like to hear it or say it or accept it, relationship is the fundamental building block for real change and transformation in people's lives. God does what God does and yet much of that is done that leads to hope and freedom comes through the deliberate acts of us people. Why? I don't know. Don't ask me.

Relationships are not going to fix the systemic inequalities and hindrances that exist but they need to be the start. Knowing people who are suffering in addiction, poverty, mental illness, etc., is the fuel for our passion. These people have names and faces and without taking hold of that we're simply working for ghosts and it's very easy to give up on working on behalf of ghosts.

After all, who really believes in ghosts?

So...what is a Matthew to do?

2008-08-13T06:16:00.000-07:00

I'm in Ottawa at the moment and off to Toronto later this morning. I'm off adventuring within the inner and outer city areas of some huge and impressive urban environments. Why? Well, I'm still trying to figure that out.

On a basic level the purpose is to gain some more education in a practical manner, both in working with different 'hands-on' organizations but also (and in my opinion more significant at this point) engaging in dialog with various individuals in these organizations, and within our own group, in order to gain a greater perspective on the very complicated and interwoven issues of poverty and homelessness.

So then the question raised is, "What is a Matthew to do?" I don't think the responses from us as individuals should be carbon copies of one another, but I do think we are all called to respond in some way, as human beings and not just as Christians.

Christianity and the message of Christ gives me some very clear and tangible motivations for wanting to respond, even if I seldom respond in the best way. And when it fundamentally comes down to it I live a comfortable life that I can attempt to continue living comfortably in regardless of God's broken heart for the marginalized and disenfranchised.

I feel like my heart is as cold as stone at times, unwilling to push me to act, frozen in place. That's when I realize that it is not me alone that feels compassion and a desire to do justice. It comes from my Creator, whose image I was created in.

As hard as it is to believe at times, I find my truest heart when I engage in having it broken by the suffering of the world around me. That's not to say I should sit around and mope all the time. Certainly there are things worth rejoicing over and yet it is easy to let those things overpower our focus and to ignore the pain.

The problem with all of this is that it's hard, it requires something of me.

That's the catch for me at the moment.

The Return of the King

2008-08-05T08:04:00.001-07:00

I have returned...and yes, that title is a bit too extreme a statement to describe my arrival back at my homestead, but I felt it evoked some good imagery. "When in Rome..."

Oh tree planting, how I miss you already:( It was very challenging work, both physically and mentally, though the physical difficulty was certainly more pronounced at the very beginning and very end. It was hard work but good work, satisfying work that challenged me to the core, which is really the kind of work I long for, albeit often begrudgingly.

It has been a very formational few months though I am still searching for words to even somewhat adequately explain all that has occurred in my inner being throughout this endeavor. While talking to Kim, my very significant other (whom I was able to spend the last month planting with), I mentioned that things would be different when I finally returned home but that I was unsure what that would look like and what those differences would be. I still don't have a clear picture.

And having watched "The Dark Knight" while on a day off in B.C., I throw out this bit of quotable quotes from the Joker, "But I know the truth: there's no going back. You've changed things ... forever"

Life, by it's very nature, is not static, not in the least. My insides have been rearranged, for better or worse, but hopefully for the better. My faith has changed along with my understanding of who God is, who I am, and what this Christianity business is all about. I don't for a second think that I see things clearly now but I do see things on another level.

To use the analogy of sight, it's not quite like going from seeing in black and white to seeing shades of gray but more like going from seeing in two dimensions to seeing in three. It's not that my poor eyesight has been miraculously restored. No, my vision is still quite fuzzy, but I'm making out shapes and objects that were previously foreign to me.

Seeing the form of a sphere can be quite disturbing when having lived in a world of mere circles.

I don't know where I go from here and to be honest I'm a bit frightened and anxious. I honestly don't know where this is going to end up.

But I know that I can't go back and so I step forward into the unknown.

Oh yeah, I forgot to mention...

2008-05-08T17:32:00.001-07:00

My muscles ache, my neck is sunburned, my hands are shredded and my knees and creaking like old door hinges.

Yes, my friends, I am tree planting.

Well, not right now. Right now I'm recovering from some progressively worsening knee injuries that have occurred in the past and are returning with a vengeance. Your prayers are greatly desired. Merci.

I'll be back, well, in a bit. Then I might be gone again. I don't hate the planting that much at all, though it hasn't rained yet. Ha. I'm doing well, for the most part, though my thoughts are largely consumed with planting, which is alright.

See you on the flipside,

Matt

Change, for better or worse?

2008-04-30T19:44:00.000-07:00

Life is not static, human beings are not static, heck, even static is not static. Things are always changing, always in transition, always becoming something different.

I am one of those 'things'. So are you.

It's interesting that as much as our existence is based on change, it still is uncomfortable to us at times.

As a human being, I still feel like quite a wreck much of the time, but even I have been changing. Yes, in the last few months my internal world has been shifting and adjusting, groaning and creaking under the weight of new ideas and thoughts and questions and passions. Probably not all of the changing has been entirely good, and only time will likely tell what would fall under that category, but I can say with honesty that most of it has been to my benefit as a person who desires to love more.

I love my friends, most of the time, and they had begun to be concerned with these changes, or at least some of them. It's just interesting how we all perceive things differently, as there are those who have seen some of these changes as being positive and others who have seen them as being negative. I'm okay with that, but it sure can get confusing in trying to sort out which one is more 'right', right?

I can honestly say that I am more committed to Jesus, to the church, to discipleship, to caring for the downtrodden and encouraging the wayward, than I have been in a long time. And yet it always seems that anything appearing negative outweighs all that is good. I get that, I really do, but to me it's still pretty friggin' dumb.

Regardless of the gross misunderstandings and utterly absurd perceptions from others that sometimes arise, let us continue to hold one another accountable, not in a negative and discouraging way but in a way that encourages, that helps one another forward rather than pushing each other back. Let us be willing to embrace conflict and examine with honesty the concerns of others that we might run the race well, unhindered.

Let us enter into dialogue and learn to love one another more fully, standing unified in our diversity, accepting points of view that don't make sense to us and wrestling with them, rather than fighting with the individual.

That sounds like a good thing, don't you think?

I am not dead

2008-04-29T13:32:00.001-07:00

...please bear with me.

On Higher Learning

2008-04-18T11:44:00.000-07:00

I love learning. I really do. I even love writing papers and handing them in 2 weeks late and still getting an excellent mark. I love writing take-home finals that are instructed to be done as if I was writing a blog post. That is awesome.

What I don't like is how disorganized I am and how much of a disaster my emotional being becomes under the pressure of having to 'perform'. Last week, after I finished my huge paper, I said to myself, "Ah, that was really difficult and emotionally taxing, but I love it a lot and I'll do it again." That was before I realized that I did, in fact, have a take-home exam to write that equated to another 12 page paper. At that point I was saying, "Frick, why am I still doing this?!? I should seriously probably not come back to school next year!"

And now I'm done, I think, mostly...though I do have the sneaking suspicion that I am not done everything that needs to be done.

Is the satisfaction of finishing well, having done a good job with much enrichment of the mind and soul, sufficient to justify the agony that I put myself through? I freely admit that most of the frustration I experience is my own internal fault, but that doesn't realistically make things a whole lot easier in the moment.

My heart echoes the thoughts of my sister, "Do I have what it takes?"

For me, the answer is a firm "no". I'm okay with that. It's becoming more enjoyable to embrace my inadequacies and inabilities, though I still waft a scent of superiority at times. I know that I have skills and abilities that God has giving me and I also know that He's the one who knows how best to use them. I'll just mess things up if left on my own.

So I must learn to rest and trust, to let go of my failures and accept that it is God at work who sustains and enables me to be obedient to His call, despite the fact that I feel grossly unqualified to live out this calling.

It'll be a crazy ride,

as it has been already.

'Revolution'

2008-04-08T15:38:00.000-07:00

As I and my bandmates played a modified version of the Rage Against the Machine song, "Killing in the Name", at the Prov coffee house on Sunday, it became quite apparent that we need to maybe do this more frequently. Maybe we could also just play one of there songs as written. That would be interesting.

I was never a huge fan of Rage, mostly due to the guitar player's weird solos, but they certainly have a heck of a lot to say, and also do, regarding political activism. It almost doesn't even matter that I might not agree with everything they say and do, at least they participate in trying to bring about changes for the better.

I am overwhelmed by guilt and, to be honest, disgust at how so many 'non-Christians' care so much more about the oppression of others than most of us do in our Western Christianity. Not only that, but we're content to live in mild ignorance of the abuse that we cause by our lifestyles. We joke about how our clothes are made in sweatshops and how Walmart is an oppressive corporation and we keep buying clothes made in sweatshops and continue shopping at Walmart, because, you know, it's just easier.

And 'Fair Trade' coffee? This seems to be the evangelical pacifier towards the injustices of the world. "Well, at least we're helping in some small way." Absolutley! There is no reason why any church should not support 'Fair Trade' everything, even while acknowledging that it's seldom 'Fair Trade' but more often 'Fairer Trade'. That's cool, we should still make a statement about those things. I don't know if one can buy 'Fair Trade' tea, but if it exists I should certainly buy it.

Far be it from me to heap guilt on anyone but myself, for I am as guilty as the rest. But does that mean I should remain quiet or that you should remain quiet? Does that mean that since most of us are failing so much we should all sit in silence and draw no attention to the injustice around us? Should we all stick our heads in the sand under the premise of some sort of false humility and repentence?

We need to DO things! We need to CHANGE things!

Sigh.

But it seems that first of all, we need to be changed ourselves.

I don't think it's that we don't care, in the most basic of senses. I know that you care and I care and we hate oppression and want to see abuse end. I don't doubt that. But it seems as if we think that we have no ability to make any significant change so we best be content to live our lives intertwined with the corruption of the system and hope to be a nice shining light for change to happen rather than actually being an instrument to do so.

I'm becoming more and more uneasy with my reluctance to stand up for any cause that appears hopeless or where my individual and personal efforts would be largely unnoticed aside from being an extra body or extra voice.

But that is simply not an excuse to stand idly by.

But if I can't directly affect change by my actions, why bother? Exactly. And so we don't. Yet we CAN affect change, and God is in the midst of it, whether we are or not. So wouldn't we want to be where God is???

I don't spend time with homeless people and prostitutes, offering them food or drink or conversation, because I believe that doing those things is going to end homelessness or prostitution. Not at all, but that doesn't mean it should not be done, it just means that even more has to be done.

I cannot stand by while my brothers and sisters of humanity are destroyed. I may want to but you can't let me! I beg of you, please, do not let me do it!

Holocaust survivor and human rights advocate, Elie Wiesel, had this to say in an interview:

"I went to South Africa in 1975, going around literally from town to town, fighting aprtheid. Why? Because I felt we have no right not to interfere, not to intervene."

Writing is my art form

2008-04-01T15:35:00.000-07:00

Despite how unlikely it may seem to some that I consider the written word to be such a deep expression of creativity for me, it is true. That sentence was generously peppered with sarcasm, by the way.

I honestly would not have realized this apart from a revelation from my lady-friend, so this whole post is dedicated to her.

I don't feel as if I've always enjoyed writing as much as I do now, and that's not saying very much because I still don't really love it most of the time. It's a 'love/hate' relationship. I love it went I write something good, and I hate it when I write something lousy. Obviously, this is mostly subjective, especially in the realm of poetry.

But I don't write poetry.

I've never been able to "get" it, if you know what I mean. As a hope(ful) romantic I do find myself writing more poetically at times, but it's still definitely not what I would call poetry. Anyway, this is all very irrelevant.

I always enjoyed writing papers and short stories and the like in school, but I don't think a deep connection with writing as an art form was established until I began to journal and blog. All of a sudden there was this amazing reality that I could express myself in ways that I had never known. I do love music, too, but there are some things that a blazing guitar solo is unable to convey, though I would also admit that there are some things a blazing guitar solo can convey that would be far more difficult using mere words.

One of the downfalls of this awakened passion is that I find it quite difficult to separate my 'art' from everything else. Classical musicians who play nothing but music written by dead composers are still identified and acclaimed because of the way that they play these songs that have been, and are, played by countless others.

Do I really have anything new to add to human existence with my words, aside from very specific and personal stories? Yeah, I think so. Telling the same stories in new ways can breathe just as much life into them as if they were a whole new creation. 'The Paper' (aargh!) that I'm working on regarding church governance likely offers no new concepts, but yet it is still unique and significant because it is my voice and my thoughts that determine the organization and addressal of those concepts.

This makes it new. This makes it 'art'.

Well, it makes it art to me, and for that I am thankful.

It doesn't mean that it's good, but it does mean that it's mine.

I am soooo "po-mo"

2008-03-28T11:03:00.000-07:00

The more I read and hear about postmodernity, the more I realize how much I am completely locked into this perspective.

I've been becoming way more "po-mo" as time progresses (whatever that means), and yet I was thoroughly immersed in the thick of it long before I ever really knew what it was.

Some people hate it, some people love it. Postmodernism says that both options are okay...and some people hate that.

No one likes someone's who's wishy-washy, right? But really, who is? We all act. We all think. Those are concrete realities, at least in my interpretation [sorry, I just had to throw that in].

The best thing I can see coming out of postmodernity is this: humility.

And that's a pretty frickn' biblical virtue, is it not? So it can't really be all that bad.

Where does humility come from? From an acceptance that I do not have a corner on truth. This expresses itself in the willingness to have conversations with others, to dialogue rather than simply debate. There's nothing wrong with expressing our opinions, even somewhat adamantly, but what I find exceedingly frustrating is people who have their mouths open and ears closed.

Sadly, that is sometimes me. Sigh.

...

Not everyone is able to easily embrace the ethos of postmodernism. I'm okay with that. I think much of it has to do with where we're at in our stage of faith. Because I can embrace it does not mean that I am superior, or inferior, as hard as that is for some to accept.

Why is it that we so often crave 'levels' and hierarchy?

Anyway, it just means I'm in a different place. And not everyone can even accept that, either. Hmm, it's a bit of a conundrum.

How should one respond when they are met with unwarranted hostility?

With love and grace.

Couldn't the answer have been 'with resentment and derision'? That would be so much easier...

Because the Bible says so!

2008-03-25T15:56:00.000-07:00

Boy, I sure do love this blog as a forum for sharing my thoughts and engaging in dialogue with those who know me, to greater or lesser degrees.

Thanks to all who comment and share and laugh and cry and make this a space where I feel good about sharing things of depth and significance to me.

I've been struggling, as of recently, with this 'church governance' paper that I'm working on for school and it is kicking my butt. But there is hope. I am convinced of it.

I found a great quote by an Anglican dude in the midst of a debate about New Testament church polity that struck me as being absolutely phenomenal. I'm not an Anglican, nor do I think that an 'episcopalian' form of church, like Anglican, is the best.

This is still a frickn' good quote:

"So often the claim of sola scriptura is in reality this: the Bible as interpreted by me, or by my group, or by the leaders of my group, or by a small part of the whole church during one specific period of history and in a certain cultural context, or by my denomination, or by this or that school of thought." ~ Peter Toon in Who runs the Church?

I just wanna be a Pharisee

2008-03-16T16:59:00.000-07:00

I don't know if you remember the old kid's song that went something like,

"I don't wanna be a Pharisee,
I don't wanna be a Pharisee,
I don't wanna be a Pharisee,
'Cause they're not fair you see."

The chorus to the song had something to do with being involved in the production of woolen socks, to the best of my memory.

My first taste of Pharisaic defense came from my 'Early Christianity: Jesus" class from last semester, in which the prof was quite adamant that the term 'Pharisee' NOT be equated with the term 'hypocrite'. I thought, "Okay, I won't use the term, but those dudes were total tools."

Silly Matthew, so young, so naive.

I recently completed a research paper on the subject and I thought I share some interesting snippets. Feel free to glance through until you find something interesting. I guarantee there will be something you did not know.

"While the Gospels mention little regarding the origins of the Pharisees, it is clear from both Josephus and rabbinic sources that the driving force of the Pharisaic movement was a belief that “it should be possible for all the people to present themselves holy before God no matter where they lived: the proper enclave in which to live is within Torah itself, not in particular geographical isolations in which alone holiness might prove possible.” In contrast to the Essenes, who physically removed themselves from the tainted society of foreign influence, the Pharisees were determined to live out God's laws within their regular lives that were interwoven with the culture in which they found themselves...

...The reason that the Pharisees were so focused on ritual was due to their exceptionally high regard for the law of God. The believed that obeying the law was the essential, discerning factor that separated the Jews from everyone else. In this belief also came the recognition that the laws given to Moses, found in both the 'oral' and 'written' Torahs, needed to be continually reinterpreted within the different contexts of life in which the Jews found themselves. This was hardly the stagnant fundamentalism of the Sadducees, who held that only priests should give authoritative instruction of Torah and interpretation was much less important (Strauss). The Pharisees, on the other hand, gave divine authority to the interpretation and application of Torah, when agreed upon by rabbis, and recognized that it “did not give elaborate explanation for every possible scenario in life, so [they] would derive ways in which to follow the Law in changing times”...

...They believed that “the Torah spoke to every generation but had to be interpreted in new ways to make that connection. It was this tradition that allowed the Pharisees to create the elaborations of Scriptural precepts that they did” (Simon 35). The Scriptures were not seen by them as stagnant and dead but as evolving and alive. The Pharisees held that both the written and oral laws given by God to Moses were to be a source of truth that transcended the particular circumstances that Israel found itself in at that point in time. The commands given through Moses clearly expressed God's concern with every aspect of the lives of his chosen people, and yet new situations were perpetually arising that were not specifically addressed in Torah...

...An interesting by-product of this transition to sacredness within the home was a greater significance awarded to women. Because women were responsible for correctly implementing the rules regarding ritual purity in the meals, they found themselves enjoying the power to secure sanctification for the household. This is ironic, as they were essentially attending to the rules the priests followed within the Temple, a context which women had been excluded. A woman's holiness was no longer dependent solely on her relationship to her husband but on what she did for herself. Even though this did not mean that women gained more authority in making decisions, and were still seen as subordinate, it represents a huge shift towards women enjoying fuller personhood..."

The issue I have with hating on Pharisees simply because Jesus denounced some of them is that the same could be said for most any followers of God, including evangelicals. In fact, while I am not Jesus, I would sooner denounce evangelicals ahead of Pharisees, though I would denounce myself before either group.

We like to play the "At least I'm better than..." game, don't we? The Pharisees knew how to keep their heads on a swivel, at least initially.

So if we're going to speak about the legalistic, hypocritical, self-involved, and arrogant Pharisees, we better start speaking of our legalistic, hypocritical, self-involved, and arrogant selves, first.

"Aww, snap."

Growing into my own skin

2008-03-08T22:33:00.000-08:00

I've never considered myself to be a 'liberal' Christian until recently. Honestly, I don't even know what that term means. I'll just define it as being far away from fundamentalism. Hmm, but then I have to define 'fundamentalism'. Ah, forget it.

I love that verse in Revelation that is oft quoted to condemn the complacent, "Because you are neither hot nor cold I will spit you out of my mouth."

I love that people just assume that they know what that means. At all.

What about the fact that being 'cold' doesn't get you spit out? And 'hot' about what? About preaching the Gospel? About condemning the sinners? About prayer and fasting? About loving God and loving others? 'Hot' about circumcision?

Sorry, I got sidetracked.

I used to worry when I was younger, even in Bible college, that I would 'lose my faith' one day (whatever that means) and die and go to hell. I feared that I would die at some point in my life when I no longer believed Jesus to be my 'Lord and Saviour', and so, would be condemned to eternal suffering. Life seemed like a giant roulette wheel as I struggled through so much darkness. To some degree, it still does.

WTF? (What The Fudge?)

It never sat right with me that my conscious belief was what saved me. If Jesus saved me from eternal damnation, why would that be dependent on whether or not I realize it?

Seriously, that's retarded.

Here's what I don't get. If someone goes to hell just because they've never heard of Jesus, doesn't that make God a bit of an a-hole? So if I assume that God is not an a-hole (by my standards), is it the case where you only go to hell if you've heard of Jesus but rejected that belief? And if that's the case, wouldn't it be better to not tell people about Jesus rather than risk them rejecting him or becoming 'luke warm'?

That is all said quite satirically, just in case you missed it.

I never thought that I would be at this place in my spiritual journey, a place where I am okay with NOT firmly believing a lot of what I used to...and not being scared of going to hell because of it.

Some people don't like that perspective. 'A few years ago Matthew' would not like it, either. That's okay. I'd be fine listening to him vent and question my salvation.

That's what I'm growing to absolutely love: open dialogue. There are so many wells of truth that have seemed closed off to me for so very long and it's quite exciting. To think that I can learn truth from a 'fundamentalist', a pot-smoking hippie, a feminist, a homosexual, etc., is so...beautiful. God is not found exclusively in Christians or Christianity.

I still value the faith that I have and consider both the Bible and the person of Jesus Christ as the two greatest revelations of who God is and who we are, but there is a lot of stuff in between there.

So yeah, I'm a wishy-washy wanderer.

I trust God to continue to walk with me on this journey, no matter where I end up, even if others may think my destination to be the gates of hell. Even if that's the case, I'm finding myself to be in good company. So we can probably get a big Dutch Blitz tournament going once we're there. I'm assuming I would be forced to play Dutch Blitz in hell.

I am awful at that game.

The Great Debacle

2008-03-02T20:04:00.001-08:00

So here's how it all went down, to the best of my tainted memory...

I leave at 7:30pm on Thursday night for Fargo to pick up Logan.

I drive through a blizzard ,which closed down almost all highways, except mine.
The benefit/problem of being someone who consistently drives the speed limit is that I make it a point to drive that speed limit regardless of most conditions, which means passing cars, trucks and semis doing 75mph. Boo yeah.

I almost die.

I stop in Grand Forks in an attempt to relocate the gas station that sold me some legendary Sioux City Sasparilla, made famous by 'The Big Lebowski". I end up at the Big Sioux Plaza. They have no sasparilla.

I am not impressed.

I make it to the airport at 11:30pm and discover that the flight has been delayed until 1:30am.

I am tired and angry that I did not bring my books to study for the mid-term exam the next day.

I sleep in my car.

I return to the terminal at 1:15am to find no trace of Logan's flight.

I am confused.

I look around for awhile and discover that the flight has been cancelled.

I phone home and talk to Bruce, who had talked to Logan, who had said his flight was rescheduled to leave at 6:45am.

I am tired and want to go home.

I meet some guy, we talk, he figures out I am a Christian and helps me find a nice, cheap hotel room. He offers to pay half, which is awesome, but I decline and go to the even cheaper Motel 6 right beside his Super 8.

I get a room and try to sleep but am too frustrated at the thought of failing my midterm.

I feel convinced that I should go and lock my car, which currently has the ignition key permanently stuck in the ignition. I would feel sorry for anyone who would steal my car (it's not worth the trouble). I lock the doors and then think about removing the ignition key, but I decline the thought and return to my room.

I watch Japanimation cartoons and bits of old 'X Files' reruns. I read through a few chapters of Luke and eventually fall asleep.

I wake up at 6:30am and check Logan's flight arrival time, which is now 10:15am. I go back to sleep and wake up at 8:30am and check Logan's flight arrival time, which is now 8:05am.

I am unsurprised.

I throw my clothes on, return my room key and run to my car. I take out my keys to unlock the door. I have no key to unlock my door.
I had taken my car in to the mechanic the day before and had left my door key. I did not get it back.

I am fairly convinced at this point that God genuinely hates me. I ruminate over the legion of unconfessed sins in my life that I am currently paying for.

I decide to phone CAA and I wait twenty minutes for the guy to show up. He unlocks my door in 2 minutes and charges me $38.

I arrive back at the airport at 9:45am and pick up a very distressed Logan who thought he had been abandoned in horrible America-Land.

We drive back to Prov and arrive at 1pm, where I attempt to eat some food and study for my mid-term.

I write my mid-term at 2pm and do extremely well. I give a fist pump and say a prayer of thanks.

I am mostly convinced that God does not hate me.

...

And that is how 'The Great Debacle' unfolded.

Thus saith Matthew.

Here is a religion that is acceptable...

2008-02-26T15:41:00.000-08:00

I'm never used to be the biggest fan of James (the 'New Testament' variety, not the 'Dean' variety). It was too practical and material for me largely conceptual and metaphor based mind. In some ways it feels like hearing a parable is more transformative of my behaviour than simply a direct explanation. Maybe that's just me.

Why is that? Well, I'm thinking it has something to do with the vastness of symbolism. I don't like truth nailed down in simple ways as much as waving like a banner in the wind, unchanging in essence yet unpredictable in form. Ooh, I like that. That was good.

I'm still not the biggest fan of James. I like the book much more now than I used to, but I'm going to safely assume that I'm still not the biggest fan. That'd just be arrogant anyway.

Here's what I love:

"Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and keep onself from being polluted by the world."

I'm not going to pretend to have a firm grasp on what it means to "keep oneself from being polluted by the world", but I think that looking after widows and orphans is pretty signficant.

The question that I have been thinking about lately is the question of what is important. Some people I know are adamant that you're not really even a Christian if you don't go to church, or at least participate in the larger body. Motivations aside, I generally agree, to the extent that we are to be the 'body' of Christ and that generally implies connectivity, but some of the other limitations put on that concept are a bit absurd.

But I digress.

What I really want to know is how we can raise our voice (and I have done this myself, and still do on occassion) against those who do not participate in "church" and not raise our voice against those who don't care for the sick, the broken, the poor, who are selfish with their money and possessions and store up wealth for themselves.

Why the heck are we so much more silent about that?

WHY???

Hmm...

Because that's us.

To Kill a Mockingbird

2008-02-22T19:37:00.000-08:00

It's one thing to stand up to injustice with the hope of success, of making a difference, of reforming the system, of rescuing the broken. That's all well and good, but what about when it seems like an uphill battle, like purely vertical?

I never read the book, as I assumed it was about fowl hunting, but I had heard things through others, and tonight I saw the stage play. It was intense. Very well done, but just very intense.

How do I stand up for what's right when things aren't seeming to change? It's hard enough for me to take a step or raise my voice when victory seems certain, let alone when it seems all for naught. When I'm exposed to intense injustice, my first instinct is to fight, often physically, but that's seldom more than heat-of-the-moment stuff. When reality sets in I'm much more docile.

The only way I know to reconcile the wide gap between our inner convictions and the brokenness of the world around me is believing that pursuing the ideal is enough, that it's sufficient to live out how we believe the world should be and strive to help others see the vision for how things could be, how they should be.

Man, I just want to powerbomb a racist white dude right through a table. But that wouldn't really solve anything, now would it?

In Pastoral Theology today I came across another statement that has shifted my perspective, opened my eyes. I knew it to be true before, but it hasn't found a concrete home in my mind until now.

So what do I say about those filled with hate, bigotry, violence, and intolerance?

"That could be me."